NEVER A FAILURE, ALWAYS A LESSON XXX

Huhuuuuu honeys and sweeties ;) 

OMG I did it!!!! I made my second tattoo ever.... On Friday I had the appointment :) :) 

I was soooo excited because i wanted one for such a long time now already but never was able to decide which symbol or text, and where at which place on my body i wanna make it... So on monday i called and they told me friday at 11 and i was like wow how cool, because there was a resident tattoo artist who should be really good :D 

So at the end there was the choice between a quote on the side of the ribs, or an ankle chain or something at my back ... puuuuh when i was there i actually wanted to ran away for a minute because i HATE decisions and i am so bad at making them... :S
But nevertheless i made one: 
NEVER A FAILURE, ALWAYS A LESSON XXX
So this quote has a special meaning for me... because through my illness i discovered that i am always making myself soooo bad for being weak or making something wrong.. Like it would be a total catastrophe me doing a failure... and the world would hate me or go down.... Like you know what i mean? 
And this now could be my reminder, that each mistake i made (through anorexia or just in normal life) is not a failure at all.. it just was a lesson, that i experienced.. and still life went on!! Like each person, boy, or false friend was a lesson, like they are not in my life anymore, but it taught me how other people sometimes deal with you and this often is not nice....But so it is better they are not part of YOUR life now anymore, so i made the lesson, no more trust to this person and i can move on to better ones... Hopefully ;) 
And those three X stand for each member of my Family, because they truly saved my life!!! So they mean the world to me and this should be a reminder i am never alone as long as i have my mum, dad and sister in my life! Gives me hope! :) 

Sooo now i wish you all a very woooonderful Sonntag now and (hopefully you do not have such hangover as me right now haha ;)) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Littleeeeeeee update *_*

HUHUUUUUUUU all cuties and honeys ;) 

How are u doing? ;) OMG so long no seeeeeeeeee... no post no update... but now it is time to continue my story to the next and following chapter...
I was released by the clinic on the 20th of september ;)) *_* 
Leaving Prien with one happy and one sad eye :) you know this german phrase? ;) Like on the one hand being happy to finally after nearly 7 months leaving, but on the other hand being sad about leaving back the people i truly call friends there... all those girls who helped me up again after falling and stumbling by times... having so cool evenings and memories made by the shores of the Chiemsee *_* Just to point out on those!!!!! 

So how my life will go on now? ;) Puh this all in all is/and will be a really long story....
First of all i am home in my NEW home now for a few weeks (like 4-6) and then i will go into a therapeutic commune in Munich, where i finally will learn to master the crossing between being inpatient and surviving in real life ... 

Munich here i come... so excited :D 

But first of all i am at home now, in the NEW house of my fam ;) because my mam and dad built a new, very modern house a few villages next to our old home ;) When they moved i was in the clinic, which i think was quite rather good for me, because i am such a clingy person, to all my memory pieces and would like to keep everything by my side my whole life hahah ;D 
So now since then i am really accustoming myself there and try to sort everything out, but still always remembering my learned goals against miss m... 
SO much confusion everywhere, i truly can tell you: Life is never easy, no matter where you are and with whom your spending time with :S boys,  friends, family, true friends, old friends, false friends and new ones and blablablaaaaaa.a..... :) Sooo much upcoming here in ma life and i am sometimes so confused but try to enjoy all the confuseness which i missed by feeling really nothing through anorexia .... :S 
WIsh you all a wonderful rest of the week now and a great time ;) LOOOOOVE all of you and i simply celebrate you everytime i look in my statistic of my blog :) *_* 
XOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO
ANGE

Selflove, Acceptance, Confidence, Self-esteem, are they learnable? :)

Huhuuuuuuuu Lovelies *_* 

How are u? Enjoying this hot summer (at least we have a really burning one this year=))? 

Hmmm i would say i do it partly :S because i am still in the clinic (nearly fucking 6 months now) but i try to spend my time the best way here at the lake or with some nice people/ fellow patients ;) Something which really makes me happy about this is, that these girls/and boys truly give me the feeling of being accepted and welcomed :D Because this feeling (even though for some of you this may sound strange and not comprehensibly, but for me it is not given for sure that i feel liked and accepted by some groups of "friends" (or should i rather say strangers? :O) 

Even though we don´t know each other for so long we all come along so well and are happy for having each other 

So here in the clinic i got to know that this is not something uncommon for sufferers of anorexia or other mental illnesses... A low selfworth, self-esteem, no self love and especially no confidence or the feeling of being liked :S sounds hard doesn´t it? For me it did, because at first i couldn´t really believe that soo many of the other girls suffer from the same feeling of being not worth enough for others... being less good than my friends or getting on the nerves of the others by just being with them... 
As a result of that i always enquire wheter it TRULY is okay for the others that i am with them and ask this kind of a 10000 times.. until i really am getting on their nerves... you know what i mean? 
Because why the hell should somebody of my FRIENDS (?!) be angry with me just because i am spending time with them? This is so fucking true but i always reinsure if it really is okay being there... OMG... And i am dealing so hard with this, but it sounds understandable that i am not their problem if they feel angry for whatever reason... :) 
All of this is a sign of a low self esteem... even though i am really being talkative and babbling all the time with others, i still am thinking way too much about it afterwards and thereby.. because why can´t i simply enjoy a moment which i spend with the peoople i like? 
Puuuuh i am not getting the point in this blog entry i think... Huuuuups i am so sorry, i hope you still understand what i was trying to tell you with it :) 
YOU are NOT the problem of the bad mood of some others- YOU are welcomed in a group of people you like- and YOU are worth sooo much! And without you somebody would be missed in this big world :DDD 
*puuuuuhexhalingdeeply* So this is my word for this hot sunday evening ;) 
Wish you all a wonderful new week ;) 
xxxxxx 
Special thank to Mum and Dad who visited me today! Was such an awesome day with u <3 

OMG 40.000 READERS *_* Dankeeeee!!

Huhuuuuu all you wonderful ones :) 

Wow i truly can´t really believe it but my small little Nutella Blog reached now 40.000 readers.... this is unbelievable for me!!!!!! *screamingofhappiness* 

Thaaaanks soo much *_* 

Thanks a million for visiting and reading my babbling here on this page :) it means the world to me even if i seem to blog less or not so much at the moment :S I am sorry for this but i have to focus on getting this clinic done and never return again to Miss Mager... this fucking bitch ruins my life......she is awful and so clingy and i wish her to hell!!!!!

Nevertheless my mood at the moment is not sooo good here right now.. the clinic forces me to do so many things i am hardly dealing with....Not only eating, also my psychical state of mind is really down right now, because i am so long here now and hardly fighting along...
I truly can say i met so many wonderful people here, like real motivational girls (and boys=)) but also some real bitch badasses ... like they seem to focus on everyone else exept themselves, just like detectives they try to reveal some faults or problems of others.... and this in fact just to distract from their own failing :S I hate such people and i truly can say that i learned here to not just accept what they do, NO i tell them my true opinion and show them that i am annoyed of their behavior! 
So i am feeling like, i am just letting them life their lives and whyyyyy the hell can´t they leave me in peace? "Focus on your own" is something i would love to shout at them when they analyze others again and again...
Puuuuh now all my anger is out and i felt like this was sooooo needed :D so thanks for taking time to listen to my outburst of rage and also happiness for hitting the 40.000 people mark :D 

Such people you definitively have
to show the cold shoulder :) 

Okaaaay so instead of focussing on such negative shit people (*soorry for being harsh but it is just true*) i again wanna say thanks so much at those who believe and support me day by day, drama by drama :) you all are my pieces of gold and i am so glad having you in my life :) All of you know who theey are i think :) You also count to them ;) *schmatzer* (german for big fat kiss to all of you) 

Thanks for being here for me ;) My Dad and Me

Und wenn du mich küsst, dann ist die Welt ein bisschen weniger scheiße.. why music sometimes is the best therapy *_*

Huhuuuuuu Cuties and Smileeeeys all over :) 

The last days honestly were not very easy for me and there is a lot happening right over here... my room mate is snoooooring soooo loud and intolerable... it makes me sleep only about 3-4 hours each night and this is way too less, even for me who loves making it through the night on weekends... :( i miss this by the way as well....
But now on to this topic, having less sleep and going through therapy here is very hard for me at the moment and i am annoyed all day and i easily get peevish.....:S 

Trying to catch up some sleep at the lake :)) 

Sooo how to keep my mood anyway up again? *_* One thing i absolutely can recommend everyone is: Listen to some music!!!! No matter how you are feeling right now, if you panic, are in a fear, feel sad, are down or angry..... Some music always fits your current mood for sure! It is kind of like, if you had a breakup, you feel lonely, lost, unloved and sooo on, and then sometimes you may then feel like listen to sad soft, sorrow music which immediately helps you crying and it fits so well in this moment... or if you are more like me, i need to listen to some angry, aggressive, dancing, club music which brightens up my mood and makes me happy and smiling again... so to make me forget my anger, sadness, and all the negative feelings... you know what i mean? 

Listening to happy music to boost my mood and feeling like a kid  on a swing 

Music always finds a way to touch your heart and helps you to deal with upcoming feelings, no matter in which way... if you are happy because something great happened, some cheerful music can make you dance out of the joy you are experiencing :) 

So no matter what life is like at the moment, turn the music up as loud as you could and feel the beat or cry to the sad lyrics :) I hope you all know what i mean by this and you are having a good time right now ;) 
Wish you all a lovely evening now and maybe you also turn the music up right now ;) 
xxx 

Anorexia is not an emotional crack, it is a serious illness...

Huuuhuu you Cuties :) 
Wow already May and springtime again... the sun comes out and all people slowly start to get into summer mood ... all but not me...
Hm so to be open and honest with you all, i was not doing the best according to battling Miss Mager in the last year.. which does not mean i didn't try to battle her or let her in again, but i was dealing hard in my everyday situation and with work and stress at school i wasn't able to eat enough and started to fall for bad behavior again and again... the stress really knocked me out and gave in.... so all in all this meant for me starting the fight against her again and i signed in the Schön Klinik again... :( 
And then one day i finally got the call that i can come to the clinic at the shores of the Chiemsee again :S Confusing, but rescuing once again... For me this really feels like such a shame admitting i have to go inpatient again battling this fucking illness once for all...
But learning and seeing it is no shame rather strength and willpower made me at first confused but now it slowly makes me see how right they are... a mental illness is no shame, it is a serious diagnostical illness and you need to have extreme discipline and endurance to finally win the battle against it! I hope so much i now have enough of these....

This time some things now are different than the last time, i am now in a bedroom with two other girls :D which at first totally confused me, but now i am so glad not to be alone so much time :D Loneliness feeds Miss M....And i have a new therapist and of course all the new girls and at the moment :) so many new faces, stories, and problems ... but some of them are like real angels and friends for me :) so lovely and supporting that i almost cannot believe it sometimes :) It always impresses me so much, what wonderful people are out there, so something i absolutely can say is: Come out of your little bubble at home and open up to new faces, this can make you feel so loved and acknowledged :) Believe me, support is the A and O in recovery and some of these people here are like real treasures for me now :) Thanks to all of you :) Those who i mean know for sure who they are :) xxxxx 

But for sure i won´t forget to mention the support i receive from you at home :) My family, friends, relatives :) Thanks for always being here, don´t know where i would be without you ;) Who listens to my crying, gives me a hug and calls me if i am down? You ! Danke :) 
I am so thankful for having you :) 

So i will keep my head up here the best i can and press thumbs for me that i can make it through all this shit :) 
Lots of love and if you feel like it, i would be happy to receive a message of you :) xxxx 

Feelings and other emotional stuff :D

Huuuuhu all you :) 

Cuuuurrently my life is kind of an up and down on emotions and feelings..... please don´t ask any more in detail :D But do you also know those moments when you feel worthless, lost, redundant and just getting on everybody else´s nerves? :S
Not a nice feeling right?!

Sometimes i wish i would think less and
just seize the moment

But somehow staying with these bad thoughts is not a real option, otherwise you will live a life full of sadness and even depression maybe..

So the last few times i felt like this, I simply asked the people i spent my time with, if my feelings are true and i am really not welcomed at their „group“ or circle of friends… And i truly was a little bit stunned about the answer, because it always was so much more positive than i thought... and the most interesting thing about it was, that the people really looked so confused about me asking them something like this, because they haven´t thought i felt this way that i am not welcomed at their surrounding… 

I often felt like the little chicken at school days.... 

Aaaand the most common answer is nowadays when i ask my friends: If you are asking this question (wheter i am getting on their nerves :D) one more time i will get angry/then i truly will be enerved :D So my reinsure was getting on their nerves and not me as a person...

Some people truly wanna spend time with us, and this is something i
still have to learn and find out for myself :) 

Hmmm so why do i feel like this? 

Low self-esteem? Maybe, but more reasonable is the fact that in school times i so often was excluded by others :S unconsciously or not, but i definitively not got included or invited to be part of their activities… 

Of course there were times i truly felt accepted and welcomed at some circle of friends, but for example if there was one place too less i immediately got kicked out… 

When i realized this fact i obviously saw some things which happened in the last years more clear and with the right thoughts…. Also related to my illness... so this disqualification made me feel less self worth and withdrawn... Letting this uncertainty behind me was a big step outside, but inside the world of M ....I got more self-confident by loosing weight, but lost control about my life at the same time slipping into all of these fucking ill thoughts...

Okay okay enough confusion for today now... and i know many of the things i wrote here sounds incomprehensible in many ways, but these are just kind of my emotions and ways of thinking.... So sorry for much Gedankenwirrwarr :DDDD

Wish you all a successful new week and a good start into May :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It´s ma birthday *_* and easter :DDD

Huhuuuuuu all you lovely ones :) 
how is the day? :) Are you all doing fine? :) I hope sooo :) 

On the 29th maaaarch was kinda a very special day for me :) It was my 23rd biiiirthday *_* Cheers to this :D 
I received some sooooo cute goods ;) Like some bluetooth over-ear headphones in rose gold and they work awesome :) Listening to good music can make you feel so much better even in worse times... :) And at this topic, I know what i am talking about :S Oh and also i got some wonderful pretty bracelets :) one in silver glitter and the other one also in rose which has engraved the saying : " Wherever your heart leads you" so gorgeous isn´t it? :D 
Oh i was so happy receiving so many wonderful birthday wishes from so many beloved people, this absolutely made my day :) Haha i also got a bunch of flowers which looks so pretty and just looking at it makes you feel better and more happy :) 

Soooo and now what else is on right now? Tomorrow is the 1st of april and this as well means Easter Sunday this year :) Do you celebrate easter in a special way? :) Do you also color eggs and bake some lambs ? =) Or do you have any other traditions which are important for you ? =) 
Sooooo for my next post i am still searching for some strategies of learning of how to deal with fear :( because this is a topic which really bothers me at the moment :) because getting rid of Miss Mager, makes some fears show up, which kind of seem very hard for me to deal with :) so if you know any good strategies, pleeeeease let me know ;)
So much for now, i wish everyone of you a nice and wonderful easter celebration with your beloved ones and simply a great time searching easter bunnies and eggs :) xxxxx

Easter, the weather and other aches :S #the flu

Huhuuuuu my Bunnies :) 
Easter is coming faster and faster :D Haha no really i am not at all in any easter mood at all.... but no matter, for me it does not mean too much :) the only thing this year is, my birthday is 3 days before easter sunday so on Gründonnerstag this year :) (i googled it and in english it is called Maundy Thursday :D cool appellation) So this will be the only celebration thing for me i think mostly :) buuuut all the easter bunnies and chicken look so cute always :) 

Alsooo SPRING is kicking in here in Germany :) 2 weeks ago it was so fucking freezing, with like -22°C and now yesterday it was lovely with +17°C :) What a nice change :) 

Sooooo what is your favorite time of the year ? Is it the snowy and cold winter, with the beautiful snow layered landscape or more the warm, hot summer days and nights, you could spend outside in the sun? Or are you more the kind of person who loves when the nature comes back to life in spring after the long winter months? With all the snowdrops and daffodils creeping out of the ground just like now these days? :) Puuuh for me all i can definitively say is that i am not a kind of autumn person... For sure those golden autumn days with all the sprinkled and coloured leaves on the trees and the ground look just stunning and beautiful in the sun, but on those rainy, dusty (typical german :D) days in autumn all my mood goes down and i hate such weather :) But this is just me :) I love the nature right now and i llooooooooove and adore those hot summer days and nights when you could sit outside and enjoy the warmth :) 

Soooo now also i can add here, that i normally enjoy winter as well, with all the snow and the landscape glittering in the sun :) buuuuuuut 2 weeks ago the flu hit me so hard and i felt soooo sick :( haven't felt that bad since aaaaaages :( like i got everything at the same time: fever, headache, earache, sinus infection, baaaaaad coughs and sneezing all the time :( sooooooo obstinately :(S luckily this is over now i hope for a longer time now :) 
Wish you all a lovely week now honeys :) xxxxxxx

Carniiiival Time In Germany :) oder Faaaasching *_*

Helloooohelooooo hello again ;) 
So how is your 2018 going so far? =) Having some good or rather bad days? :) Hmmmm my days actually can be all in all seen neither the one nor the other.... Sooo should i start with the bad news? :) Okay so here we go... my cousin, who only is 12 years old was found out having leukemia and this all hit us very hard and we all hope he soon will be well again.... and this year things will also change for me again and i made the decision of again going into the clinic in which i was 2015/2016 for all in all winning this damn battle against anorexia..Lets see when the journey begins... 

my own creation which i made at my creative lesson :) 

Me and some friends at a faschingsball :D 

Hard words -hard meaning and so you may all are asking yourself, what so far went good for her in 2018? Hmmmmm there still are some things which make me hope for the future and having a nice life !!!!! In 2018 my family is moving to another village and my parents are building a house there, which looks so modern, comfy and wonderful!! Can´t believe it will be part of my future :) And also i still enjoy my job and even though taking a break from going to school, i will be able to finish it and stick to it! :) thanks to my employer :) Sooo and for my private life there also still is hope and i feel so great right now having such a fun time in Fasching :) celebrating, drinking, and doing stupid funny unreal things i totally enjoy soooo much :) Like getting dressed up and smiling, laughing, kissing, faking and sooo on... (Haha i know i am not a saint according to this topic)

I think a year ago or something i already wrote a blog about this topic carnival here in Bavaria, so this year it nearly is the same and i totally loooooove it and enjoying the simple moment is so much cooler than overhinking everything and think about those fucking things from the beginning of this post..... right? For sure! :) 

Oh and now a positive pic at the end: It finally snowed here sooo beautiful ;) even though it is cold, it looks so beautiful :) Thanks for still reading my blog it means the world to me xxx

Welcome in 2018 :) what will it offer? :) or take?.........

Huhuuuu Cuties :) 

WELCOME IN 2018 *openingupabottleofsparklingwine* 

I wish you a wonderful enjoyable new year with lots of hopefully great memories and experiences you wanna remember :) For myself this upcoming year will for sure not become an easy one .... In the progress you all for sure will notice why... I made some decisions which will be necessary to say completely goodbye to my illness...But more later :DD 

Soooo my therapist asked me today something really really confusing or worth thinking about :S She said, where do you see yourself in two years from now? :) When all that fuck with illness and feeling sad is over? Do you have a perspective in life? :) WOW and that truly hit me .... and you know why? ;) Because i absolutely had no idea of what to answer!!!!!! :) 

Where do i see myself? Hmmm.... this made me think so much and now i for sure know one thing: Getting out of my daily routine and live for a episode of time in another country :) And for sure, i want to have finished my apprenticeship :) successfully!!!! 
But also i am relatively sure i won´t work as a tax assistant my whole life or even afterwards the whole time ;) I just wanna have a not too confusing, difficult job, which offers me an interesting work surrounding and some diversity :) And a funny dream since my childhood is to work in a cafe or a bar or a restaurant as a service girl ;) Especially just a small cute vintage cafe in a big city would be some childhood dream ;) Haha when i was little i also always wanted to become postman :) Loved to bring letters to the receiver :DDDDD 
Did you also have some childhood faves? :D Just asking because i also wanted to become a princess ;) but this for sure is a typical girl thing right?

Me and my mum picking up Papas new audi in Ingolstadt :)
Wow what an experience i can tell you 

Wish you all now a great time :) Make the best out of it ;) I know you can and never forget what dreams you have every day okay :) xxxxxx Love ya