Mooooootivation on :) How to get out of a dark episode and negative thoughts :)

Hellooooo again my loves ;) and not loved ones maybe as well :DDD

Nutella as well always helps
;)

According to my actual mood (in which i definitively would need some shining moments or maybe only some shooting stars to wish for something ) I thought about writing a post of how to motivate again in daily life and how to deal with some dark episodes... Like for example suffering from depression, being lovesick, a loss of a beloved person or it could also just be stress you hardly can deal with... 
This at all is such a difficult question that there is no right or suitable answer for everybody, because each one of us acts different when it comes to sorrow or stress... like i know, some people eat when they are sad or down whereas others just restrict and could not eat anything because of a lump in their throat as we say in Germany :S 

But those things are just the side effects of such dark days... no solution... eating or not eating is NO solution<! DO NOT COMPENSATE YOUR SORROW... i swear surpressing those negative feelings will let them grow... one thing i for sure learned in therapy is that feelings have their right to BE there!!! Maybe you sometimes do not even understand why, but your body subconscious knows what is right in such a situation.. Like for example if you have been left by your boyfriend and you may think "What a fucking a****" and you are so angry about him so you just wanna throw everything around... just stop and feel it... is this the feeling you truly have? 
Just think about it... when i experienced this feeling i did also act so angry and in a rage and then when time went on, just like 2 weeks later(!) i felt such a deeeeeeeep deep grief and sorrow i only wanted to cry it all out.. yeah my body was sad and i had to let it out... and after this and talking about the whole thing my mind truly started to close this chapter of my life and i moved on.... so much more relieved and free now ;) And i always keep this in my mind: It is no shame being sad about something and admitting that you are hurt.. it only is human and letting it out will prevent you from such mental illnesses like depression, burnout or maybe also an eating disorder... who knows?!
So and now? Crying it out and you are better? For sure you know this does not work to 100%.. but then how to keep on going? Not falling into a deep dark hole in the ground...

My ideas are just ideas, no solutions which may work for everyone, okay? Yeah so for the first thing to get out of it, i would consider not staying alone with it.. Just chat to someone, meet up friends, go out and distract yourself from the cloud of negative thoughts which ghosts around in your head... Me for example helps this the most, because me being alone with those mean thoughts: i mostly end up crying again...So i went on a burger date with some girls from the clinic last week ;) It was such a wonderful reunion and we had sooo much to talk about which absolutely made my problems in this moment much less important ;) Thanks my girls xoxoxo

It is so beautiful where i live ;) 

Then something else would be going out into the nature and simply try to inhale it and see the beauty itself.. yeah and also taking a little walk can help so much,.... there some happiness emotions show up and you immediately will be out of your thoughts...


Another idea of me would be CHANGE ;) Well yeah what the hell? I think if you close a chapter in your life it may also be time for an external change in appearance  :) SO to come back what i mean: Change your haircolor or fo and make a piercing, just like me yesterday (hehe the one on the right is new ;)) It may hurt a little bit or will be unfamiliar at first, but this shows you are strong and you move on.. NO more negativities, focus on the positive of your look ;) Because you look great!

PUuuh so i think for now these are enough suggestions for you of how to overcome such dark and negative episodes of your life ;) If you want i can continue with this list in one of my next posts as well ;) Just let me know ;) there are so many more possibilities :D 
Wish you now a wonderful sunday evening my beeees ;) <3 <3 

Is the recovery of my ED still such a big part of my life?

Huhuuuuuuu my owls ;) ;) 

Recently i have been asked by a friend which i know now for quiet a long time, wether my recovery is actually still such a massive massive part of each day? Hmmm.. wow this truly made me think a little bit about it :S 

To be honest with you guys, i would say: YES ... it still is... i mean you just have to remember that eating is an everyday thing, you just not could stop it for a while just because you maybe had a bad one or negative feelings... you have to cling to being honest with yourself every f*** day... i sometimes would say :S because yeah for sure i know what i need to eat, but for sure you also know that eating is related to your own feelings... maybe you feel streessed and need a little extra food or you are sick or may feel down or something and you absolutely are not hungry.. you know? 
So this is something i truly have to deal hard with sometimes... especially now since i am working (since this week i am having 6 hours a day :) i recognize that i am so extra extra hungry.. even though i am only sitting in front of my pc, i notice that mental work also is so exhausting and even though my mind tells me not to have more food, i know that i have to give in and have that little bit extra :S 
And by doing this i again checked how important it is to weight enough and not give back into that disordered thoughts.. And i am still aware that i still have to gain some kilos and i also can tell you guys that this is kind of not an easy thing to do next to having a life and not being isolated and Miss M... This is it what i actually wanted to tell you with this post: I wanna have a life, but right noow i also need to gain and combinating this hand by hand is hard work.. getting to a point where i feel free to eat truly what i want and how much...  (also not connected to my mood, health or stress)r Hopefully one day i will reach this point, but i think i am not giving up and try to keep my mood and positivity up ;) this is all i can do for the moment and keep strictly to all my meals and food.. not forgetting the challenging ones and all my recovery stuff i learned in the last 1,5 years :)

So also keep your heads up you sweeties ;) wish you all the best now and a wonderful night sleep ;) And may you all be a little bit more gangster ;) *just putting a crown on your head *

Getting along and stumbling in my life... Moving on ;)

Huhuuuuu Honeybees :)

Wow such a complicated life for me now... i definitively have to take good care of me right now not falling back into old sick habits..
As you may noticed from my previous posts, my life is changing so much at the moment and i truly have to be open for new opportunities, duties and letting the old behind me once for all... for sure the past waas not only bad or anything like that at all, but i absolutely realized now, that the one thing which is needed now: Getting grown-up and not remain in the past....
Yeah Miss Mager is the darkest chapter in my life and there are sooo many negative memories connected with this.. 

One thing i learned in the past years: It is just a bad day, not a bad life :) 

So what actually happens right now? Soooo one very big decision now is coming regarding to my job and my apprenticeship, because they offer me something which could work out well, but on the other hand it would mean a lot of stress and as you may know: Stress is the biggest factor for falling back to anorexia.... So this is something i truly have to figure out well and not make any prematurely decisions....

The other thing which affects me still is the circle of people/friends i spend and enjoy spending time with.... Losing some people, making new friends, being part of a group, having some exciting relationships with some boys,.... andandand....all this bothers me a lot at the moment... i mean i learnt so much the last weeks and met some unbelievable heartwarming peeeps, which absolutely pushes me a lot in recovery and it makes me feel loved and this is the best feeling ever for me ;) I pray to god that these people stay and not like others leave from one day to another :) #pleasestayatmyside :-*
Haha :) 

So something else i also wanted to share with you is, that i started with art therapy again ;) Just had one lesson, but it was really amazing, creating something outside in the garden and not knowing the result, just giving my thoughts a try :) this is something i truly can recommend to everyone who needs some help with their mental health ;) Maybe just giving it a try: I mean me for myself i hate drawing something real, i only let my mind play and do abstract pictures :) may sound bit weird for you, but i swear many people as well state that this has such a positive influence on your mind and body ;) Just give it a try okay? ;) 

Thats the first result of the drawing ;) Haha no by the way,
this is just the background ;) More to follow.....

So enough said for today ;) I wish you all a wonderful evening now my sweeties *_* Hope you have a good one and enjoying the summer ;) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Mwaaaah :-*

Ghosting ... and what actually is a REAL friend :S

HUhuuuuuu my cuties ;) 

Boooooooooo... or anyhow a ghost would make you scared and frightened :S 

Hahah another ghost ;) 

Haha no, this is not meant by the word GHOSTING :) this word i just read a few days or weeks ago in the newspaper and it totally reminded me of what many people often do without shame: they just do like PLOPP and disappear out of your life!!!!!!
This is something i think of as an outrageous behavior and especially if you thought of them as important or as a friend for you, this truly hits hard... i mean what do you think if somebody does not answer your texts and messages anymore or does not answer your phone calls...
Why does somebody do that? I mean without any explanation or giving the other side the chance to explain oneself, if he or she made something wrong... I just do not understand such a rude behaviour... 
I just can speak from my point of view... of course i also already erased myself out of the life of somebody else, but not a friend normally... in general those were all boys, i just dated or some girls who were chattering with me from time to time.. but NOT friends... this is just disgusting!!!!!! 
But now thinking about this some longer time ago, i recognized i truly have to ask myself at this topic: Was this person then really a friend???????

I never wanted to hear it or deal with it, but also in the day clinic in which i was in Munich, my therapist wanted me to ask myself what a real friend for me is....and what do you think, i did not even really know about it quiet properly .. we worked out a scheme, which unfortunately only is in German, but i think i can point out the most important points here as well : 
RESPECT, TRUST, EMPATHY, SAME LEVEL OF GIVING AND TAKING, IS HERE FOR YOU IN BAD TIMES, HELPING EACH OTHER, NO EXPLOITATION....
And do you agree? 
Even though i always thought, yes, for sure some times are good others are bad, realizing that this person, i thought about as a friend, has ghosted out of my life, truly hurts very much and makes me sad...I think you may also know the feeling of getting erased out of somebody´s life and this fucking is not fair, but hey if the other person wants it? I am just getting the conclusion for myself now, that (even though this sounds hard) this person never was a friend... because friends would talk to each other if there is a difficulty and not just piss off....Okay enough of me now...

I jreally found it difficult to deal with this topic now and i thought may some of you also can probably relate to it as well.. :) wish you all a wonderful evening now honeys :) 
Lots of love ;) xxxx

Moving out of your comfort zone...come on ^^

Huhuuuuuu my honeybees :) 

Wuhuu it is summer here in Germany, like today there are 37 degrees *OMG* :S 
Wow i normally enjoy the warm days sooo much, but this also for me will be a little bit too much i think.. but let´s make the best of it ;)

Such a wonderful sundown isn´t it? This
absolutely feels like summer :) 

So today my post will be a little bit about moving out of your comfort zone, which is reeeeeally scary i think.. especially for someone with a mental health issue....
and of course everybody has different views on what a comfort zone actually is, but here i will describe my own experiences and fears to it :) 

A comfort zone is the surrounding, place and area where you feel safe and you easily interact with the people and the environment in which you live :) Just like everything comes and goes without much thinking, low anxiety and many negative thoughts.... so why the hell moving out of this safe place???????
Hmm one reason could be, this place may made (or still makes) you ill....

Staying in a place or a zone, means in other words your life is on pause.... because staying is the opposite of moving, or am i right? 
And so if your comfort zone is the only thing you enjoy/accept/or act in you will one day or another be anxious about the other surrounding and these fears can be so hard to deal with i swear.. 
Also just think of what beautiful places you could get to see if you leave your zone?! The world is so big and you just stay in your 4 walls..? Yeah making new experiences can be so fearful, but also they could be so cool and amazing :) Just imagine how proud you could be, if you managed to do something which scares you!! This also in my eyes can be very healing.... 

This photo i made in a club last weekend where i was
visiting a friend ;) and i thought you all really should
take this for real!!!!!!!

So what are your fears and where does your comfort zone start and end? 
I don´t actually know for sure where it starts and ends, but many things easily become a fear for me if i do not regularly eat them for example.. just like those common fear foods.... :S so by times again and again eating them makes them easier to handle and they also stay on the safe side :) But this is just one example, like there could be zones in social life as well or in communication and so on...
But enough said now for tonight ;) Get your ass out of you comfort zones!!!!!!
Wish you a wonderful evening now xxxxxxxxxxxoxxxxxxx

Acceptance... the most ever used word in every therapy you definitively should know about ;)

Huhuuu all you lovelies and bees ;) :-*

I think the title at all describes best and already what this blog post will be about, right?! :) 
Yeah it´s all about ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE AND guess what ACCEPTANCE ...
WUhuuuu i love this word... NOT
So something you learn as a mental sick person in each different sort of therapy i swear: You have to accept that you have an illness and you also have to accept this illness can not control your whole life.. no matter how much you deny it...Neither you have an addiction, an eating disorder or any mental problem you have to deal with.. If you live that life on and on without changing something, you will not have a long or anything like a happy life.. I always try to think of me with 40 years still being struck in an haggard lean small body with a shrunken face still thinking about calories and counting them..  spending hours on not eating.... 

AND especially being alone then.. yeah an mental health issue makes you lonely... because you shock and scare away all your loved ones or those who would show interest on you :S 
And in my case, loneliness is the worst thing i can experience... only the thought of someone hating me is killing but being alone in this world is absolute horror for me... Brrrr... feels icecold....
So as my therapist one day told me in the day clinic: Either you accept that you need to gain weight for living a healthy life or you will starve yourself every day and then? Can you see any joy in this battle you do? 
And for sure the only right answer would be NO... There is no joy and happiness in your life, being totally in starving mode each day... So you wanna swap? 

Let go...and accept it

Awww and here are some self plucked
strawberries *_* just for a better mood ;) 

Bäm and this is something i learned as well.. if you don´t show any will to change something and show motivation to fully recover, this will never work... 
You can´t become healthy for anybody else than yourself... and for this you definitively need to see how beautiful and unique you are.... yeah gaining weight is really hard and especially if you have a very low BMI, but do not forget to do it for yourself.. i got to know so many beautiful girls in the clinic who made such super effort in gaining and getting so much tribute from the therapists, but most likely (this is my own experience from the clinic) about 80% relapse again... and this i think comes from the fact that they did not do it for themselves....

So by everything you do, accept it.. you need to make a decision to go for something and then stand for it... Like recovery: choose it, and then do it :) No way back okay!!!!!! 
Now a lovely sunday evening my sweeties :) <3 xoxoxoxoxo

Hoooooome home sweet hooome *_*

Huhuuuuu my angels ;)

Yeaaaah it is official, i am HOME now finally :) :) I made the decision to leave the WG and move back to my old/new house ;) 

The view of our house *_*

And it was MY own decision!! And i am definitively standing up for this! 
I hope all will work out now... the way it should or the way which can be accepted... of course there will be mistakes and relapses and flashbacks but i hope that i am strong enough the handle this bitch this time now! 
But i think it is TIME now.. time for ME...i am so sick of all those super duper correct (they only think they are correct!) supervisor and pedagogues who rebuke me for anything... and the most important thing which it is finally time for: doing a job, having something to do, developing a hobby, etc..... Soooo hopefully this works all out, so please press thumbs my beeeeeees *_* 

With some new speed back home... :)

Soo on and on and on i go.. and i am sure so do you?! So what is important to keep in mind when entering a new episode in life?
For me such steps like moving somewhere, even only a holiday is kind of a small chapter for me in my life, so one like this is kind of super big for me.. and one year ago i would never have thought how easy it is for me to start new.. like last year the step from home to the clinic, then home for two months in my family´s new house, then in the living community in munich and now home again... WOW.. for me like life changing.... :S

This approximately one year gave me so much.. it was the hardest year in my life so far i think, but it taught me so many many things... from being so much more independent (i did not even know how to wash my clothes alone :D) to making new contacts, developing friendships, loosing some people again and being so much more confident.... even though my self worth and esteem still are very low, i can say something has changed to this :) 
Letting people in and out in life and trusting someone is a big step i may also will write a new blog about, because what do you think, is it easy to fully let someone get to know you? 


Okay now so enough about my life now, i don´t even know if you are interested but i am alwaaaays so happy seeing in my statistics that someone stopped by :) Heheeee :) 
So i wish you a lovely and nice evening now :) Here in Germany the weather is so shit the last days,.. only rain rain rain and dust.. :) I am praying for a better one now :) 
Love ya ..... xxxxxx up to new beginnings...