And well yes-.. anorexia is the death itself...sooo always keep going :)

GOOOOOOOD EVENING YOU SWEET PEOPLE ;)

Yes, it is a fact: anorexia is the mental illness with the highest death rate ... I am so stunned by this sentence again and again, no matter in which relation and how often i hear it...:S 

I think this sounds so harmful and yes i can relate to this.. how often did i not know how to go on, trapped in my own head, banned by my own thoughts and rules i made in my head... Yes, a lot of people said to me i am stupid, crazy, dumb and stubborn.. but (maybe a little bit yes) no, it is an illness and all signs are on addiction... I am soo angry on those people who just always said to me and my parents, that i should just eat a little more (or to them: don´t you see your kid is dying of starvation?) What did you all think  saying such things? And thanks yes, i knew i had to eat "just a little more" and everything would have been fine again... NO, never.... 

Nobody in my surrounding did really know how to deal with it and when this lady from the advice center at first used the word: anorexia/ Magersucht in German.. me and my mum fell from heaven and i did not believe her... But yes, i really suited on EVERY sign of this list with the symptoms... I swear i never wanted to have something like this, i think nobody does, but coming up agains such a harsh rejection of the humans in my surrounding i was shocked. ..... yes i did at this point, weighting under 40 kg not see myself right in the mirror, but how some people acted towards me was frightening and disgusting.. i am so thankful they now are NOT longer in my life! 

But enough of this, yes i lost some people, i met in the clinic or somewhere else to anorexia... it really shocked me each time hearing it killed somebody i know again.. i was sooo close to death i know how it feels being so down... no matter how their life has ended, anorexia is never worth ending a life... so in my eyes she is the death itself.. a skinny, mean horror lady walking next to a good soul (that is how i always call those lovely people i met on my way in the clinic...)

I feel so sorry for each person who lost the battle against this monster, addiction in their head...Hopefully i am over the bridge now... ;) 

Wish you all, even though this was kind of a harsh and frightened post, a wonderful evening ;) But i needed to write it, because according to some friends of mine who again and again are in different clinics... which scares me and i never wanna go anywhere down there again ;) xxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo 

HELLOOOOOOO 2020 lets see how you will be :D Times flies by so fast aaand Happy Nutella Day *_*

Huhuuuuuu honeys ;) 

Yes it is now already 2020 and i was right guessing in my last blog post of 2019 that i will be drunk on New Years Eve haha.. :D 
And yes it was muuuuch better than the year before :) And well for sure now it is a kind of weird feeling that a new year has begun... all the opportunities and duties it brings again.. kind of starting again from zero.. but thats just in my head i know.. it is not different in any way than it was on the 31st december... 
So why are people making up some intentions for new year? It feels like everybody wants to eat healthier or go in masses to the fitness center....?! Just wtf... I mean why at the beginning of a new year? Where is the sense? Such thoughts always bond people and as i am a person who easily gets caught in routine, this is confusing..i do not wanna start from zero each year.. i just want a whole flow from year to year month to month and day by day...

My new tattoo i made with my best friend ;)
She has a bee and i have the word HONEY ;) 

So now i already started this blog post about one month ago, it already is february and carnival has come ;) this weekend i was on my first carnival parade and realized how fast again time flew by, just living without MISS M right now fully at the moment ;) YES; i feel i totally got her at the moment ;) for sure she still is here and i feel her at some precious situations a lot, BUT all in all, i recognized i can dim her to the minimum down and ignore her ...;) yes the bad thoughts afterwards are still here, for example after a really challening meal like a typical german Zwiebelrostbraten with Käsespätze, what i ate at the birthday party of a friend ..) But i know how to deal with it and not restrict anymore again ;) 
All in all i must again say, that change is necessary to fully heal, just as this quote my therapist again and again told me says: "You can´t heal in an environment in which you got sick..." and well YES he is right ;) Never really believed this, but now i totally agree with it :) Being away from my old home and then moving in a new one.. yes it changed me and it was just the beginning of many following changes... But about this i will make another blog post again ;) Just not being in my old room again and such little things made it quiet a lot easier as i thought ;) 
Wooooow and now i wish you alsoooo a haaaaaaapppyyyyyy woorld NUTELLA DAY ;) Yes, this day always is marked in my calendar :DDDDD 
So guys, just keep eating NUTELLA and celebrate your life and this special day ;) because life is not bad always, this is just your thoughts about ;) 

Haha such a wise end of this post ;)))))))
WIsh you a wonderful night now ;) 

THIS WAS 2019 .... yeah ;) welcome home

Huuhuuu my sweet stuff :) 

First of all it OMG again (time went by so fast ...) Christmas Time is already over :) WOW ... 
And i hope that all of you had a wonderful time with your loved ones :) i absolutely had ;) 

Here in Germany no snow has fallen recently and so i am really exited when it is time for the first snow to fall down ;) 

Recently i noticed that now over a year ago i moved to Munich an puuh it feels like time went by so fast i never would have thought i live here since half a year now already ... 
And i totally can say: I am soooooo happy i made the step and moved out there! For nothing in the world i would go back there and the last half year at home showed me so much of how amazing and stunning life can be.. As i already said in the last posts, i got to know so many new gorgeous and impressing people, made friends and shared so many great evenings, nights with them :) But i also noticed how good and calming it feels to reunite with some old mates ;) 
This year truly marks a world for me... i made good and bad experiences, from which i all in all learned a lot.. about me and also about others :D 

Haha and now it seems like ages ago, that last new years eve i had to do an alcohol test, because this was forbidden and i got a roasting from the bosses of the wg, because me and a friend did drink a bottle of wine together :) Hahaa ;) what a start of 2019 :DD
SO i truly am sure that this year will end different :DDDD most probably with something to drink in both hands ;) 
So cheers to this :) 

And also a lot of people now ask me if i actually feel at home here in this little village in our house? And well, YES i absolutely do! Nowhere i would rather live now.. i have my own space and company if i want some ;) This year had so many changes that i now found time to just settle in and look along where i wanna be and what i wanna do ;) I broke up with Munich, moved here, made a reintegration in my old job and continued my paused apprenticeship in a completely new class ;) and most of all i did not fall back into old habits like my therapist warned me... i have a new surrounding here and try to make everything a little different than 2 years ago :) 
Thanks for all of you ;) and if i say all, i mean ALL of you ;) 

Wish you a wonderfuul night now and i think i won´t blog this year once more, so i wish all of you a happy new year with new chances, choices and most of all wonderful moments to live for ;) xxx

Lost in LISBOOOOON :) yes kind of ;)

Well yeah ähm long time no see... yes i was a little bit absent on here, because i absolutely had no idea of what to write about.. i started like 4 blog posts but did never finish them because i lost the thread :S 

So now i will make this one ready to read ;) 

Because all of my other started posts were sooo serious, i decided to do one about something not so serious, just more fun and maybe also interesting to read :) 

It will be about my trip to LISBON just few days agoooooooo ;) 

Well actually the whole trip was very spontaneous planned, because my mum found a reeeeaally cheap Ryanair flight (one flight for one person only was 25€ and we already booked it at the beginning of september :O) and so i gave it a goo ;) Yeah well, as i may once wrote down, my relatives live near the city center of Lisbon and this always is a reason to go there ;) We only meet up very rare, like twice or a little more often each year :) 

So the flight was on early sunday morning and i had such a hangover :D haha typically me i was feeling so ill the whole day :D But nevertheless, we made the best of it ;) Arriving in Lisbon we went to LX Factory, which can be described as a very cool old fabric complex where now some artists made cute little shops and such stuff ;) It really was lovely and i liked it ;) And Haha the weather ;) YES, me and the weather, the forecast was sooo bad for the whole week, like only rain and freeezy for this part of the world ;) But we were quite lucky, because we had much sun as well and not as much rain as it was said ;)

 

The next day my aunt and cousin took us to kind of a "lost place", it was such a panorama hotel, LEFT, like it was empty with soo many cool and fascinating graffiti all over, it was sooo stunning to see... a hotel with view to the ocean, left and painted ;) I loved it ;)

We also went to the Beach at a little city nearby ;) it was called Sesimbra ;) And the weather was great ;) HAha ;) But then on tuesday all the rain came down ;) So we decided to go by metro to the biggest shoopping center in Lisbon, COLOMBO ;) Wow, it was so big, i was desortiented ;) but still amazing ;) On the next day, it still seemed not so good, so we went to another shoopping center at the EXPO area ;) And afterwards we went to the inner city to go to HARD ROCK CAFE, where we always buy some cool stuff and memories ;)

On our last full day in lisbon my cousin took us out again and he showed us another LOST place, a left restaurant at the top of the city with an amaaazing view on the whole city ;) WOW ;) and also so many stunning graffiti ;) can´t believe it was left ;)

we also went for a coastal drive with him and had a wonderful afternoon ;) In the evening our portugese relatives took us out for dinner ;) at a rooftop bar with stunning view as well called "LOST in " (haha again LOST, this seemed to be the motto of this trip ;))

On Friday we again went for a little shopping and then to the airport, and safely landed in the evening again ;) WOW, being only one week away felt like i have seen so many things i completely felt flashed and it was good taking a little break from daily life ;) 

It sometimes may felt hard for me leaving my comfort zone, but all the memories i made totally were worth it ;) So always keep in mind, sometimes you have to leave your safe place to LIVE ;) Wish you a wonderful good night now ;) xxxxxxxx <3 

Risk something ;) either it is a lesson or a blessing ;) Dare it or loose it

Huhuuu my loves ;) 

Soooo hello agaiinn ;) it has been quite a few weeks since my last post, but i had a lot to think, to do and figure out.. I made some really new experiences and i actually can say: Yeah i lived :O soomehow i think ;) Maybe not the life of a 24 year old woman, but hey maybe the life of a 18 year old one ;D You can think about this the way you want, i won´t explain it any further :D Just like the title says, either you try it and it is a lesson and you grow at or you just have some fun and a good time ;) 

Back in the game ;)

Sooo but i also started aaagain  with my apprenticeship and so also vocational school (don´t actually know how to say it in english=)) and i must say i was so afraid of this, because i only had so many negative experiences with my illness there and i hated each day i had to go there ;) Now i am at a different class, with many newwww people and i also was the new one again, because the others already knew each other from the year before and i was so afraid not to find connection to them, but i just sat down and a very funny polish girl sat next to me and i started talking to her..  we came along so well and we nearly spend all the time together which is a really positive experience so far ;) Lets see how this continues and how i deal with the learning and so on and on ;) Just not breaking my head for this ;) 

Sooo what i actually wanted to point out with this blog entry: I wanted to show up all the risks of staying in your comfort zone ;) Yeaah all the risks because you will miss a lot if you stay in your little snake house not moving out and making new experiences ;) 
For sure they can go wrong ... so hardly :S and they dammitly can hurt yes... but well then it was a lesson... you can make it different the next time and maybe succeed then :) just trying to see it this way round ;) Haha normally this works out then, except you are me and make the same fucking experience many more times :DD 

But to point this out not moving out you will die home alone in your room.. 
Anorexia also showed this to me.. it isolates yourself from the world... I felt so ashamed and afraid of everything i did not really want to make something like going out or anywhere... every event no matter what it was felt like a deadline till then to me... i was so afraid of the idea of eating somewhere else and not being in my routine... this truly shocks me now in reward.. i made the best experiences when i went out and not stayed home every weekend.. i was so unhappy at that time but i did absolutely not want to admit to myself that i was alone with anorexia by then.. all the times she won the battle in my head and i stayed home living my daily sick routine.... such a fuck... and i am so angry on my old me remembering all of this time... 
But thank god and i hope so much this time it will be over.. just for now enjoying the moment (more or less sometimes haha:))
Wish you all a wonderful and calm night now ;) xoxoxox

What is needed to call a person a beautiful person?

Huhuuuu my sweeties *_*

Today suddenly in my mind this question popped up.. i actually even don´t know why and in which context... But do YOU know what it needs to be beautiful?
By BEAUTIFUL i do NOT mean in appearance!!!!!! For sure it can be self boosting if you look good and you may also feel good then, buuuut.... for me a person who is beautiful needs to own a huge heart, is empathic, is here for here friends and is in peace with him-or herself ;) The last one is i think the most important thing here... someone is beautiful who shines from the inside not only attracts from the outside!!!!!!

Yeah and thats quite what it is all about.. only focussing on how the look of a person is so superficial and you will also be treated in the same way as a result of that i think.. or will end up unhappy with a may attractive but icecold person.. AND this is not what i want... 
So i must also admit that i am no exception, i also am veeeery very picky if it comes to dating in general, buuut for me i recognized that i for sure look at his appearance, but i only will give some attention to him if i get to TRUST him.. This for me is the MOST important thing which makes a person beautiful: Being honest and trustworthy!!!!!
WIthout this every effort for someone is rubbish...Learning by doing yeeeeeees :S 

So what as well is a characteristic of a beautiful one? 
Being an individual... Well yes, for sure everybody thinks he is, but are you really sure you actually are? Do you have your own opinion and fashion style and stand up for this? Me for myself was sooowrong for ages... because i only was copying others and did not stand up for my voice.. only trying to please everyone else.. and this is what as well made me sick.. so look after yourself and make sure you are in peace with yourself (or nearly as much as possible;)) 
So also confidence in my eyes is something which is stunning about a person for me:) it also is a sign that the person is satisfied with him-or herself:) Well for sure too much confidence as well can appear arrogant or egoistic but in general a person who is not shy makes an impressive look to me, it can be beautiful but it needn´t be in general ;) 

Puuuuuh enough blog words for now ;) So it just is time for a result ;)

Final result now:
Shining from the inside is what attracts the most from the outside ;) And the best thing you can wear is a smile ;) 

Wish you all a lovely evening now my honesys ;) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Mooooootivation on :) How to get out of a dark episode and negative thoughts :)

Hellooooo again my loves ;) and not loved ones maybe as well :DDD

Nutella as well always helps
;)

According to my actual mood (in which i definitively would need some shining moments or maybe only some shooting stars to wish for something ) I thought about writing a post of how to motivate again in daily life and how to deal with some dark episodes... Like for example suffering from depression, being lovesick, a loss of a beloved person or it could also just be stress you hardly can deal with... 
This at all is such a difficult question that there is no right or suitable answer for everybody, because each one of us acts different when it comes to sorrow or stress... like i know, some people eat when they are sad or down whereas others just restrict and could not eat anything because of a lump in their throat as we say in Germany :S 

But those things are just the side effects of such dark days... no solution... eating or not eating is NO solution<! DO NOT COMPENSATE YOUR SORROW... i swear surpressing those negative feelings will let them grow... one thing i for sure learned in therapy is that feelings have their right to BE there!!! Maybe you sometimes do not even understand why, but your body subconscious knows what is right in such a situation.. Like for example if you have been left by your boyfriend and you may think "What a fucking a****" and you are so angry about him so you just wanna throw everything around... just stop and feel it... is this the feeling you truly have? 
Just think about it... when i experienced this feeling i did also act so angry and in a rage and then when time went on, just like 2 weeks later(!) i felt such a deeeeeeeep deep grief and sorrow i only wanted to cry it all out.. yeah my body was sad and i had to let it out... and after this and talking about the whole thing my mind truly started to close this chapter of my life and i moved on.... so much more relieved and free now ;) And i always keep this in my mind: It is no shame being sad about something and admitting that you are hurt.. it only is human and letting it out will prevent you from such mental illnesses like depression, burnout or maybe also an eating disorder... who knows?!
So and now? Crying it out and you are better? For sure you know this does not work to 100%.. but then how to keep on going? Not falling into a deep dark hole in the ground...

My ideas are just ideas, no solutions which may work for everyone, okay? Yeah so for the first thing to get out of it, i would consider not staying alone with it.. Just chat to someone, meet up friends, go out and distract yourself from the cloud of negative thoughts which ghosts around in your head... Me for example helps this the most, because me being alone with those mean thoughts: i mostly end up crying again...So i went on a burger date with some girls from the clinic last week ;) It was such a wonderful reunion and we had sooo much to talk about which absolutely made my problems in this moment much less important ;) Thanks my girls xoxoxo

It is so beautiful where i live ;) 

Then something else would be going out into the nature and simply try to inhale it and see the beauty itself.. yeah and also taking a little walk can help so much,.... there some happiness emotions show up and you immediately will be out of your thoughts...


Another idea of me would be CHANGE ;) Well yeah what the hell? I think if you close a chapter in your life it may also be time for an external change in appearance  :) SO to come back what i mean: Change your haircolor or fo and make a piercing, just like me yesterday (hehe the one on the right is new ;)) It may hurt a little bit or will be unfamiliar at first, but this shows you are strong and you move on.. NO more negativities, focus on the positive of your look ;) Because you look great!

PUuuh so i think for now these are enough suggestions for you of how to overcome such dark and negative episodes of your life ;) If you want i can continue with this list in one of my next posts as well ;) Just let me know ;) there are so many more possibilities :D 
Wish you now a wonderful sunday evening my beeees ;) <3 <3