BLOGGING GAL ;)

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey my hunbuuuuns <3
I hope you all are fine and maybe alsooooo enjoying the first snowflakes in your country? ;) Here yesterday the first white layer fell down on the grooooound ;) I LOVE IT
Even though it now is getting colder day by day, I wanna keep the beautiful landscape in the white waaaaay *_* 
So now I decided to take part in Izzy´s great idea of writing down some likes, dislikes and goals!!!! ;) So what do you think of mine? Any ideas for improvement? =) I would be so glad to hear from yooooou ;) 

7 things I like:

Warm hugs of family and friends

Hot drinks on a snowy winter day

Going on holidays and trips
Christmas and Summer time
Making someone happy 
Being free and myself
Spending my time with people I love

6 things I don´t like:
Miss Mager

People who aren´t honest/ Liars
Coldness and rainy dusty days
Insecurity
Decisions
Perfectionism

5 things that make me happy:

Seeing my family and friends
Receiving a present/ gift from someone special

Getting a compliment/ nice words
Reading motivational quotes
Feeling good in my body and smiling

4 things I want to do: 

Traveling the world as precisely as possible
Making someone happy
Getting out of hospital
Finding my way in life

3 goals: 

Planning my future in a realistic way
Realizing some plans I already have
GETTING RID OF MISS MAGER

2 things I want to achieve: 

Being independent 
Being strong enough to live my life

1 favorite quote:

NUTELLA FOR THE NUTELLA GIRLIIIIIE ;)

Hey my Sweeeeties *_*

For me hitting my personal rock bottom here made me change (maybe some things also unconsciously) in so many ways, I never think I would be forced to.....
For me all of this is soooooo confusing I can tell you :) I hardly can anyway express it properly in any way :( 

I definitively needed that kick in my ass!!! This is something I know for sure now ;) And also now the situation also changed a bit in another way: a new girl arrived, which is so scaringly thin, that she had to be tube feeded and sits in a wheelchair :S She truly got all my compassion and neeeeeever ever want to be like her :( this shocked me so much seeing her and getting to see how harmful this illness really can be :( my only problem now is, she wants to talk to me all the time about food and such stuff and wants to spend time with me :( of course this is lovely of her, but her behaviors really scare me :( Like she stares at me all the time while eating or asking me for things like Green Tea or wanting to know bad things about the other girls :( but I do not fall back, this motivates me so much to move out of this ill stuff, because I never wanna be like this :( 
so keeping on to the full speed button to NOT stop at the middle of the hill!!! 
I now had to increase my lunch already, which means I now have to eat 150% of each served meal, which sometimes really can be so challenging :) but I always have to remind myself, that absolutely will be worth it :) all for becoming myself again ;) 

So my hunnybunnies ;) I wish you a nice day and make the most out of it!!!!^^

AAAAH and back to my headline!! I now have the set goal here to eat NUTELLA daily as a challenge for me ;) Oh of course I still am such a lover of Nutella, but I was so afraid of trying it in here for breakfast, because it is the obligation to put butter under each topic and I could never imagine Nutella in combination with butter :S but now I tried it and I absolutely must say that I am so happy I tried it, because I now have my Nutella back in here !!! 
AND WHAT WOULD NUTELLARELLA BE WITHOUT NUTELLA? :) 

Huhuuuuuu :)

Hoooooneys ;)
Strange strange world all in all together.......
Don´t really know what to think about it at the moment.....
Sometimes I feel so lonely with myself and don´t even know why this is the case....

Being here in the clinic show me so many many important things in life, which I didn´t really appreciate in the past and took for normal....
Just such simple things like going into a supermarket with my Mama or driving a bit around and just enjoying the surrounding :S Now it feels like they took all of this away from me, without even asking for permission.... So many new rules, which they force me to live after, but taking away my preferences..... 
I know complaining about it, does not change anything about it and I am the only person who can make myself get out of these rules and boundings!!!! I have to give full speed to gain back my whole life again and not remain where I am now :) 

Hahaa this actually should be a motivational post, but again I digress from the topic :) UUUUUPS :) 
So to keep you updated: I slowly settled in here now and I truly met some so lovely and nice people, who support and motivate me again and again ;) so thanks for those :) 

But I definitively have to admit (to myself and also all of you:)) this is the hardest and most emotional time of my whole life so far!!! I don´t know how to express it in another way, but all the confrontations with the complexity of my eating disorder and Miss Mager in general, needs all my power and energy :) I never experienced so many crashing emotions every day again and again and I truly can tell you, if I know still would not want to get healthy and rid of this beast, I already would have broke up my stay :S but I feel I can let changes in and this is what I want now!!!!!!!! 

So you may all wander what my days here in the clinic look like? 
Oh yes I have many many free and boring time :S but this is typical :( So every morning I get weighted here, then there is breakfast and on the mornings sometimes group or individual therapy :) also there are so many medical checks each day, like ecg or blood checks :) I also got such a cold the whole last week :( this felt so bad, like coughing all the time and having such a headache :S I haven´t got something like this since about the last 2 years! But the doctors told me it is a good sign, that my body reacts to its surroundings :S 
Afterwards at noon, we have lunch, for which I already now have to eat 150% of the normal portion to gain :S this is something which truly confuses me each day again, but I now see it really is necessary :) At the afternoon I also have a lot of free time, sometimes a few little matches, but nothing truly special :) sooooo boring sometimes :S at 6pm we have dinner and afterwards I often spend some more time with other girls here, like playing cards or watching a movie :) to distract ourselves a little bit..... :) I also often call with my family, which supports and helps me so so unbelievably much!!!!!! They truly are my biggest and most motivating backing!!! :) they absolutely mean the world to me :) 
Today the weather is so so lovely and autumnly here, so I and another girl took a few steps to walk down to the lake, which just is a few meters away from the clinic :) and I absolutely enjoyed the great weather, the sun, the fresh air and the surroundings :) this truly distracts myself as well :) 

And today I now get some visiiiiitors :) two girls who I know from college, visit meeee :) Oh I am so excited, but happy :)and tomooooorrow finally my Papa also comes to spend some niiiiiiiice time with me :) *_* I am always looking so much forward to this 
So my hunnybeeeeeeeees ;) I love u all so much and I hope I do not bore you with my posts here from the clinic :) are there any topics you wanna get to know more about? ;) I would love to hear from yooooooooou :-* 
xxxx <3 Have a great day 

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN and all the different faces of Miss Mager :S

Heeeeey Sweeties :)
How are you all doing? I hope so much you are fine and well :) 

So maybe you wanna get a little update about my time here in hospital? I am actually feeling a little bit better now since I had a few very very confusing days :S but this is just the way it often is, they told me :) 

I feel so lonely here at some times, but then again I know that I am absolutely right for being here, because I never think now I would be able to beat this stupid illness on my own... And eating wise I already made so many efforts right now, which truly impresses me...This is something I already know for sure now!!! 
It truly forces me in so many many direction being in here, but I am sure, all the challenges they give me and all the shit, which develops because of me being not hard enough, make me to another person who is so much stronger than before!!
I truly get more the impression, that all the girls see each other as competitors who is doing better or who is able to cheat more or eat less :S I absolutely never would be that cruel and sneak on the others :) 
In my opinion, they are all here as well because of different seventies of Miss Magers´face and so I thought they would understand the struggles of each other, but obviously they do not really :S 
Hahaa but I know now just (thank you so much Mama and Papa for this advice) that I never want to end up like them in my life :) So so many of them already are at their mid- or end twenties, live at their parents and have nothing else to think about than spending saturday morning and sunday afternoon with knitting or taking part at a beauty workshop in a clinic for eating disorders :S OMG sorry but I never want to end up like this again, because it sounds so ridiculous :S and sometimes I also truly get the impression they actually are not unhappy with it..... Such strange psychopaths in my eyes :S 

This is the most stirring thing for me at the moment :( I simply hate being seen as a concurrent in somebody else´s eyes... and this exactly is the case in here :) Everyone focus on you making some faults or slips and then they attack you just like wild animals :( such friendly girls hahaaa :S for sure not, they all focus on yourself to divert from themselves to not getting caught and to have something they can talk about :) so I really seem to give them true reasons to talk about :S Oh this is sometimes so ridiculous :) 
Sorry for all my negativity according to them, but otherwise I am so proud to say, that I actually am doing all in all good here in the clinic :) my weight is raising step by step and I truly can say I eat so much more than I ever did :) it also gets easier day by day I honestly can state :) 

Oh and I nearly forgot: To all of you who celebrate Halloweeen and all this stuff in their countries, I wish you a great time and celebrations ;) 
Love u all so much and hope to hear some great news from you of how you are doing ? :)
xxx <3

Little update :)

Okeeeey my honeybeeeeees ;)
NEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWS

So now I think it is time to give u a real update about my current situation, as I think I neglected this a little bit too much in the last time...... :S I am so sorry about that ;) 
Okaaaaay this isn´t very easy for me to tell, but since yesterday I am at an inpatient treatment center which specially has been designed for eating disorders :) It does not at all look like a hospital or something like this, but it is for me to gain some more weight, as I wasn´t able now to do this at home :( I was on this long waiting list since June this year and last week I finally got the call that I can get in :) I at first was so shocked and as you all probably know getting inpatient was the last thing I ever wanted or intended as the right thing :( but now I know this only was the thing which the "Miss Mager part of myself" didn´t want to :S 

And I honestly must say it is kind of amazing and shocking at the same time of how eating the portion sizes here feels :S It all is kind of more hectic and faster, but truly was able to manage yesterday evening dinner and today breakfast :) OMG *_* this is so confusing for me, as I never ever ate such big sizes of bread at home :( And the most stunning part, which I never expected as it really is, is the atmosphere with the other people and the nice girls on my ward :) they truly support each other by cheering up and such stuff :) Oh I am so overwhelmed by so many many new impressions and changes which are going on here :) I am so curious about how things are going on now, but I truly hope it was the right decision of going here :) 
My room is quite nice here and the surrounding is very pretty as well ;) doesn´t really makes the appearance of a hospital at all :) this makes it a lot easier :) 
I am so nervous about all the different rules and the stuff I don´t know yet, but I hope now the only way is up ;) let´s beat Miss Mager once for all time ;) never go back ;) 

Wish you all a lovely lovely evening now and enjoy life, it definitively will be worth it ;) but at first I have to heal in order to live/love/laugh again ;) believe me being underweight isn´t fun at all...... :S 
xxx

Stupid Angeeee girl :SSSSS

Hey my honeeeeeeeeeeeeeys :) 
The following post (which is down here) is a post I wanted to publish last week on Sunday :S I was so down, because as you can see, I disappointed all my beloved ones, and felt like a unworthy and disgraceful person :( I really was determined to cut down my blog, because I felt like a failure :) 
BUT and now you all have to read carefully! BUT my parents AGAIN saved me from doing the wrong thing and even if I acted so so wrong and inexcusable, they still built me up and helped me come back on track!! OMG you can´t believe what amazing persons they are :) I can´t believe it by myself :S They are my rocks!!! And even if I acted ice cold against them and broke their heart more than one time, they still built me up and helped me cope :) THEY ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for still believing in me :) I hope now you don´t think I am a bad person or something like this for not being able to get rid of this ED in a faster way, and I thank you so much as well for still reading my blog :) I know noticed again how much it means to me and I could´t be without it :) it motivates me so much again and again and I am so thankful for having this little page: "How Nutella saved my Life"
I always have to remember why I started it and I will not end it till I reached my final goal:
BEING A HEALTHY AND NORMAL GIRL WITHOUT EATING DISORDERED THOUGTHS!

SO THIS IS THE POST I WANTED TO PUBLISH, BUT WASN´T ABLE TO: 

So sorry my dears...........

I am just a liar, who is lying to herself, that she would be able to recover, but Miss MAGER is too strong for me....

I am so sorry for admitting this, but this is soooo true :( I am always hurting the people I love and this is the worst for me.... So I don´t want to pretend to be someone I am not to you guys, and this definitively is: a girl who is able to recover.....

So I wish you guys all the best in your own personal recovery, and I hope you all are able to reach happiness, health and recovery and find your own personal luck!!!

But I lost the love and the trust of two of me most important people on earth today completely and for the last time..... they lost their faith in me and this meant everything to me. so now I feel extremely lost at the moment... :( sorry Mama and Papa :( 

Thank you all for your always heartwarming comments and words, I love u and maybe if I will be better some day, we will finally made it up to each other :) Thanks for always believing and supporting me, but I now know I am definitively not worth the kind words.......

SORRY again.........


LUCKILY I NOW CHANGED MY MIND AND NOT STOP BLOGGING, AS I GOT TO KNOW SO MANY LOVELY PEOPLE THROUGH IT AND I ENJOY WRITING IT SO MUCH *_* 
Love u all so much <3 

Foods which mean LOVE to me *_*

Hey cuuuties ;)
I am so sorry for my lack of posts at the moment, but there is so much I have to deal in my head right now that I don´t truly now about what to blog? ;) 
I have so many ideas but no plan of how to realize them :( I notice more and more now how much Miss Mager really imprisons us :( She keeps us away from living and I definitively have to do something against it ;) 
So for also distracting myself a little bit from all kind of negative thoughts, I now decided to write a little bit about what dishes are MY (the real Ange one´s ) favorite ones to eat ;) 
I absolutely DON´T know if this is interesting for anyone of you at all, but today I am not really in the mood for writing a thoughtful and elaborated post, soooo here I go (I hope you are okay with this hehe :D) (Oh and by the way, many of them are some childhood favorites or maybe also German foods you don´t know, so if you have any questions, feeeeeel so freeeeee to ask): 

Dishes and main meals:
- Rice, spinach and minced meat
- Fish fingers
- Egg, spinach and potato mash
- Wiener Schnitzel with chips 
- Sweet yeast dumplings, spinach dumplings or Semmelknödel
- Pancakes (filled with jam or ham and cheese)
- Porridge and muesli (especially the crunchy ones)
- Wraps
- Mc Donalds :D
- Pizza
- Schupfnudeln
- Toast with Nutella, Jam, ....
- Roasted Potatoes and pumpkin with dips
- Kässpätzle
- Chicken with rice


Snaaaaacky Snacks:
- Nutellaaaaaaa *_* 
- Chocolate (mostly Milkaaaaa)
- Cookies 
- Custard (Oh I always love the vanilla ones the most!!)
- Cakes, Tartes, Brownies, Fudge, Crumble

(hahaaa do you notice all great things start with a "C" -> so we probably have to rename Nutella into Cutella? *_* hahahaaa what do you think, would this be a possibility? ;)