Sei nicht zu hart zu dir selbst --- Forgive yourself and be gracious *_*

Gooood evening my cutiiies *_* 

Soooo another sign of life from myself aaaaaaand therby as well a belated HAPPY ST PADDY´S DAY :) to some of my special irish readers but also everyone else :D Here in Munich there was as well a big parade and a party celebrating this special day *_* 
As you all know i loooove ireland :) So i also had a look at the festivities yesterday and i am such a fan of you crazy irish ones :DDDD

Sooo what happend in the last nearly two months? :) Soooo many happy but also hard things again (but guess what i think this is life =)) 
First of all there is the Tagesklinik in which i am still trying my best to get out of this shit of anorexia.. :S and i truly have to say this really is adapted to daily life structures which immensly helps me a lot.. because learning how to deal in real life is something i absolutely have underestimated... So it definitively is a hard time right now, because working on yourself needs so much energy... but i also see : it is absolutely worth it !!!!!!!!!

I never felt more confident and on my way than right now:) sounds selfish, doesn´ it? :S 
But i also start learning and recognizing this is something i truly need to learn to fully heal: being gracious with myself .... no matter what feeling you may have or somebody else tries to give to you :) YOU are important :) this is something i am dealing so hard with ;) and forgiving myself each day all the shit i have done wrong... looking back in my life i made so many faults, i can´t turn around but then i have to remind myself making a mistake is allowed but it all depends on the way to handle it and go on with it ;) Like my tattoo says: never a failure, always a lesson!!!!! Nearly the same;) it is not how you make yourself bad for a mistake it is how you go on with it and learn from it in the best way ;) 
Easy said, i know.... Haha i am the best in saying theoretical how to do it but make it wrong each time again ;( 
But nevertheless, i also learned that there are so many people out there who absolutely appreciate you and all of your appearance !!!!! I don´t know if you may also feel like your not worth spending time with.... this is something which always harms me and makes me feel sorrow and insecure in being with other people.. like i would get on everybody ´s nerves and they are only friends with me because they feel sorry for myself... And this also is such a factor of my anorexia ... it always makes me wonder how this and an eating disorder cling together, you know? ;) Acting in society and feeling insecure is a big factor in developing mental illnesses.... sad right..... but how to deal with it? 
Yeah that is the question i am working right now..... tell me if you found an answer.. i will also tell you okay? :) Sooo now enough of my babbling ;) Hopefully you know have a wonderful evening my dears ;) xxxxxxxxxxx Looooove ya

Living update ;) about guess what? my LIFE ;) What actually happens after the clinic...

Hellooooo hello again, long time no see i know :S

But a lot has happened recently in my life... it seemed like this fucking year 2018 would never end? :) but it did and 2019 did not start anyhow better.. but later more to this.. ;D 

Okay, so in the second week of november the Living community in Munich finally called me...I signed myself in there in August, on the advice of the chief psychologist of the Schön Klinik... He told me this would help me to get the balance between the life in the clinic to the life afterwards at home... For me this felt like WTF?! I never wanted to move out from home, especially because my family has moved into our new house this year.. so i wanted to live there as well for sure... but he was convinced of the opinion i would not make it at home again.. and maybe he was right, i thought... i decided to give it a try... i visited to of those living groups in Munich and loved the one which was at the very city center... ;) I really signed in....
WOW what a step again, for me the homesick girl.... i always thought i could not live somewhere else, but now this was not such a big step for me as i even thought.... in a positive way.. right now i do not know how to think about living here, it just feels kind of unreal and weird at the moment.. Like me lost in the big city :S And for sure being new in a wg with 24 girls is really not easy, but i think i need to make my way through it right now and give it a chance.. because it absolutely is not what i expected it to be, because it is most of the time soo boring... 
Soooo making another big decision which maybe sounds weird, because i live in a therapeutically accompanied living group, i signed in the day clinic... :S sounds confusing, and it also is for me, but i truly have to tell you, this daily support is not what i expected it to be in here... in the morning we only do such waste of time like doing walks, strolls through munich without any real goal, or do tinker or play games.. no daily structure anyhow given... and this mostly was the reason why making the decision of going to the day clinic: I have a daily structure and i still have to gain weight and this works there as well faster as in the wg... :S 
I don´t know if you understand all of my writing in this post, because i am as well, kind of confused and it is hard to explain, but i am not feeling very comfortable here at the moment.. like being parked in this wg and not knowing what to do with myself... my apprenticeship still is on ice until august and i hope i will be ready to continue it then again.. so this is what i am working straight towars.. so weight gain is priority and learning to take care and responsibility for me:)))))))
Maybe you also have made experiences with such living groups or day clinics? =) I would love to hear from you ;)would be so cool to hear ;) wish you a lovely sunday my honeybees ;) 
Unfortunately the internet is so bad in here that i can´t upload any pic.... :( soo this post also looks soo boring.. so sorry for that :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo

NEVER A FAILURE, ALWAYS A LESSON XXX

Huhuuuuu honeys and sweeties ;) 

OMG I did it!!!! I made my second tattoo ever.... On Friday I had the appointment :) :) 

I was soooo excited because i wanted one for such a long time now already but never was able to decide which symbol or text, and where at which place on my body i wanna make it... So on monday i called and they told me friday at 11 and i was like wow how cool, because there was a resident tattoo artist who should be really good :D 

So at the end there was the choice between a quote on the side of the ribs, or an ankle chain or something at my back ... puuuuh when i was there i actually wanted to ran away for a minute because i HATE decisions and i am so bad at making them... :S
But nevertheless i made one: 
NEVER A FAILURE, ALWAYS A LESSON XXX
So this quote has a special meaning for me... because through my illness i discovered that i am always making myself soooo bad for being weak or making something wrong.. Like it would be a total catastrophe me doing a failure... and the world would hate me or go down.... Like you know what i mean? 
And this now could be my reminder, that each mistake i made (through anorexia or just in normal life) is not a failure at all.. it just was a lesson, that i experienced.. and still life went on!! Like each person, boy, or false friend was a lesson, like they are not in my life anymore, but it taught me how other people sometimes deal with you and this often is not nice....But so it is better they are not part of YOUR life now anymore, so i made the lesson, no more trust to this person and i can move on to better ones... Hopefully ;) 
And those three X stand for each member of my Family, because they truly saved my life!!! So they mean the world to me and this should be a reminder i am never alone as long as i have my mum, dad and sister in my life! Gives me hope! :) 

Sooo now i wish you all a very woooonderful Sonntag now and (hopefully you do not have such hangover as me right now haha ;)) xxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

Littleeeeeeee update *_*

HUHUUUUUUUU all cuties and honeys ;) 

How are u doing? ;) OMG so long no seeeeeeeeee... no post no update... but now it is time to continue my story to the next and following chapter...
I was released by the clinic on the 20th of september ;)) *_* 
Leaving Prien with one happy and one sad eye :) you know this german phrase? ;) Like on the one hand being happy to finally after nearly 7 months leaving, but on the other hand being sad about leaving back the people i truly call friends there... all those girls who helped me up again after falling and stumbling by times... having so cool evenings and memories made by the shores of the Chiemsee *_* Just to point out on those!!!!! 

So how my life will go on now? ;) Puh this all in all is/and will be a really long story....
First of all i am home in my NEW home now for a few weeks (like 4-6) and then i will go into a therapeutic commune in Munich, where i finally will learn to master the crossing between being inpatient and surviving in real life ... 

Munich here i come... so excited :D 

But first of all i am at home now, in the NEW house of my fam ;) because my mam and dad built a new, very modern house a few villages next to our old home ;) When they moved i was in the clinic, which i think was quite rather good for me, because i am such a clingy person, to all my memory pieces and would like to keep everything by my side my whole life hahah ;D 
So now since then i am really accustoming myself there and try to sort everything out, but still always remembering my learned goals against miss m... 
SO much confusion everywhere, i truly can tell you: Life is never easy, no matter where you are and with whom your spending time with :S boys,  friends, family, true friends, old friends, false friends and new ones and blablablaaaaaa.a..... :) Sooo much upcoming here in ma life and i am sometimes so confused but try to enjoy all the confuseness which i missed by feeling really nothing through anorexia .... :S 
WIsh you all a wonderful rest of the week now and a great time ;) LOOOOOVE all of you and i simply celebrate you everytime i look in my statistic of my blog :) *_* 
XOXOOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXO
ANGE

Selflove, Acceptance, Confidence, Self-esteem, are they learnable? :)

Huhuuuuuuuu Lovelies *_* 

How are u? Enjoying this hot summer (at least we have a really burning one this year=))? 

Hmmm i would say i do it partly :S because i am still in the clinic (nearly fucking 6 months now) but i try to spend my time the best way here at the lake or with some nice people/ fellow patients ;) Something which really makes me happy about this is, that these girls/and boys truly give me the feeling of being accepted and welcomed :D Because this feeling (even though for some of you this may sound strange and not comprehensibly, but for me it is not given for sure that i feel liked and accepted by some groups of "friends" (or should i rather say strangers? :

Even though we don´t know each other for so long we all come along so well and are happy for having each other 

So here in the clinic i got to know that this is not something uncommon for sufferers of anorexia or other mental illnesses... A low selfworth, self-esteem, no self love and especially no confidence or the feeling of being liked :S sounds hard doesn´t it? For me it did, because at first i couldn´t really believe that soo many of the other girls suffer from the same feeling of being not worth enough for others... being less good than my friends or getting on the nerves of the others by just being with them... 
As a result of that i always enquire wheter it TRULY is okay for the others that i am with them and ask this kind of a 10000 times.. until i really am getting on their nerves... you know what i mean? 
Because why the hell should somebody of my FRIENDS (?!) be angry with me just because i am spending time with them? This is so fucking true but i always reinsure if it really is okay being there... OMG... And i am dealing so hard with this, but it sounds understandable that i am not their problem if they feel angry for whatever reason... :) 
All of this is a sign of a low self esteem... even though i am really being talkative and babbling all the time with others, i still am thinking way too much about it afterwards and thereby.. because why can´t i simply enjoy a moment which i spend with the peoople i like? 
Puuuuh i am not getting the point in this blog entry i think... Huuuuups i am so sorry, i hope you still understand what i was trying to tell you with it :) 
YOU are NOT the problem of the bad mood of some others- YOU are welcomed in a group of people you like- and YOU are worth sooo much! And without you somebody would be missed in this big world :DDD 
*puuuuuhexhalingdeeply* So this is my word for this hot sunday evening ;) 
Wish you all a wonderful new week ;) 
xxxxxx 
Special thank to Mum and Dad who visited me today! Was such an awesome day with u <3 

OMG 40.000 READERS *_* Dankeeeee!!

Huhuuuuu all you wonderful ones :) 

Wow i truly can´t really believe it but my small little Nutella Blog reached now 40.000 readers.... this is unbelievable for me!!!!!! *

Thaaaanks soo much *_* 

Thanks a million for visiting and reading my babbling here on this page :) it means the world to me even if i seem to blog less or not so much at the moment :S I am sorry for this but i have to focus on getting this clinic done and never return again to Miss Mager... this fucking bitch ruins my life......she is awful and so clingy and i wish her to hell!!!!!

Nevertheless my mood at the moment is not sooo good here right now.. the clinic forces me to do so many things i am hardly dealing with....Not only eating, also my psychical state of mind is really down right now, because i am so long here now and hardly fighting along...
I truly can say i met so many wonderful people here, like real motivational girls (and boys=)) but also some real bitch badasses ... like they seem to focus on everyone else exept themselves, just like detectives they try to reveal some faults or problems of others.... and this in fact just to distract from their own failing :S I hate such people and i truly can say that i learned here to not just accept what they do, NO i tell them my true opinion and show them that i am annoyed of their behavior! 
So i am feeling like, i am just letting them life their lives and whyyyyy the hell can´t they leave me in peace? "Focus on your own" is something i would love to shout at them when they analyze others again and again...
Puuuuh now all my anger is out and i felt like this was sooooo needed :D so thanks for taking time to listen to my outburst of rage and also happiness for hitting the 40.000 people mark :D 

Such people you definitively have
to show the cold shoulder :) 

Okaaaay so instead of focussing on such negative shit people (*soorry for being harsh but it is just true*) i again wanna say thanks so much at those who believe and support me day by day, drama by drama :) you all are my pieces of gold and i am so glad having you in my life :) All of you know who theey are i think :) You also count to them ;) *schmatzer* (german for big fat kiss to all of 

Thanks for being here for me ;) My Dad and Me

Und wenn du mich küsst, dann ist die Welt ein bisschen weniger scheiße.. why music sometimes is the best therapy *_*

Huhuuuuuu Cuties and Smileeeeys all over :) 

The last days honestly were not very easy for me and there is a lot happening right over here... my room mate is snoooooring soooo loud and intolerable... it makes me sleep only about 3-4 hours each night and this is way too less, even for me who loves making it through the night on weekends... :( i miss this by the way as well....
But now on to this topic, having less sleep and going through therapy here is very hard for me at the moment and i am annoyed all day and i easily get peevish.....:S 
Sooo how to keep my mood anyway up again? *_* One thing i absolutely can recommend everyone is: Listen to some music!!!! No matter how you are feeling right now, if you panic, are in a fear, feel sad, are down or angry..... Some music always fits your current mood for sure! It is kind of like, if you had a breakup, you feel lonely, lost, unloved and sooo on, and then sometimes you may then feel like listen to sad soft, sorrow music which immediately helps you crying and it fits so well in this moment... or if you are more like me, i need to listen to some angry, aggressive, dancing, club music which brightens up my mood and makes me happy and smiling again... so to make me forget my anger, sadness, and all the negative feelings... you know what i 

Listening to happy music to boost my mood and feeling like a kid  on a swing 

Music always finds a way to touch your heart and helps you to deal with upcoming feelings, no matter in which way... if you are happy because something great happened, some cheerful music can make you dance out of the joy you are experiencing :) 

So no matter what life is like at the moment, turn the music up as loud as you could and feel the beat or cry to the sad lyrics :) I hope you all know what i mean by this and you are having a good time right now ;) 
Wish you all a lovely evening now and maybe you also turn the music up right now ;) 
xxx