How to deal with an eating disorder in times of CORONA? :S

Heeey you peeeps :) 

So first of all i hope you all are still well-being and not sick or ill... in times like these i think people mostly realize that the most important thing for a long and happy life is really health!!!!! what happens these days truly seems so unbelievable and surreal i can´t tell you how strange and unfamiliar the world feels for me right now... and for sure you know what i am talking about: CORONA .... 

wow at first i thought what a hype... and not realizing how serious it actually is... i don´t know how it is at your country right now at the moment, but we here in Germany, especially i can talk from Bavaria right now, have an exit restriction.. which means we need to hold a space between each other of more than 1,5 meter but still not going out at all, except supermarkets, doctors and pharmacies.... now from next monday on we will also have the advice to wear face masks in supermarket and public transport.. this feels so strange like everyone would be toxic or poisonous.. So and as well many of you may also be clinged at home in home office as well.. for me and myself i need to say i am kind of really glad to still go to work in my tax office... of course with a lot of space in between each other ;) 
But i also was at home because of an laryngitis..and nearly me and my eating disorder really got into many differences and difficulties as well... being stuck at home alone felt like a personal confrontation with my ED again...because being home made me eat more and more because i also was bored as hell and felt shocked when i realized i gained weight and my trousers for the FIRST time in my ed did not fit any more i flipped out... my parents also are keen on keeping the 1,5 meters distance and so i only had my boyfriend as a escape route and a distancing from those negative thoughts and my self hate... For sure my parents also supported me as good as they could but i felt so clinged in betweeen the new me and miss m.... she really was loud as fuck
But i moved on... the only magic word for this is ACCEPTANCE.. you can choose to not accept it and will try against it but in the end you realize this is like walking in quicksand... there is no way out ... i need to accept it that being underweight is not normal and can´t be accepted any day in my life... again...

And i also can imagine many of those persons with mental problems had hard times in these days...especially because easter came and it all did not really felt like any celebration at all :S So happy easter by the way also ;) 

So a big big applause to all of you who kept their heads up and dealt with the new situation in the best way.. you know there are ups and downs and the voices are loud and sometimes you don´t hear them.. but each day the sun rises and you will be fine... 

And well yes-.. anorexia is the death itself...sooo always keep going :)

GOOOOOOOD EVENING YOU SWEET PEOPLE ;)

Yes, it is a fact: anorexia is the mental illness with the highest death rate ... I am so stunned by this sentence again and again, no matter in which relation and how often i hear it...:S 

I think this sounds so harmful and yes i can relate to this.. how often did i not know how to go on, trapped in my own head, banned by my own thoughts and rules i made in my head... Yes, a lot of people said to me i am stupid, crazy, dumb and stubborn.. but (maybe a little bit yes) no, it is an illness and all signs are on addiction... I am soo angry on those people who just always said to me and my parents, that i should just eat a little more (or to them: don´t you see your kid is dying of starvation?) What did you all think  saying such things? And thanks yes, i knew i had to eat "just a little more" and everything would have been fine again... NO, never.... 

Nobody in my surrounding did really know how to deal with it and when this lady from the advice center at first used the word: anorexia/ Magersucht in German.. me and my mum fell from heaven and i did not believe her... But yes, i really suited on EVERY sign of this list with the symptoms... I swear i never wanted to have something like this, i think nobody does, but coming up agains such a harsh rejection of the humans in my surrounding i was shocked. ..... yes i did at this point, weighting under 40 kg not see myself right in the mirror, but how some people acted towards me was frightening and disgusting.. i am so thankful they now are NOT longer in my life! 

But enough of this, yes i lost some people, i met in the clinic or somewhere else to anorexia... it really shocked me each time hearing it killed somebody i know again.. i was sooo close to death i know how it feels being so down... no matter how their life has ended, anorexia is never worth ending a life... so in my eyes she is the death itself.. a skinny, mean horror lady walking next to a good soul (that is how i always call those lovely people i met on my way in the clinic...)

I feel so sorry for each person who lost the battle against this monster, addiction in their head...Hopefully i am over the bridge now... ;) 

Wish you all, even though this was kind of a harsh and frightened post, a wonderful evening ;) But i needed to write it, because according to some friends of mine who again and again are in different clinics... which scares me and i never wanna go anywhere down there again ;) xxooxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo 

HELLOOOOOOO 2020 lets see how you will be :D Times flies by so fast aaand Happy Nutella Day *_*

Huhuuuuuu honeys ;) 

Yes it is now already 2020 and i was right guessing in my last blog post of 2019 that i will be drunk on New Years Eve haha.. :D 
And yes it was muuuuch better than the year before :) And well for sure now it is a kind of weird feeling that a new year has begun... all the opportunities and duties it brings again.. kind of starting again from zero.. but thats just in my head i know.. it is not different in any way than it was on the 31st december... 
So why are people making up some intentions for new year? It feels like everybody wants to eat healthier or go in masses to the fitness center....?! Just wtf... I mean why at the beginning of a new year? Where is the sense? Such thoughts always bond people and as i am a person who easily gets caught in routine, this is confusing..i do not wanna start from zero each year.. i just want a whole flow from year to year month to month and day by day...

My new tattoo i made with my best friend ;)
She has a bee and i have the word HONEY ;) 

So now i already started this blog post about one month ago, it already is february and carnival has come ;) this weekend i was on my first carnival parade and realized how fast again time flew by, just living without MISS M right now fully at the moment ;) YES; i feel i totally got her at the moment ;) for sure she still is here and i feel her at some precious situations a lot, BUT all in all, i recognized i can dim her to the minimum down and ignore her ...;) yes the bad thoughts afterwards are still here, for example after a really challening meal like a typical german Zwiebelrostbraten with Käsespätze, what i ate at the birthday party of a friend ..) But i know how to deal with it and not restrict anymore again ;) 
All in all i must again say, that change is necessary to fully heal, just as this quote my therapist again and again told me says: "You can´t heal in an environment in which you got sick..." and well YES he is right ;) Never really believed this, but now i totally agree with it :) Being away from my old home and then moving in a new one.. yes it changed me and it was just the beginning of many following changes... But about this i will make another blog post again ;) Just not being in my old room again and such little things made it quiet a lot easier as i thought ;) 
Wooooow and now i wish you alsoooo a haaaaaaapppyyyyyy woorld NUTELLA DAY ;) Yes, this day always is marked in my calendar :DDDDD 
So guys, just keep eating NUTELLA and celebrate your life and this special day ;) because life is not bad always, this is just your thoughts about ;) 

Haha such a wise end of this post ;)))))))
WIsh you a wonderful night now ;)