Aaaaaah my sis is 18 :) Kiddiiiii pics of me *_*

Helloooooouuu my Sweeties :)*_*
First of all I am so sorry for being online so less, but this 3 weeks are kind of a bit stressy for me :( soooo many f*** tests :) two practical ones (basketball and little games) in sport, one in German as Foreign Language (my main subject) and yesterdaaay I did Spanish and German :) UUUUUUUff but then it waaaas PARTY TIME :-*
Hahaaa my sis is going to be 18 today and we were throwing a party for her ;) Oh it was so fun, believe me :) a little party never killed nobody.... :) haaaaa and I am fit again today :) no excuse for not eating properly ;) soooooooo I take this as a reason for telling you also that I gaaaaaained and I am so happy with it ;) never believed, but I am feeling so good and energetic at the moment :) it really pushes me that I am able to focus on my studies, which I wasn´t able last summer.... :( so sad, but now agaaaain: the only way is up!!!!! ;) I am so motivated =) 

so but actually I wanted to take this as a chance to show you some pics of me of when I was little ;)) (because a lovely reader asked for it =)) I feel so good about it ;) On those, there was not even the smallest thought of Miss Mager imaginable :) so let´s forget about her now, too :) ENJOY ;) 
So first of all this is me: (wasn´t I cute? =))


Aaaaand here you can see my whole family :) 

And especially for my sisters 18th here is a pic of us toooo ;) Happy Birthday Susi!!!! (For those who can guess: I am the BIIIIIG sister on the left :)) 

Hope you all have a Nutellarelladaaaaaay :) 

Love u xxx

Short Updaate =)

Hellooo Honeeeeeeys :)
Howwww are ya? ;) I feeeeeeel tired at the moment ;) but not in a bad way :) In some way I am happy about what the day brought to me and I managed to do everything in kind of a satisfacting manner :)
OMG *_* I think first of all,this thought makes me (and probably you too :D) smile :
You know what Miss Mager? I will beat you!!
How?
Hmmmmmmmm... Probably by having 3 slices of my faaaaaaaaaaavourite Toasts with looooads of NUTELLA yesterday and for brekkie this morning a pretzel with NUTELLA *_* heaven
-> Hihiiii I know I am talking crap :) but for me it means so much eating those things with less fear and this is how I feel at the moment, because I recognize every day again and again that I still can´t stay the way I am, because I am still too thin for my height =)

Sure there are still many many things which scare me about recovery and there are many things I have to pull together, but I try to keep up positivity, just like Izzy on her blog with her Positive Recovery Challenge ;)
Aaaaaaaaaand now I as well have to mention someone very very very special person to me who helps me so much through really every stage of recovery now:
My cuuuute hunniii Emmy Snelgrove ;) She´s from Ireland and writes an unbelievably inspiring blog, too and we chat and email a lot :) I also sent her a christmas present and she shares so many tips with me ;) We have so many funny things in common (like loving hot chocolate, Nutella, baking, .....:)) and talking to her and sharing experiences really makes me feel good ;)
I can only recommend you to read her amaaaaaazing blog (it is so much worth it :)) :    http://ganache-elf.blogspot.ie

Soo this is lovely Emmy, with my little christmas package I sent her *_*
Sooo cute 

So now what else about my weeeeeeeeeek and how I spend my days except eating Nutella :D ?
Yesterday I had my first test at uni and I hope it went quite okay and I will be able to pass the class :) strangely the subject is called "Deutsch als Zweit- und Fremdsprache", which means German as a second or foreign language :) it is my major subject on becoming teacher for primary school ;)

Okay, I don´t often post any pics of me, but this is my
carnival costume from last year and I want to look like this as soon
as possible again :) especially I miss my long hair sooo much :(

So what do you think of it? Should I maybe start cleaning your house? 

Aaaaaaaalso something I previously also wanted to write in an extra post, but now I simply put it down here, too, because now it is the time of carnival now here in Germany :)
Do you guys also celebrate it in where you live? :) Here there are loots of carnival floatings and festive occasions, where everyone masquerades and puts on all kind of costumes :) And everybody already gets drunk in the afternoon and simply having fun :) there are all kind of costumes (2 days ago me and my family visited a shop where they only sell such carnival stuff and it is so funny trying them on ;) I have two costumes this year (hihiii :D): A housemaid with a feather duster (which already has been taken away once on Saturday, when I was on a carnival party in our neighborhood -> hahaaa such a long funny story :D) and a musketeer :) So on Saturday I was on a party like this and I already again noticed it is so much important being normal and taking part in life :) Guys, I promise you, there is so much more to experience in life, than always nonstop thinking about food :) There are so many reasons to smile and you all will be able to discover them! I promise you ;)
Now off to food shopping to a really really big supermarket for buying stuff for my sisters´18th birthday on Saturday :) can´t believe she already gets 18 :) Omg, how time runs...
So no more time for Miss M!
Love you all honeys so much, and you all mean the world to me, I am so thankful for all of your support!!!
xxx

Random faaaaaaaaaacts about meeeee :)

Hihiiiiii so according to a Sunday evening boringness, I thought a loot about blogging and what to blog about :) Puuuuuh I was a bit uncreative and I would love to hear from you, in what topics you would be interested and get to know more abouuuuut :) It really would make me happy to receive some lovely ideas, so feel free to tell me whatever you are interested in :)
So and for now, because I am always so curious about you all, I thought about telling you a bit more about me :)

Here we go random and mostly funny facts about me:
- I am such a babbling girl -> means I talk to everyone about really everything :D no exceptions :D even someone is not interested, I still talk and talk and talk.... hihii :-*
- I have a little sis
- My animals have very strange names :) Bobbel, Nudley, Käza,... :D weird, isn´t it?
- In pre-ed times I loved swimming so much, but I always have been afraid of swimming in the sea, because I am kind of scared of fishes
- I also have a spider phobia
- I am NEVER in time, always late.... such a bad habit, but I simply can´t make it in time ;) hahaaa there are so many funny stories about this topic.... :D
- I love driving my caaaaaaaaaar *_*
- One of the greatest things for me in life is traveling in foreign countries ;) A dream for me would come true by doing a journey around the whole world ;)
- I have a "black" humor :)
- By reaching 46kg I will get a tattoo :) Not so sure what kind of, but just a little black lettering :) like HOPE or LOVE, a tiny little heart or a lucky clover :) <3
- All of my maths teacher hated me at school (hahaaa no idea why :D)
- I can´t stand those type of guys and boys who are like I call it: "Milchbubies, Vollpfosten, Miezis,..." in english I think they can probably be named as: cowards, softies or wimps :D
- Don´t know why, but I do not count any calories according to having some drinks in the evening on a party :) strangely it does´t matter to me then, because if I am out, I really want to have fun :) and it can sometimes be so easy having some fun with alcohol =) 
- I love making jokes about myself
-My former best friend (who has been for 7 years my best friend=)) is a badass :(

- I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE NUTELLA

New morning- New motivation

Hellooooooouuuu my sweethearts <3

After a really cozy and long night with getting (finally) enough sleep, I am toooooop motivated to start this day now!!
While struggling a lot at christmas time (especially on the festivity days :() I am now showing all my strength and power again :) At least I hope so, but I feel so good the last few days and I don´t ever feel any hate coming up at the moment :) which in my mind makes me feel more free and this makes me haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaappy :)
So what else am I motivated for? Oh yeees university started again after the holidays and I have to study sooooooo much at the moment to make it through all of my 7 tests in only two weeks at the end of january and the beginning of february :( and for this I need to have a clear and clean mind, without Miss Mager pressuring me and makes me think about eating and food :( NO, I momentaneously have to focus on learning and on passing those tests, as well as living a normal and happy life, the way I really want to have it :) because going out on parties, meeting with friends, chattering, smiling and simply having fun is so much worth getting healthy!!!! :) There really is nothing which Miss Mager offers me in comparison to those things in life, which you only are able to do if you are at a normal weight and have enough power! :) That´s the reason why: MOTIVATION UP my dears!!!!!!!!! :D

Studying with my coffee mug:
"After university I am going to be a princess"
My new motto :D hahaa

So even though I today have a day full of learning and studying in front of me, I still stay positive about all my life, because I want to have it back and do my studies and pass them well ;)
Hope you are all  having a good day, I wish it so much for you :) what are you doing? what are your plans :) huuuups curious me again, soooorry..... :D hihiii
xxx

Exactly for new years time: How did I actually became ill? :(

Sooo sorry my Sweeties for my absence the last few days ;) :-*

but according to the new year (I am always a little bit sentimental then:D) I had to think about sooo many different things and changes in my life, that I simply hadn´t any idea of what to write about :) and the internet also didn´t work in any form unfortunately:() Of course there was so much to remember from last year and all this f** year brought to me, but also what positive changes it made and what new people I was able to get to know or what doors and chapters closed behind me :) 
So I made for example so many new exciting experiences in friend- and relationships, but also lost some of my closest ones, like my best friend and old friends from school :) 
Buuuut I also now see all of the thoughts I made the last days as an opportunity to tell you a little bit more about how and why I actually think I became ill and slipped into all that shit which happened last yeaaaar... :( 
Actually I wanted to do this earlier on my blog already, because I want you all to get to know me in detail and in an honest and real way :) You all support me so much, so I want to share my thoughts with you :)

Like I think I already mentioned in one of my earlier posts (not quite sure when, but at the beginning of my blog=)) I have always been a girl who wanted to make everything right for some- or anybody ;) I always wanted that everyone is okay or pleased with me ;) what a stupid wish :D
So as well as being this I always have been a little bit a more curvy girl, not fat in some way, but I was more than most of the other girls of my class at school ;) and probably also in my surrounding :) At least I thought I was.... and I think at my highest point of weighting 76kg at a height of 1,70/1,71m  I probably really was curvier than many other girls :) but now looking objectively at the pics I think it was more than my body and shape which let me slip into Miss Mager´s trap... :(

Most of all everything started as previously mentioned with this diet called Metabolic Balance, which I started together with my family =)
At this one you start to have three meals every day which consist mostly of fruits and vegetables and one slice of bread for lunch and dinner and ALWAYS one protein ;) this in general means like you have milk for breakfast, meat for lunch and at the evening you put ham or cheese on top of your salad ;) not very complicated, but it worked and I changed my whole eating habits :) of course this at all sounds not bad, and I am sure what I ate was healthy, but I slowly started to radicalize it...........
And this was the mistake I made...

Me in my carnival costume :)
If I remember right, I felt very confident in it
(February 2014)
Now I know I already was so ill...

I recognized that getting thinner at first brought me many compliments and sentences like "woow, you lost some weight, looks good" or the attention of strangers :) I felt good at my body, and I foolishly thought this was due to the falling number on the scale :( I missed the point of stopping the weight loss and got more and more radical in cutting myself down :( means that I more and more cheated the food away and lied to my family relating to the meals we shared :( really sick in my opinion now.... but I could´t stop and slipped into this sooo deep.... :( I also lied to many other beloved people and now I am so sorry for doing this, and I hope so much they all know that I didn ´t do this with any bad intention :( 

It was so fabulous *_*

My 18th :-*

So this all happened in the time period from February 2013 to May 2014 when I officially was declared with anorexia :( In between there were so many great events in my life, which I would never want to miss, but now have to look at with the hint of a bitter taste :( I for example made my Abitur in June 2013, travelled with my girls to Ibiza, with my family to the US Westcoast (*_*), celebrated my 18th birthday, started University, going to bars and clubs and student parties, carnival, visited Ireland and simply enjoyed an amazing year with many great moments:) and next to all of this I radically starved myself in eating less and less and got colder and colder :( 

So while in Ibiza and USA (in July/August 2013) I still weighted 64kg, I already weighted less than 52 kg at christmas the same year :( all this happened so fast and in March at my birthday I was down to less than 45kg :( 
In the end (and this really sounds so horrible:() -> before my parents kept pulling me out of this, I only ate this:

This is what a typical lunch or dinner looked like :( only veggies :(

Breakfast: 5 raspberries (which were sweetened with sweetener) in unsweetened almond milk 
(I pretended and leaded my parents believe that I put oatmeal in it, but I always lied -> I not at all ate one flake=() 
Lunch: Salad with cucumber, cabbage, tomato and carrot :( I lied about the dressing and also prepared one with sweetener and without any form of oil
Dinner: The same as lunch (in an earlier stage I kept eating some cottage cheese or fat free cream cheese, but later I also left any protein in my plate -> carbs were no-go! 
Soooo this actually was my everyday eating process :( and I didn´t show any will or insight to change these wrong behaviors :( 

Then in March my family and I went to a spa and wellness center, where my dad was shocked to see me in bikini... Of course during all the winter time you can´t see all the rips and bones standing out that much, because you wear warm, wooly and large clothes :( He and also my mum became so worried about me, that they tried out really EVERYTHING to get me eating again =) So thankful for all of this....
But I refused any and every help, I still kept cheating and was so stupid :( I did so many ill things and regret ALL of them :( Some of my weirdest habits were for example: 
- Changing the content of bottles -> only "light" products :( instead of juice or soda :) 
-Replacing the content of a tuna tin :( it was with tomato sauce and I picked the fish out and replaced it by pureed tomatoes :( 
-Also I hided food in my jacket, sleeve, bag, kitchen towel, ....the strangest and weirdest places :( OMG thinking about this all feels so shaming for me, I am so so sorry..... :(


I hooooope all of you my lovelies and sweeties, warriors and fighters, friends and strangers are doing well and I would love to get to know your opinion of this post, because it really was sort of hard to write all this stuff from my head down and share it with you :) all those weird and crazy things I did.... :( I feel so ashamed for this so, thaaaaaaank you in advance, I LOVE U!!! :-*

Soo keep being strong and only look forward, recovery will be so worth it, because you are worth living a healthy and beautiful life :) always remember that and never fall into the trap of the open arms of an ED :( 
xxx