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Thursday, May 24, 2018

Anorexia is not an emotional crack, it is a serious illness...

Huuuhuu you Cuties :) 
Wow already May and springtime again... the sun comes out and all people slowly start to get into summer mood ... all but not me...
Hm so to be open and honest with you all, i was not doing the best according to battling Miss Mager in the last year.. which does not mean i didn't try to battle her or let her in again, but i was dealing hard in my everyday situation and with work and stress at school i wasn't able to eat enough and started to fall for bad behavior again and again... the stress really knocked me out and gave in.... so all in all this meant for me starting the fight against her again and i signed in the Schön Klinik again... :( 
And then one day i finally got the call that i can come to the clinic at the shores of the Chiemsee again :S Confusing, but rescuing once again... For me this really feels like such a shame admitting i have to go inpatient again battling this fucking illness once for all...
But learning and seeing it is no shame rather strength and willpower made me at first confused but now it slowly makes me see how right they are... a mental illness is no shame, it is a serious diagnostical illness and you need to have extreme discipline and endurance to finally win the battle against it! I hope so much i now have enough of these....

This time some things now are different than the last time, i am now in a bedroom with two other girls :D which at first totally confused me, but now i am so glad not to be alone so much time :D Loneliness feeds Miss M....And i have a new therapist and of course all the new girls and at the moment :) so many new faces, stories, and problems ... but some of them are like real angels and friends for me :) so lovely and supporting that i almost cannot believe it sometimes :) It always impresses me so much, what wonderful people are out there, so something i absolutely can say is: Come out of your little bubble at home and open up to new faces, this can make you feel so loved and acknowledged :) Believe me, support is the A and O in recovery and some of these people here are like real treasures for me now :) Thanks to all of you :) Those who i mean know for sure who they are :) xxxxx 

But for sure i won´t forget to mention the support i receive from you at home :) My family, friends, relatives :) Thanks for always being here, don´t know where i would be without you ;) Who listens to my crying, gives me a hug and calls me if i am down? You ! Danke :) 
I am so thankful for having you :) 

So i will keep my head up here the best i can and press thumbs for me that i can make it through all this shit :) 
Lots of love and if you feel like it, i would be happy to receive a message of you :) xxxx 

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Feelings and other emotional stuff :D

Huuuuhu all you :) 

Cuuuurrently my life is kind of an up and down on emotions and feelings..... please don´t ask any more in detail :D But do you also know those moments when you feel worthless, lost, redundant and just getting on everybody else´s nerves? :S
Not a nice feeling right?!
Sometimes i wish i would think less and
just seize the moment
But somehow staying with these bad thoughts is not a real option, otherwise you will live a life full of sadness and even depression maybe..
So the last few times i felt like this, I simply asked the people i spent my time with, if my feelings are true and i am really not welcomed at their „group“ or circle of friends… And i truly was a little bit stunned about the answer, because it always was so much more positive than i thought... and the most interesting thing about it was, that the people really looked so confused about me asking them something like this, because they haven´t thought i felt this way that i am not welcomed at their surrounding… 
I often felt like the little chicken at school days.... 
Aaaand the most common answer is nowadays when i ask my friends: If you are asking this question (wheter i am getting on their nerves :D) one more time i will get angry/then i truly will be enerved :D So my reinsure was getting on their nerves and not me as a person...
Some people truly wanna spend time with us, and this is something i
still have to learn and find out for myself :) 

Hmmm so why do i feel like this? 
Low self-esteem? Maybe, but more reasonable is the fact that in school times i so often was excluded by others :S unconsciously or not, but i definitively not got included or invited to be part of their activities… 
Of course there were times i truly felt accepted and welcomed at some circle of friends, but for example if there was one place too less i immediately got kicked out… 

When i realized this fact i obviously saw some things which happened in the last years more clear and with the right thoughts…. Also related to my illness... so this disqualification made me feel less self worth and withdrawn... Letting this uncertainty behind me was a big step outside, but inside the world of M ....I got more self-confident by loosing weight, but lost control about my life at the same time slipping into all of these fucking ill thoughts...

Okay okay enough confusion for today now... and i know many of the things i wrote here sounds incomprehensible in many ways, but these are just kind of my emotions and ways of thinking.... So sorry for much Gedankenwirrwarr :DDDD
Wish you all a successful new week and a good start into May :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Saturday, March 31, 2018

It´s ma birthday *_* and easter :DDD

Huhuuuuuu all you lovely ones :) 
how is the day? :) Are you all doing fine? :) I hope sooo :) 

On the 29th maaaarch was kinda a very special day for me :) It was my 23rd biiiirthday *_* Cheers to this :D 
I received some sooooo cute goods ;) Like some bluetooth over-ear headphones in rose gold and they work awesome :) Listening to good music can make you feel so much better even in worse times... :) And at this topic, I know what i am talking about :S Oh and also i got some wonderful pretty bracelets :) one in silver glitter and the other one also in rose which has engraved the saying : " Wherever your heart leads you" so gorgeous isn´t it? :D 
Oh i was so happy receiving so many wonderful birthday wishes from so many beloved people, this absolutely made my day :) Haha i also got a bunch of flowers which looks so pretty and just looking at it makes you feel better and more happy :) 

Soooo and now what else is on right now? Tomorrow is the 1st of april and this as well means Easter Sunday this year :) Do you celebrate easter in a special way? :) Do you also color eggs and bake some lambs ? =) Or do you have any other traditions which are important for you ? =) 
Sooooo for my next post i am still searching for some strategies of learning of how to deal with fear :( because this is a topic which really bothers me at the moment :) because getting rid of Miss Mager, makes some fears show up, which kind of seem very hard for me to deal with :) so if you know any good strategies, pleeeeease let me know ;)
So much for now, i wish everyone of you a nice and wonderful easter celebration with your beloved ones and simply a great time searching easter bunnies and eggs :) xxxxx
Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Easter, the weather and other aches :S #the flu

Huhuuuuu my Bunnies :) 
Easter is coming faster and faster :D Haha no really i am not at all in any easter mood at all.... but no matter, for me it does not mean too much :) the only thing this year is, my birthday is 3 days before easter sunday so on Gründonnerstag this year :) (i googled it and in english it is called Maundy Thursday :D cool appellation) So this will be the only celebration thing for me i think mostly :) buuuut all the easter bunnies and chicken look so cute always :) 

Alsooo SPRING is kicking in here in Germany :) 2 weeks ago it was so fucking freezing, with like -22°C and now yesterday it was lovely with +17°C :) What a nice change :) 

Sooooo what is your favorite time of the year ? Is it the snowy and cold winter, with the beautiful snow layered landscape or more the warm, hot summer days and nights, you could spend outside in the sun? Or are you more the kind of person who loves when the nature comes back to life in spring after the long winter months? With all the snowdrops and daffodils creeping out of the ground just like now these days? :) Puuuh for me all i can definitively say is that i am not a kind of autumn person... For sure those golden autumn days with all the sprinkled and coloured leaves on the trees and the ground look just stunning and beautiful in the sun, but on those rainy, dusty (typical german :D) days in autumn all my mood goes down and i hate such weather :) But this is just me :) I love the nature right now and i llooooooooove and adore those hot summer days and nights when you could sit outside and enjoy the warmth :) 

Soooo now also i can add here, that i normally enjoy winter as well, with all the snow and the landscape glittering in the sun :) buuuuuuut 2 weeks ago the flu hit me so hard and i felt soooo sick :( haven't felt that bad since aaaaaages :( like i got everything at the same time: fever, headache, earache, sinus infection, baaaaaad coughs and sneezing all the time :( sooooooo obstinately :(S luckily this is over now i hope for a longer time now :) 
Wish you all a lovely week now honeys :) xxxxxxx
Saturday, February 10, 2018

Carniiiival Time In Germany :) oder Faaaasching *_*

Helloooohelooooo hello again ;) 
So how is your 2018 going so far? =) Having some good or rather bad days? :) Hmmmm my days actually can be all in all seen neither the one nor the other.... Sooo should i start with the bad news? :) Okay so here we go... my cousin, who only is 12 years old was found out having leukemia and this all hit us very hard and we all hope he soon will be well again.... and this year things will also change for me again and i made the decision of again going into the clinic in which i was 2015/2016 for all in all winning this damn battle against anorexia..Lets see when the journey begins... 
my own creation which i made at my creative lesson :) 
Me and some friends at a faschingsball :D 

Hard words -hard meaning and so you may all are asking yourself, what so far went good for her in 2018? Hmmmmm there still are some things which make me hope for the future and having a nice life !!!!! In 2018 my family is moving to another village and my parents are building a house there, which looks so modern, comfy and wonderful!! Can´t believe it will be part of my future :) And also i still enjoy my job and even though taking a break from going to school, i will be able to finish it and stick to it! :) thanks to my employer :) Sooo and for my private life there also still is hope and i feel so great right now having such a fun time in Fasching :) celebrating, drinking, and doing stupid funny unreal things i totally enjoy soooo much :) Like getting dressed up and smiling, laughing, kissing, faking and sooo on... (Haha i know i am not a saint according to this topic)

I think a year ago or something i already wrote a blog about this topic carnival here in Bavaria, so this year it nearly is the same and i totally loooooove it and enjoying the simple moment is so much cooler than overhinking everything and think about those fucking things from the beginning of this post..... right? For sure! :) 

Oh and now a positive pic at the end: It finally snowed here sooo beautiful ;) even though it is cold, it looks so beautiful :) Thanks for still reading my blog it means the world to me xxx
Thursday, January 18, 2018

Welcome in 2018 :) what will it offer? :) or take?.........

Huhuuuu Cuties :) 

WELCOME IN 2018 *openingupabottleofsparklingwine* 
I wish you a wonderful enjoyable new year with lots of hopefully great memories and experiences you wanna remember :) For myself this upcoming year will for sure not become an easy one .... In the progress you all for sure will notice why... I made some decisions which will be necessary to say completely goodbye to my illness...But more later :DD 

Soooo my therapist asked me today something really really confusing or worth thinking about :S She said, where do you see yourself in two years from now? :) When all that fuck with illness and feeling sad is over? Do you have a perspective in life? :) WOW and that truly hit me .... and you know why? ;) Because i absolutely had no idea of what to answer!!!!!! :) 

Where do i see myself? Hmmm.... this made me think so much and now i for sure know one thing: Getting out of my daily routine and live for a episode of time in another country :) And for sure, i want to have finished my apprenticeship :) successfully!!!! 
But also i am relatively sure i won´t work as a tax assistant my whole life or even afterwards the whole time ;) I just wanna have a not too confusing, difficult job, which offers me an interesting work surrounding and some diversity :) And a funny dream since my childhood is to work in a cafe or a bar or a restaurant as a service girl ;) Especially just a small cute vintage cafe in a big city would be some childhood dream ;) Haha when i was little i also always wanted to become postman :) Loved to bring letters to the receiver :DDDDD 
Did you also have some childhood faves? :D Just asking because i also wanted to become a princess ;) but this for sure is a typical girl thing right?
Me and my mum picking up Papas new audi in Ingolstadt :)
Wow what an experience i can tell you 
Wish you all now a great time :) Make the best out of it ;) I know you can and never forget what dreams you have every day okay :) xxxxxx Love ya
Saturday, December 23, 2017

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jiiiingle all the Way :) *_*

Advent advent, ein Lichtlein brennt. Erst eins, dann zwei, dann drei, dann vier, dann steht das Christkind vor der Tür :) 

A German, lets say poem for the holy time of the year: the Advent :) (I just recognized i do not really know a proper english word for it actually, just christmas time?!) 

These are the cookies we baked:
Schoko Crossies, Spitzbuben,
Guinness-Cookies, Vanillekipferl
Sooo tomorrow there already is the day: Christmas/Holy Eve *_* When i was a little girl this meant something sooo special for me, but honestly i must say this year i am not too much in christmas mood ;) For sure i looooove looking for presents and making them to my beloved ones, and all the shiny bright christmas lights everywhere ;) this just makes this time of the year so special and wonderful ;) I just hope that all in all everything will go on well next year and i can have some peaceful, calm and enjoying days with my family and friends ;) <3 they mean the world to me and after this year again i can truly say i am so happy to have them always by my side :) Danke :) <3 

So how are you spending the Holy Eve this year? With your family or partner, friends, or hopefully not alone? :) I just wish you all the best for this season and what did you do in the past 4 weeks? Celebrate Advent as well?
Here in Germany we enjoy going on Christmas markets, spend time together at Weihnachtsfeiern and bake Plätzchen and cookies :) 
Our Kitchen and living room are decorated a lot this time again ;) 

So for example i went to the Augsburger Christkindlsmarkt this year and also to smaller ones around here in the villages :) Also we light each Sunday in Advent our Christmas Wreath with the four candles for counting the weeks till Christmas Day :) 

Sooo and now i wish you all (No matter in which way you celebrate this special time:)) a wonderful, holy christmas celebration with many laughters, smiles and just a great time ;) Lots of love to all of you ;) xxxxxx