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Thursday, April 30, 2015

Hospiiiiiiital :(

Goooooooood gooooood evening my Loveliiiiiiiiiiies :-*

This is not such a good one for me as for you I suppose, or rather I hope it is better where you are than where I am :(
Currently I am since Monday in hospital :( But don´t worry my cuuuuuties, it definitively is not because of Miss Mager or that I habe lost aaaany battle against her or my ED....
NO!! I am here because I have kind of a thrombosis, which is a local coagulation or clotting of blood in the veins of my left eye...but they don´t find any reason why I got this :) so hopefully I will get out of here as soon as possible :( I hate hospitals and I never would have thought it goes so fast getting into one :( because it all started with the simple fact, that when I woke up on Friday morning I saw a tiny black point in my left eye and everywhere I looked it still didn´t disappear and there also was kind of a little bit of fog in there....... So on Monday I went to the oculist to make a check up and he told me to go to hospital :( and this is where I am now.... :( shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit---)

But okay let´s make the best out of it, baaaaaaaaattle Miss Mager by showing her that I never ever want to go to an ED clinic as well, so eating now is the only chance I got ;) and I tell you my honeybees my snacks and my meals are the only pleasure things I have in here now at the moment ;) aaaaaaah and of course my rays of hope is my family ;) Oh I am so thankful for them believe me :) I would´t know how to manage all the chaos in my head without them ;) Thaaaanks Mummy and Daddy, and Susi as well and all the other lovely people who wrote me messages or visit me :) you all mean the world to me :) Miss you so much and hopefully I will be out here again soooooooon :) Just wanted to keep you all updated ;)
Love u and I promise to stay strong ;) for my ass and my booty :)
Monday, April 27, 2015

Little updateeee on my fear food list ;)

Helloooooooo again my honey cutie pies ;)
I hope you are having a great and probably relaaaaxed Suunday today :)
I really do have and so I decided on actualizing my blog a little bit, because I saw I haven´t updated my FEAR FOOD LIST for a while now... I am so sorry for that, if you may noticed it:)

So to tell you the fully truth: working on this list for oneself is one absolutely necessary process in recovery in my opinion. Without facing those you in all honesty write down for yourself you won´t be able to fully heal from your ED :) because as long as there is this real "fear" in your head of a certain product or yummmmmmyyummmy thing, you never will develop a normal style of eating again ;)
I mean of course recovery consists on the one hand on gaining weight and having a healthy body again, but on the other hand, the mental progress mustn´ t be forgotten, because otherwise you will never fully be able to let Miss Mager go and be free in your thoughts and mind :) So for me, both has to completely match into each other and go hand in hand ;)
Since the last year now I really worked so hard on this f***-list, which I created for myself and also shared it here :) By times you realize how easy some of those are to eat now and you notice that you eat them every day now like especially chocolate for example ;)
This may somehow at first seems strange to oneself, but by trying to become normal again is crossing them out and then one day forgetting about them and the whole list =) I mean it definitively is necessary and helpful in recovery, but afterwards being a normal girl again this isn´t needed anymore ;)

I can proudly say I don´t have very much on it now anymore, because I feel able to nearly try out everything, my problem in recovery now is more to put spot and focus on gaining weight, because my BMI is still too low and I as well don´t look healthy :( which always frustrates me very much by the way............. : 

so here we go: my NEW FEAR FOOD LIST
From April 27th 2015

  • Nussecke
  • Streuseltaler
  • Nougatring (which are a special things from the German bakery =)) 
  • Ben & Jerrys (I don´t know if it really is a fear of trying it, but I simply never did, because it is d to know how much of it to eat out of such a pint ;))
  • McWrap or any bigger Burger at Mc Donald´s 
  • Apple or any other Fruit Crumble
  • A real Ice Cream Sundae at an Ice Cream Shop

This is just an overview and I am working at it as fast as I can

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Everyone is different and this in a good way ;) baaaaaaaabbling thoughts on :)

Heeeeeeey my lovely peeeeeeps ;)

I hope you are all doing well at the moment and just having a not too stressful time after the easter days and so on.... ;) 
I started as I already mentioned my university courses again and had sooo much to organize to choose the right ones I need to join and get into the list of them ;)
Buuuut puh I can absolutely tell you I love the atmosphere of being at the university, it has such a special character and charm =) all the coooooompletely different people from all over the world and cultures ;) Nobody looks like another one and this is such a lifetime experience getting to know so many of them in all the different classes and courses ;) Especially in my major subject (German as a second language) there are foreigners from really EVERYWHERE ;) and as you maybe know me now good enough, because I love getting in contact with you all from over the world, I also enjoy getting in touch with them as well and ask them so many many random questions :) but this is so much fun for me ;) This comes also from the fact that I nearly always fall of my chair or feel exuberant joy when I have a look at the statistics from my blog and see who from which different wonderful country stopped by and visited my personal corner :) 

So really every page view honestly means so much to me and I am so thankful for all of your support ;) 
I simply am a person, who loves to meet new and exciting people and gets interested in the huuuuuge variety of all the different cultures ;) everyone is special and no one is the same :)
Isn´t it the same in life as well? ;) 

Oh uuuups I think this was a little bit of a random ramble post, but I didn´t really know what to write =) and this is life at the moment ;) SO I would be so happy to get some topic suggestions or ideas of what I could write about =) Or I would love you to comment on what you would be interested in me writing about ;) 
Hahaaa thaaaaaaanks in advance my lovely honeeeey and cutiepiiiiiiies *_* love u all and looking forward to hear from u ;) 
Friday, April 17, 2015

What about Motto days? =)

Helloooouhellooooou my Sweeties ;) 

Hopefully my blog doesn´t gets boring for youuuuuu... and I am so sorry for not posting so much at the moment, but I have to organize so much for Uni and also myself and all of my thoughts as I feel my relation according towards food is in a steady process of changing ;) hopefully in a good manner, but I feel so positive at the moment and so should you, too ;) you are all worth living a healthy and free life without consequently worries about food and calories ;) 

So today I thought about writing a little bit about how I keep myself motivated ;) but this shouldn´t only get an advice post, because as you all know me now I am a bit crazy by times ;) soooo how do I keep my head up on days I do not at all feel like eating properly? ;)
I do "MOTTO" days ;) hahaaaaa*_*
Okaaay what to understand about this? On some days I simply decide to choose certain types of food instead of the huge variety food actually offers ;) of course you shouldn´t take this too seriously, I just enjoy doing it by times ;) 
So like on one day I decide to do a "nut/peanut" day or a "fruit"day, a "chocolate"day, a "nutella"day (of course, because I am the Nutella girl :Dhihiiii) 
So on the nut day I put for example peanut butter on my toast in the morning and as a snack I have a snickers with nuts in it =) also it could be possible that in the afternoon I as well choose for example a quest bar with peanut butter taste or cookies with nuts ;) 
On the fruity day for example I put butter and jelly on my toast and as a snack I choose a rice pudding with plum jam or applesauce ;) and in the afternoon for example some cookies with jam or a bar with a fruity filling ;) 
Buuuuuuuut the days I love the most are my "Chocolate days" hahaaaa *_* I am such an addict to chocolate ;) on those days I of course have Nutella on my toast in the morning and as a snack a mars, duple, kitkat, snickers, surprise egg,...........a simply chocolatey bar ;) and in the afternoon some milka oreo chocolate or another chocolate ;) soooooomething which absolutely has to have a lot of chocolate in it ;) OMG how I love such days ;) I mean of course this isn´t healthy, but food is my medicine and the more calories it contains the better and faster it works ;) 

So what do you guys think about my motto days? =) could you as well imagine that something like this pushes your mood for staying motivated in your recovery ? =) I would love to hear from you my Darlings ;) 
Sending you all so much love

Monday, April 13, 2015

Moooooonday Motivation :)

Goooood aaaafternoon my loveliiiies :)

Today I just thought about motivating you a little bit for the upcoming week, because today I also could have had this in need ;) 
Uniiiii started again :( don´t really know how to feel about it in general, but I made the best out of my day there  :) Eating is going to be a little bit more flexibel this week, because I have a new time/term paper and I will have to rearrange my habits with it :) buuuuuut never loose positivity ;) I am sure I will be able to manage it ;) I feel positive about it ;) I simply have to ;) 
So today I had my lunch already at 10.30, because I wanted to eat it with mum and my snack at nearly one o´clock ;) soooo happy I made it ;) 
I know some of you may think this is weird, that I am proud of having eaten it on my own and especially at this time, but for being a girl at uni, I have to be NORMAL and it felt so normal doing it this way and being more flexibel with my eating habits :) 
Hihiiii so proud girl over here :) Hahaa I am sorry, but as you already might have figured out I am a bit crazy by times :D 
So I wish all of you a great and sunny time (hahaaaaa spring starts finally to come in ;)) I am such a fan of the weather getting warmer and better ;) 

Seiiiiiiiiize the day and make the best out of it :) *_*

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Inspirational persons :)

Halliiiiihallöööööchen my deeeeeear and lovely reeeeaders :-*
So I today decided as well I might write a bit about the most inspirational persons for me who also help me so much to keep my motivation in recovery constantly going ;) Some persons like those are absolutely needed for everyone I think who is struggling :) so think about those for yourself, this can be so much helpful by times, for example if you are feeling down or not seeing any sense in life anymore :) Have a look of all the different things they probably achieved and reached according to any unspecific topic and also always remember for yourself why you started :) Maybe you also want to share them with me? ;) I as the cuuuuurious girl would be so interested in getting to know them :) 
Sooo here are a few of mine *_*: 

    • My Mum and my Dad =) I think I really can say that I am so proud and sosososososososososossoso unbelievably thankful for having them in my life and supporting me :) because who would know where I would be now if they didn´t make me and still make me stop restricting and hiding food and eating regularly :) They really saved my life and putted my health first and totally changed their life once again for being here for me and eating with me and helping me cope with all the emotions and feelings :) even though this may be one of the hardest things in their life, they still didn´t give up on me, even in my worst stage :) this feels so incredibly for me and I can´t believe how strong they are fighting for me :) I also have to tell you according to this a very inspirational story: My mum and my dad both used to smoke for ages before I was born and you all know how hard it can be getting rid of something like an addiction ;) like the addiction or striving for being thin or being addicted to nicotine and smoking cigarettes :( it is such a harmful process too and my mam wasn´t able to stop it (even though she tried it more than one time :()until she got pregnant with ME :) her doctor told her she should imagine herself sitting at a table and puffs smoke into the face of her little girl :( THIS my deeeeears made her turn ;) she finally by her own willpower fought against her addiction and overcame it ;) FOR ME ;) the person who now is starving herself for only being thin=( is this worth it? :) 
    • People who were able to beat an illness or an addiction ;) I think those people can be role models for nearly everyone of us, because they show us how much we are able to reach by fighting for our goals and having enough willpower to overcome their obsessions :) It is so much amazing what many of them reached and you can as well become such an idol for someone if you only fight and keep on battling this stupid voice in your head ;) Some people according to this are for myself personally: Izzy from "A Life without Anorexia", Emmy from "My Cocoa Stained Apron", Olivia from "Free of An Eating Disorder", and so many more of you ;) You all are such inspirations for me and have to be sosoooo proud of how far you came and how much you reached :) 
    • Successful people =) in general, who reached something in their lives ;) Like in job or realizing their dreams
    • Some of my friends who are always here for me even if I sometimes acted like a failure towards them: I think it also shows strength to forgive others and their mistakes ;) not everybody really is able to do so, so I think this is really amazing =)
    •  Wooow, it really isn´t that easy as I thought naming persons which inspire me.....but I think I mentioned some of the most important for me in my recovery on the way of becoming healthy again ;)