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Sunday, April 29, 2018

Feelings and other emotional stuff :D

Huuuuhu all you :) 

Cuuuurrently my life is kind of an up and down on emotions and feelings..... please don´t ask any more in detail :D But do you also know those moments when you feel worthless, lost, redundant and just getting on everybody else´s nerves? :S
Not a nice feeling right?!
Sometimes i wish i would think less and
just seize the moment
But somehow staying with these bad thoughts is not a real option, otherwise you will live a life full of sadness and even depression maybe..
So the last few times i felt like this, I simply asked the people i spent my time with, if my feelings are true and i am really not welcomed at their „group“ or circle of friends… And i truly was a little bit stunned about the answer, because it always was so much more positive than i thought... and the most interesting thing about it was, that the people really looked so confused about me asking them something like this, because they haven´t thought i felt this way that i am not welcomed at their surrounding… 
I often felt like the little chicken at school days.... 
Aaaand the most common answer is nowadays when i ask my friends: If you are asking this question (wheter i am getting on their nerves :D) one more time i will get angry/then i truly will be enerved :D So my reinsure was getting on their nerves and not me as a person...
Some people truly wanna spend time with us, and this is something i
still have to learn and find out for myself :) 

Hmmm so why do i feel like this? 
Low self-esteem? Maybe, but more reasonable is the fact that in school times i so often was excluded by others :S unconsciously or not, but i definitively not got included or invited to be part of their activities… 
Of course there were times i truly felt accepted and welcomed at some circle of friends, but for example if there was one place too less i immediately got kicked out… 

When i realized this fact i obviously saw some things which happened in the last years more clear and with the right thoughts…. Also related to my illness... so this disqualification made me feel less self worth and withdrawn... Letting this uncertainty behind me was a big step outside, but inside the world of M ....I got more self-confident by loosing weight, but lost control about my life at the same time slipping into all of these fucking ill thoughts...

Okay okay enough confusion for today now... and i know many of the things i wrote here sounds incomprehensible in many ways, but these are just kind of my emotions and ways of thinking.... So sorry for much Gedankenwirrwarr :DDDD
Wish you all a successful new week and a good start into May :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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