Huhuuuuuu :)

Hoooooneys ;)
Strange strange world all in all together.......
Don´t really know what to think about it at the moment.....
Sometimes I feel so lonely with myself and don´t even know why this is the case....

Being here in the clinic show me so many many important things in life, which I didn´t really appreciate in the past and took for normal....
Just such simple things like going into a supermarket with my Mama or driving a bit around and just enjoying the surrounding :S Now it feels like they took all of this away from me, without even asking for permission.... So many new rules, which they force me to live after, but taking away my preferences..... 
I know complaining about it, does not change anything about it and I am the only person who can make myself get out of these rules and boundings!!!! I have to give full speed to gain back my whole life again and not remain where I am now :) 

Hahaa this actually should be a motivational post, but again I digress from the topic :) UUUUUPS :) 
So to keep you updated: I slowly settled in here now and I truly met some so lovely and nice people, who support and motivate me again and again ;) so thanks for those :) 

But I definitively have to admit (to myself and also all of you:)) this is the hardest and most emotional time of my whole life so far!!! I don´t know how to express it in another way, but all the confrontations with the complexity of my eating disorder and Miss Mager in general, needs all my power and energy :) I never experienced so many crashing emotions every day again and again and I truly can tell you, if I know still would not want to get healthy and rid of this beast, I already would have broke up my stay :S but I feel I can let changes in and this is what I want now!!!!!!!! 

So you may all wander what my days here in the clinic look like? 
Oh yes I have many many free and boring time :S but this is typical :( So every morning I get weighted here, then there is breakfast and on the mornings sometimes group or individual therapy :) also there are so many medical checks each day, like ecg or blood checks :) I also got such a cold the whole last week :( this felt so bad, like coughing all the time and having such a headache :S I haven´t got something like this since about the last 2 years! But the doctors told me it is a good sign, that my body reacts to its surroundings :S 
Afterwards at noon, we have lunch, for which I already now have to eat 150% of the normal portion to gain :S this is something which truly confuses me each day again, but I now see it really is necessary :) At the afternoon I also have a lot of free time, sometimes a few little matches, but nothing truly special :) sooooo boring sometimes :S at 6pm we have dinner and afterwards I often spend some more time with other girls here, like playing cards or watching a movie :) to distract ourselves a little bit..... :) I also often call with my family, which supports and helps me so so unbelievably much!!!!!! They truly are my biggest and most motivating backing!!! :) they absolutely mean the world to me :) 
Today the weather is so so lovely and autumnly here, so I and another girl took a few steps to walk down to the lake, which just is a few meters away from the clinic :) and I absolutely enjoyed the great weather, the sun, the fresh air and the surroundings :) this truly distracts myself as well :) 

And today I now get some visiiiiitors :) two girls who I know from college, visit meeee :) Oh I am so excited, but happy :)and tomooooorrow finally my Papa also comes to spend some niiiiiiiice time with me :) *_* I am always looking so much forward to this 
So my hunnybeeeeeeeees ;) I love u all so much and I hope I do not bore you with my posts here from the clinic :) are there any topics you wanna get to know more about? ;) I would love to hear from yooooooooou :-* 
xxxx <3 Have a great day