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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Exactly for new years time: How did I actually became ill? :(

Sooo sorry my Sweeties for my absence the last few days ;) :-*

but according to the new year (I am always a little bit sentimental then:D) I had to think about sooo many different things and changes in my life, that I simply hadn´t any idea of what to write about :) and the internet also didn´t work in any form unfortunately:() Of course there was so much to remember from last year and all this f** year brought to me, but also what positive changes it made and what new people I was able to get to know or what doors and chapters closed behind me :) 
So I made for example so many new exciting experiences in friend- and relationships, but also lost some of my closest ones, like my best friend and old friends from school :) 
Buuuut I also now see all of the thoughts I made the last days as an opportunity to tell you a little bit more about how and why I actually think I became ill and slipped into all that shit which happened last yeaaaar... :( 
Actually I wanted to do this earlier on my blog already, because I want you all to get to know me in detail and in an honest and real way :) You all support me so much, so I want to share my thoughts with you :)

Like I think I already mentioned in one of my earlier posts (not quite sure when, but at the beginning of my blog=)) I have always been a girl who wanted to make everything right for some- or anybody ;) I always wanted that everyone is okay or pleased with me ;) what a stupid wish :D
So as well as being this I always have been a little bit a more curvy girl, not fat in some way, but I was more than most of the other girls of my class at school ;) and probably also in my surrounding :) At least I thought I was.... and I think at my highest point of weighting 76kg at a height of 1,70/1,71m  I probably really was curvier than many other girls :) but now looking objectively at the pics I think it was more than my body and shape which let me slip into Miss Mager´s trap... :(

Most of all everything started as previously mentioned with this diet called Metabolic Balance, which I started together with my family =)
At this one you start to have three meals every day which consist mostly of fruits and vegetables and one slice of bread for lunch and dinner and ALWAYS one protein ;) this in general means like you have milk for breakfast, meat for lunch and at the evening you put ham or cheese on top of your salad ;) not very complicated, but it worked and I changed my whole eating habits :) of course this at all sounds not bad, and I am sure what I ate was healthy, but I slowly started to radicalize it...........
And this was the mistake I made...
Me in my carnival costume :)
If I remember right, I felt very confident in it
(February 2014)
Now I know I already was so ill...
I recognized that getting thinner at first brought me many compliments and sentences like "woow, you lost some weight, looks good" or the attention of strangers :) I felt good at my body, and I foolishly thought this was due to the falling number on the scale :( I missed the point of stopping the weight loss and got more and more radical in cutting myself down :( means that I more and more cheated the food away and lied to my family relating to the meals we shared :( really sick in my opinion now.... but I could´t stop and slipped into this sooo deep.... :( I also lied to many other beloved people and now I am so sorry for doing this, and I hope so much they all know that I didn ´t do this with any bad intention :( 



It was so fabulous *_*
My 18th :-*
So this all happened in the time period from February 2013 to May 2014 when I officially was declared with anorexia :( In between there were so many great events in my life, which I would never want to miss, but now have to look at with the hint of a bitter taste :( I for example made my Abitur in June 2013, travelled with my girls to Ibiza, with my family to the US Westcoast (*_*), celebrated my 18th birthday, started University, going to bars and clubs and student parties, carnival, visited Ireland and simply enjoyed an amazing year with many great moments:) and next to all of this I radically starved myself in eating less and less and got colder and colder :( 

So while in Ibiza and USA (in July/August 2013) I still weighted 64kg, I already weighted less than 52 kg at christmas the same year :( all this happened so fast and in March at my birthday I was down to less than 45kg :( 
In the end (and this really sounds so horrible:() -> before my parents kept pulling me out of this, I only ate this:
This is what a typical lunch or dinner looked like :( only veggies :(
Breakfast: 5 raspberries (which were sweetened with sweetener) in unsweetened almond milk 
(I pretended and leaded my parents believe that I put oatmeal in it, but I always lied -> I not at all ate one flake=() 
Lunch: Salad with cucumber, cabbage, tomato and carrot :( I lied about the dressing and also prepared one with sweetener and without any form of oil
Dinner: The same as lunch (in an earlier stage I kept eating some cottage cheese or fat free cream cheese, but later I also left any protein in my plate -> carbs were no-go! 
Soooo this actually was my everyday eating process :( and I didn´t show any will or insight to change these wrong behaviors :( 

Then in March my family and I went to a spa and wellness center, where my dad was shocked to see me in bikini... Of course during all the winter time you can´t see all the rips and bones standing out that much, because you wear warm, wooly and large clothes :( He and also my mum became so worried about me, that they tried out really EVERYTHING to get me eating again =) So thankful for all of this....
But I refused any and every help, I still kept cheating and was so stupid :( I did so many ill things and regret ALL of them :( Some of my weirdest habits were for example: 
- Changing the content of bottles -> only "light" products :( instead of juice or soda :) 
-Replacing the content of a tuna tin :( it was with tomato sauce and I picked the fish out and replaced it by pureed tomatoes :( 
-Also I hided food in my jacket, sleeve, bag, kitchen towel, ....the strangest and weirdest places :( OMG thinking about this all feels so shaming for me, I am so so sorry..... :(


I hooooope all of you my lovelies and sweeties, warriors and fighters, friends and strangers are doing well and I would love to get to know your opinion of this post, because it really was sort of hard to write all this stuff from my head down and share it with you :) all those weird and crazy things I did.... :( I feel so ashamed for this so, thaaaaaaank you in advance, I LOVE U!!! :-*

Soo keep being strong and only look forward, recovery will be so worth it, because you are worth living a healthy and beautiful life :) always remember that and never fall into the trap of the open arms of an ED :( 
xxx

6 comments:

  1. Hey hun <3
    I was really struck with such a honest and moving post hun. I think it takes alot of strength and courage to write something like this and I really admire you for it hun! I think it is important to be able to identify and reflect on the mistakes we made back then. For writing them like this hun it helps you to realise how illogical they are and how Miss Mager manipulates us!

    I am sure your loved ones understand huni so don't worry about that <3 I know they care about you! And don't forget hun, by choosing recovery, you will be able to make it up to them..seeing you happy and healthy would be the greatest gift ever for them !

    This post also made me very sad hun, to read how your eating disorder developed and took over everything :( But that was the past hun - and now it's time to change the present so you can make your future one that is full of hope and joy and happiness. I know you can do it hun, I really do believe in you and I am here to support you every step of the way if you ever feel lost or alone! xxxx

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    1. Emmmmmmmy*_*
      I am so glad and thankful you are always here for me hunniii :)
      You are sooooo absolutely right I think and thaaaaanks so much for saying such lovely words:-* means so much to me :)
      I as well agree with you that eeeevery little, no matter how small step counts so much in recovery and it is really hard to admit that doing something wrong really was false and that only our ED forces us to do things which hurt us and our beloved ones :( And writing it down really helps me to realize them and maybe all other people who you personally feel inside while doing something ill :(
      OOooh yes that would be one of the greeeatest things in my life being healthy and make my family happy by simply becoming myself again :) not this manipulated version of me :(
      Yeaah I am so sooorry it made you sad hunni, but you are so right: it is the past and we have to look forward in our future :) and it makes me so happy to see that I have so many lovely people at my side who help me out of this and keep fighting with me ;) just like you Emmy, so thankful for all of you ;) hope you are fine, too? =) and I just wanna tell you I always have an open ear for you in every situation, too Emmy :)
      xxxx

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    2. Heyy huni :* I agree with everything you write here hun. And thank you so much hun, I really appreciate you being there for me so, so much hun <3 Yes hun..I try to make a record of all the mistakes I make, so I can look back on them and think, "that was stupid, that was wrong..I won't do that ever again". it's all about NOT doing what the nasty voice says hun!!

      awwww <3 thanks so much hun <3 I am in the process of writing your mail hun, so I will tell you more on that ;) Love you hun, I hope you are having a good weekend ;) xxxxx

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    3. Awww there is nothing to thank me for, I am soooo thankful for all of your help you gave me by commenting my blog, reading your blog and writing me such lovely and heart-warming emails ;) there is so much I can learn from you ;) Yeeeees, that´s such a good idea, writing those ticks and tricks of the voice down and fighting exactly such bad habits ;) we will keep that up right huniiiiii :-*? <3 Love uuuuu xxx enjoy your evening!!!!!!!

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  2. Hi Angee, great post again and most beautiful writing. Being your auntie ... from far far away..., I remember the time so well when I met you last year around that time. I also remember before saying good bye that you had to promise me not to loose more weight.... because I was so worried. I m still worried and so are all the people who love you for who you are. But while staying with you in October I must say I was impressed how hard you try and fight to kick that bad habit. It takes it time, but you are on the right track and I m proud of you. Hugs and kisses to all of you and c you end of February xx

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    1. Aaaaaw Thank yoooou so much Tina for those lovely and touching words ;) they really made me so happy, and motivated :) because I know how caring and worried you all are and it honestly pushes me to hear that you say such nice things as that you see how hard I am fighting against it :) makes me so proud :) thaaaaaanks so much and I am so glad to hear that and I still promise you I won´t give up fighting for health and my normal weight ;) Never give up!!! Looking so much forward to your visit in February :) and maybe I soon will be able to go to Ireland again too ;) would be sooooo cool :-* <3 xxx

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