THIS WAS 2019 .... yeah ;) welcome home

Huuhuuu my sweet stuff :) 

First of all it OMG again (time went by so fast ...) Christmas Time is already over :) WOW ... 
And i hope that all of you had a wonderful time with your loved ones :) i absolutely had ;) 

Here in Germany no snow has fallen recently and so i am really exited when it is time for the first snow to fall down ;) 

Recently i noticed that now over a year ago i moved to Munich an puuh it feels like time went by so fast i never would have thought i live here since half a year now already ... 
And i totally can say: I am soooooo happy i made the step and moved out there! For nothing in the world i would go back there and the last half year at home showed me so much of how amazing and stunning life can be.. As i already said in the last posts, i got to know so many new gorgeous and impressing people, made friends and shared so many great evenings, nights with them :) But i also noticed how good and calming it feels to reunite with some old mates ;) 
This year truly marks a world for me... i made good and bad experiences, from which i all in all learned a lot.. about me and also about others :D 

Haha and now it seems like ages ago, that last new years eve i had to do an alcohol test, because this was forbidden and i got a roasting from the bosses of the wg, because me and a friend did drink a bottle of wine together :) Hahaa ;) what a start of 2019 :DD
SO i truly am sure that this year will end different :DDDD most probably with something to drink in both hands ;) 
So cheers to this :) 

And also a lot of people now ask me if i actually feel at home here in this little village in our house? And well, YES i absolutely do! Nowhere i would rather live now.. i have my own space and company if i want some ;) This year had so many changes that i now found time to just settle in and look along where i wanna be and what i wanna do ;) I broke up with Munich, moved here, made a reintegration in my old job and continued my paused apprenticeship in a completely new class ;) and most of all i did not fall back into old habits like my therapist warned me... i have a new surrounding here and try to make everything a little different than 2 years ago :) 
Thanks for all of you ;) and if i say all, i mean ALL of you ;) 

Wish you a wonderfuul night now and i think i won´t blog this year once more, so i wish all of you a happy new year with new chances, choices and most of all wonderful moments to live for ;) xxx

Lost in LISBOOOOON :) yes kind of ;)

Well yeah ähm long time no see... yes i was a little bit absent on here, because i absolutely had no idea of what to write about.. i started like 4 blog posts but did never finish them because i lost the thread :S 

So now i will make this one ready to read ;) 

Because all of my other started posts were sooo serious, i decided to do one about something not so serious, just more fun and maybe also interesting to read :) 

It will be about my trip to LISBON just few days agoooooooo ;) 

Well actually the whole trip was very spontaneous planned, because my mum found a reeeeaally cheap Ryanair flight (one flight for one person only was 25€ and we already booked it at the beginning of september :O) and so i gave it a goo ;) Yeah well, as i may once wrote down, my relatives live near the city center of Lisbon and this always is a reason to go there ;) We only meet up very rare, like twice or a little more often each year :) 

So the flight was on early sunday morning and i had such a hangover :D haha typically me i was feeling so ill the whole day :D But nevertheless, we made the best of it ;) Arriving in Lisbon we went to LX Factory, which can be described as a very cool old fabric complex where now some artists made cute little shops and such stuff ;) It really was lovely and i liked it ;) And Haha the weather ;) YES, me and the weather, the forecast was sooo bad for the whole week, like only rain and freeezy for this part of the world ;) But we were quite lucky, because we had much sun as well and not as much rain as it was said ;)

 

The next day my aunt and cousin took us to kind of a "lost place", it was such a panorama hotel, LEFT, like it was empty with soo many cool and fascinating graffiti all over, it was sooo stunning to see... a hotel with view to the ocean, left and painted ;) I loved it ;)

We also went to the Beach at a little city nearby ;) it was called Sesimbra ;) And the weather was great ;) HAha ;) But then on tuesday all the rain came down ;) So we decided to go by metro to the biggest shoopping center in Lisbon, COLOMBO ;) Wow, it was so big, i was desortiented ;) but still amazing ;) On the next day, it still seemed not so good, so we went to another shoopping center at the EXPO area ;) And afterwards we went to the inner city to go to HARD ROCK CAFE, where we always buy some cool stuff and memories ;)

On our last full day in lisbon my cousin took us out again and he showed us another LOST place, a left restaurant at the top of the city with an amaaazing view on the whole city ;) WOW ;) and also so many stunning graffiti ;) can´t believe it was left ;)

we also went for a coastal drive with him and had a wonderful afternoon ;) In the evening our portugese relatives took us out for dinner ;) at a rooftop bar with stunning view as well called "LOST in " (haha again LOST, this seemed to be the motto of this trip ;))

On Friday we again went for a little shopping and then to the airport, and safely landed in the evening again ;) WOW, being only one week away felt like i have seen so many things i completely felt flashed and it was good taking a little break from daily life ;) 

It sometimes may felt hard for me leaving my comfort zone, but all the memories i made totally were worth it ;) So always keep in mind, sometimes you have to leave your safe place to LIVE ;) Wish you a wonderful good night now ;) xxxxxxxx <3 

Risk something ;) either it is a lesson or a blessing ;) Dare it or loose it

Huhuuu my loves ;) 

Soooo hello agaiinn ;) it has been quite a few weeks since my last post, but i had a lot to think, to do and figure out.. I made some really new experiences and i actually can say: Yeah i lived :O soomehow i think ;) Maybe not the life of a 24 year old woman, but hey maybe the life of a 18 year old one ;D You can think about this the way you want, i won´t explain it any further :D Just like the title says, either you try it and it is a lesson and you grow at or you just have some fun and a good time ;) 

Back in the game ;)

Sooo but i also started aaagain  with my apprenticeship and so also vocational school (don´t actually know how to say it in english=)) and i must say i was so afraid of this, because i only had so many negative experiences with my illness there and i hated each day i had to go there ;) Now i am at a different class, with many newwww people and i also was the new one again, because the others already knew each other from the year before and i was so afraid not to find connection to them, but i just sat down and a very funny polish girl sat next to me and i started talking to her..  we came along so well and we nearly spend all the time together which is a really positive experience so far ;) Lets see how this continues and how i deal with the learning and so on and on ;) Just not breaking my head for this ;) 

Sooo what i actually wanted to point out with this blog entry: I wanted to show up all the risks of staying in your comfort zone ;) Yeaah all the risks because you will miss a lot if you stay in your little snake house not moving out and making new experiences ;) 
For sure they can go wrong ... so hardly :S and they dammitly can hurt yes... but well then it was a lesson... you can make it different the next time and maybe succeed then :) just trying to see it this way round ;) Haha normally this works out then, except you are me and make the same fucking experience many more times :DD 

But to point this out not moving out you will die home alone in your room.. 
Anorexia also showed this to me.. it isolates yourself from the world... I felt so ashamed and afraid of everything i did not really want to make something like going out or anywhere... every event no matter what it was felt like a deadline till then to me... i was so afraid of the idea of eating somewhere else and not being in my routine... this truly shocks me now in reward.. i made the best experiences when i went out and not stayed home every weekend.. i was so unhappy at that time but i did absolutely not want to admit to myself that i was alone with anorexia by then.. all the times she won the battle in my head and i stayed home living my daily sick routine.... such a fuck... and i am so angry on my old me remembering all of this time... 
But thank god and i hope so much this time it will be over.. just for now enjoying the moment (more or less sometimes haha:))
Wish you all a wonderful and calm night now ;) xoxoxox

What is needed to call a person a beautiful person?

Huhuuuu my sweeties *_*

Today suddenly in my mind this question popped up.. i actually even don´t know why and in which context... But do YOU know what it needs to be beautiful?
By BEAUTIFUL i do NOT mean in appearance!!!!!! For sure it can be self boosting if you look good and you may also feel good then, buuuut.... for me a person who is beautiful needs to own a huge heart, is empathic, is here for here friends and is in peace with him-or herself ;) The last one is i think the most important thing here... someone is beautiful who shines from the inside not only attracts from the outside!!!!!!

Yeah and thats quite what it is all about.. only focussing on how the look of a person is so superficial and you will also be treated in the same way as a result of that i think.. or will end up unhappy with a may attractive but icecold person.. AND this is not what i want... 
So i must also admit that i am no exception, i also am veeeery very picky if it comes to dating in general, buuut for me i recognized that i for sure look at his appearance, but i only will give some attention to him if i get to TRUST him.. This for me is the MOST important thing which makes a person beautiful: Being honest and trustworthy!!!!!
WIthout this every effort for someone is rubbish...Learning by doing yeeeeeees :S 

So what as well is a characteristic of a beautiful one? 
Being an individual... Well yes, for sure everybody thinks he is, but are you really sure you actually are? Do you have your own opinion and fashion style and stand up for this? Me for myself was sooowrong for ages... because i only was copying others and did not stand up for my voice.. only trying to please everyone else.. and this is what as well made me sick.. so look after yourself and make sure you are in peace with yourself (or nearly as much as possible;)) 
So also confidence in my eyes is something which is stunning about a person for me:) it also is a sign that the person is satisfied with him-or herself:) Well for sure too much confidence as well can appear arrogant or egoistic but in general a person who is not shy makes an impressive look to me, it can be beautiful but it needn´t be in general ;) 

Puuuuuh enough blog words for now ;) So it just is time for a result ;)

Final result now:
Shining from the inside is what attracts the most from the outside ;) And the best thing you can wear is a smile ;) 

Wish you all a lovely evening now my honesys ;) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Mooooootivation on :) How to get out of a dark episode and negative thoughts :)

Hellooooo again my loves ;) and not loved ones maybe as well :DDD

Nutella as well always helps
;)

According to my actual mood (in which i definitively would need some shining moments or maybe only some shooting stars to wish for something ) I thought about writing a post of how to motivate again in daily life and how to deal with some dark episodes... Like for example suffering from depression, being lovesick, a loss of a beloved person or it could also just be stress you hardly can deal with... 
This at all is such a difficult question that there is no right or suitable answer for everybody, because each one of us acts different when it comes to sorrow or stress... like i know, some people eat when they are sad or down whereas others just restrict and could not eat anything because of a lump in their throat as we say in Germany :S 

But those things are just the side effects of such dark days... no solution... eating or not eating is NO solution<! DO NOT COMPENSATE YOUR SORROW... i swear surpressing those negative feelings will let them grow... one thing i for sure learned in therapy is that feelings have their right to BE there!!! Maybe you sometimes do not even understand why, but your body subconscious knows what is right in such a situation.. Like for example if you have been left by your boyfriend and you may think "What a fucking a****" and you are so angry about him so you just wanna throw everything around... just stop and feel it... is this the feeling you truly have? 
Just think about it... when i experienced this feeling i did also act so angry and in a rage and then when time went on, just like 2 weeks later(!) i felt such a deeeeeeeep deep grief and sorrow i only wanted to cry it all out.. yeah my body was sad and i had to let it out... and after this and talking about the whole thing my mind truly started to close this chapter of my life and i moved on.... so much more relieved and free now ;) And i always keep this in my mind: It is no shame being sad about something and admitting that you are hurt.. it only is human and letting it out will prevent you from such mental illnesses like depression, burnout or maybe also an eating disorder... who knows?!
So and now? Crying it out and you are better? For sure you know this does not work to 100%.. but then how to keep on going? Not falling into a deep dark hole in the ground...

My ideas are just ideas, no solutions which may work for everyone, okay? Yeah so for the first thing to get out of it, i would consider not staying alone with it.. Just chat to someone, meet up friends, go out and distract yourself from the cloud of negative thoughts which ghosts around in your head... Me for example helps this the most, because me being alone with those mean thoughts: i mostly end up crying again...So i went on a burger date with some girls from the clinic last week ;) It was such a wonderful reunion and we had sooo much to talk about which absolutely made my problems in this moment much less important ;) Thanks my girls xoxoxo

It is so beautiful where i live ;) 

Then something else would be going out into the nature and simply try to inhale it and see the beauty itself.. yeah and also taking a little walk can help so much,.... there some happiness emotions show up and you immediately will be out of your thoughts...


Another idea of me would be CHANGE ;) Well yeah what the hell? I think if you close a chapter in your life it may also be time for an external change in appearance  :) SO to come back what i mean: Change your haircolor or fo and make a piercing, just like me yesterday (hehe the one on the right is new ;)) It may hurt a little bit or will be unfamiliar at first, but this shows you are strong and you move on.. NO more negativities, focus on the positive of your look ;) Because you look great!

PUuuh so i think for now these are enough suggestions for you of how to overcome such dark and negative episodes of your life ;) If you want i can continue with this list in one of my next posts as well ;) Just let me know ;) there are so many more possibilities :D 
Wish you now a wonderful sunday evening my beeees ;) <3 <3 

Is the recovery of my ED still such a big part of my life?

Huhuuuuuuu my owls ;) ;) 

Recently i have been asked by a friend which i know now for quiet a long time, wether my recovery is actually still such a massive massive part of each day? Hmmm.. wow this truly made me think a little bit about it :S 

To be honest with you guys, i would say: YES ... it still is... i mean you just have to remember that eating is an everyday thing, you just not could stop it for a while just because you maybe had a bad one or negative feelings... you have to cling to being honest with yourself every f*** day... i sometimes would say :S because yeah for sure i know what i need to eat, but for sure you also know that eating is related to your own feelings... maybe you feel streessed and need a little extra food or you are sick or may feel down or something and you absolutely are not hungry.. you know? 
So this is something i truly have to deal hard with sometimes... especially now since i am working (since this week i am having 6 hours a day :) i recognize that i am so extra extra hungry.. even though i am only sitting in front of my pc, i notice that mental work also is so exhausting and even though my mind tells me not to have more food, i know that i have to give in and have that little bit extra :S 
And by doing this i again checked how important it is to weight enough and not give back into that disordered thoughts.. And i am still aware that i still have to gain some kilos and i also can tell you guys that this is kind of not an easy thing to do next to having a life and not being isolated and Miss M... This is it what i actually wanted to tell you with this post: I wanna have a life, but right noow i also need to gain and combinating this hand by hand is hard work.. getting to a point where i feel free to eat truly what i want and how much...  (also not connected to my mood, health or stress)r Hopefully one day i will reach this point, but i think i am not giving up and try to keep my mood and positivity up ;) this is all i can do for the moment and keep strictly to all my meals and food.. not forgetting the challenging ones and all my recovery stuff i learned in the last 1,5 years :)

So also keep your heads up you sweeties ;) wish you all the best now and a wonderful night sleep ;) And may you all be a little bit more gangster ;) *just putting a crown on your head *

Getting along and stumbling in my life... Moving on ;)

Huhuuuuu Honeybees :)

Wow such a complicated life for me now... i definitively have to take good care of me right now not falling back into old sick habits..
As you may noticed from my previous posts, my life is changing so much at the moment and i truly have to be open for new opportunities, duties and letting the old behind me once for all... for sure the past waas not only bad or anything like that at all, but i absolutely realized now, that the one thing which is needed now: Getting grown-up and not remain in the past....
Yeah Miss Mager is the darkest chapter in my life and there are sooo many negative memories connected with this.. 

One thing i learned in the past years: It is just a bad day, not a bad life :) 

So what actually happens right now? Soooo one very big decision now is coming regarding to my job and my apprenticeship, because they offer me something which could work out well, but on the other hand it would mean a lot of stress and as you may know: Stress is the biggest factor for falling back to anorexia.... So this is something i truly have to figure out well and not make any prematurely decisions....

The other thing which affects me still is the circle of people/friends i spend and enjoy spending time with.... Losing some people, making new friends, being part of a group, having some exciting relationships with some boys,.... andandand....all this bothers me a lot at the moment... i mean i learnt so much the last weeks and met some unbelievable heartwarming peeeps, which absolutely pushes me a lot in recovery and it makes me feel loved and this is the best feeling ever for me ;) I pray to god that these people stay and not like others leave from one day to another :) #pleasestayatmyside :-*
Haha :) 

So something else i also wanted to share with you is, that i started with art therapy again ;) Just had one lesson, but it was really amazing, creating something outside in the garden and not knowing the result, just giving my thoughts a try :) this is something i truly can recommend to everyone who needs some help with their mental health ;) Maybe just giving it a try: I mean me for myself i hate drawing something real, i only let my mind play and do abstract pictures :) may sound bit weird for you, but i swear many people as well state that this has such a positive influence on your mind and body ;) Just give it a try okay? ;) 

Thats the first result of the drawing ;) Haha no by the way,
this is just the background ;) More to follow.....

So enough said for today ;) I wish you all a wonderful evening now my sweeties *_* Hope you have a good one and enjoying the summer ;) xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Mwaaaah :-*

Ghosting ... and what actually is a REAL friend :S

HUhuuuuuu my cuties ;) 

Boooooooooo... or anyhow a ghost would make you scared and frightened :S 

Hahah another ghost ;) 

Haha no, this is not meant by the word GHOSTING :) this word i just read a few days or weeks ago in the newspaper and it totally reminded me of what many people often do without shame: they just do like PLOPP and disappear out of your life!!!!!!
This is something i think of as an outrageous behavior and especially if you thought of them as important or as a friend for you, this truly hits hard... i mean what do you think if somebody does not answer your texts and messages anymore or does not answer your phone calls...
Why does somebody do that? I mean without any explanation or giving the other side the chance to explain oneself, if he or she made something wrong... I just do not understand such a rude behaviour... 
I just can speak from my point of view... of course i also already erased myself out of the life of somebody else, but not a friend normally... in general those were all boys, i just dated or some girls who were chattering with me from time to time.. but NOT friends... this is just disgusting!!!!!! 
But now thinking about this some longer time ago, i recognized i truly have to ask myself at this topic: Was this person then really a friend???????

I never wanted to hear it or deal with it, but also in the day clinic in which i was in Munich, my therapist wanted me to ask myself what a real friend for me is....and what do you think, i did not even really know about it quiet properly .. we worked out a scheme, which unfortunately only is in German, but i think i can point out the most important points here as well : 
RESPECT, TRUST, EMPATHY, SAME LEVEL OF GIVING AND TAKING, IS HERE FOR YOU IN BAD TIMES, HELPING EACH OTHER, NO EXPLOITATION....
And do you agree? 
Even though i always thought, yes, for sure some times are good others are bad, realizing that this person, i thought about as a friend, has ghosted out of my life, truly hurts very much and makes me sad...I think you may also know the feeling of getting erased out of somebody´s life and this fucking is not fair, but hey if the other person wants it? I am just getting the conclusion for myself now, that (even though this sounds hard) this person never was a friend... because friends would talk to each other if there is a difficulty and not just piss off....Okay enough of me now...

I jreally found it difficult to deal with this topic now and i thought may some of you also can probably relate to it as well.. :) wish you all a wonderful evening now honeys :) 
Lots of love ;) xxxx

Moving out of your comfort zone...come on ^^

Huhuuuuuu my honeybees :) 

Wuhuu it is summer here in Germany, like today there are 37 degrees *OMG* :S 
Wow i normally enjoy the warm days sooo much, but this also for me will be a little bit too much i think.. but let´s make the best of it ;)

Such a wonderful sundown isn´t it? This
absolutely feels like summer :) 

So today my post will be a little bit about moving out of your comfort zone, which is reeeeeally scary i think.. especially for someone with a mental health issue....
and of course everybody has different views on what a comfort zone actually is, but here i will describe my own experiences and fears to it :) 

A comfort zone is the surrounding, place and area where you feel safe and you easily interact with the people and the environment in which you live :) Just like everything comes and goes without much thinking, low anxiety and many negative thoughts.... so why the hell moving out of this safe place???????
Hmm one reason could be, this place may made (or still makes) you ill....

Staying in a place or a zone, means in other words your life is on pause.... because staying is the opposite of moving, or am i right? 
And so if your comfort zone is the only thing you enjoy/accept/or act in you will one day or another be anxious about the other surrounding and these fears can be so hard to deal with i swear.. 
Also just think of what beautiful places you could get to see if you leave your zone?! The world is so big and you just stay in your 4 walls..? Yeah making new experiences can be so fearful, but also they could be so cool and amazing :) Just imagine how proud you could be, if you managed to do something which scares you!! This also in my eyes can be very healing.... 

This photo i made in a club last weekend where i was
visiting a friend ;) and i thought you all really should
take this for real!!!!!!!

So what are your fears and where does your comfort zone start and end? 
I don´t actually know for sure where it starts and ends, but many things easily become a fear for me if i do not regularly eat them for example.. just like those common fear foods.... :S so by times again and again eating them makes them easier to handle and they also stay on the safe side :) But this is just one example, like there could be zones in social life as well or in communication and so on...
But enough said now for tonight ;) Get your ass out of you comfort zones!!!!!!
Wish you a wonderful evening now xxxxxxxxxxxoxxxxxxx

Acceptance... the most ever used word in every therapy you definitively should know about ;)

Huhuuu all you lovelies and bees ;) :-*

I think the title at all describes best and already what this blog post will be about, right?! :) 
Yeah it´s all about ACCEPTANCE ACCEPTANCE AND guess what ACCEPTANCE ...
WUhuuuu i love this word... NOT
So something you learn as a mental sick person in each different sort of therapy i swear: You have to accept that you have an illness and you also have to accept this illness can not control your whole life.. no matter how much you deny it...Neither you have an addiction, an eating disorder or any mental problem you have to deal with.. If you live that life on and on without changing something, you will not have a long or anything like a happy life.. I always try to think of me with 40 years still being struck in an haggard lean small body with a shrunken face still thinking about calories and counting them..  spending hours on not eating.... 

AND especially being alone then.. yeah an mental health issue makes you lonely... because you shock and scare away all your loved ones or those who would show interest on you :S 
And in my case, loneliness is the worst thing i can experience... only the thought of someone hating me is killing but being alone in this world is absolute horror for me... Brrrr... feels icecold....
So as my therapist one day told me in the day clinic: Either you accept that you need to gain weight for living a healthy life or you will starve yourself every day and then? Can you see any joy in this battle you do? 
And for sure the only right answer would be NO... There is no joy and happiness in your life, being totally in starving mode each day... So you wanna swap? 

Let go...and accept it

Awww and here are some self plucked
strawberries *_* just for a better mood ;) 

Bäm and this is something i learned as well.. if you don´t show any will to change something and show motivation to fully recover, this will never work... 
You can´t become healthy for anybody else than yourself... and for this you definitively need to see how beautiful and unique you are.... yeah gaining weight is really hard and especially if you have a very low BMI, but do not forget to do it for yourself.. i got to know so many beautiful girls in the clinic who made such super effort in gaining and getting so much tribute from the therapists, but most likely (this is my own experience from the clinic) about 80% relapse again... and this i think comes from the fact that they did not do it for themselves....

So by everything you do, accept it.. you need to make a decision to go for something and then stand for it... Like recovery: choose it, and then do it :) No way back okay!!!!!! 
Now a lovely sunday evening my sweeties :) <3 xoxoxoxoxo

Hoooooome home sweet hooome *_*

Huhuuuuu my angels ;)

Yeaaaah it is official, i am HOME now finally :) :) I made the decision to leave the WG and move back to my old/new house ;) 

The view of our house *_*

And it was MY own decision!! And i am definitively standing up for this! 
I hope all will work out now... the way it should or the way which can be accepted... of course there will be mistakes and relapses and flashbacks but i hope that i am strong enough the handle this bitch this time now! 
But i think it is TIME now.. time for ME...i am so sick of all those super duper correct (they only think they are correct!) supervisor and pedagogues who rebuke me for anything... and the most important thing which it is finally time for: doing a job, having something to do, developing a hobby, etc..... Soooo hopefully this works all out, so please press thumbs my beeeeeees *_* 

With some new speed back home... :)

Soo on and on and on i go.. and i am sure so do you?! So what is important to keep in mind when entering a new episode in life?
For me such steps like moving somewhere, even only a holiday is kind of a small chapter for me in my life, so one like this is kind of super big for me.. and one year ago i would never have thought how easy it is for me to start new.. like last year the step from home to the clinic, then home for two months in my family´s new house, then in the living community in munich and now home again... WOW.. for me like life changing.... :S

This approximately one year gave me so much.. it was the hardest year in my life so far i think, but it taught me so many many things... from being so much more independent (i did not even know how to wash my clothes alone :D) to making new contacts, developing friendships, loosing some people again and being so much more confident.... even though my self worth and esteem still are very low, i can say something has changed to this :) 
Letting people in and out in life and trusting someone is a big step i may also will write a new blog about, because what do you think, is it easy to fully let someone get to know you? 


Okay now so enough about my life now, i don´t even know if you are interested but i am alwaaaays so happy seeing in my statistics that someone stopped by :) Heheeee :) 
So i wish you a lovely and nice evening now :) Here in Germany the weather is so shit the last days,.. only rain rain rain and dust.. :) I am praying for a better one now :) 
Love ya ..... xxxxxx up to new beginnings...

Dear anorexia..a letter to my bounded other half...or somebody it kind of tries to be...

Dear anorexia, Miss Mager, 

my longtime friend, my bestie, my one and only person who was here for me all day and all night.... wow such a long time now really.... about 5 years, since you first got a name in my head and in public as well.... Everybody knew we both were connected in such a complicated inseperable way... there no longer was Angi to meet, there always were Angi and Miss Mager, no longer one without each other.. but do you really exist? 
For me definitively YES :S Oh and how much you influenced me and still have power over me....Who the hell are you to tell me such stupid rituals, negative thoughts and who are you to tell me i am not good enough? Making me starve nearly until death.. what kind of friend would do that? Hmmm i could not imagine only one... exept a false friend and this is no kind of friend! 

I think this cartoon from the movie "coraline" describes my relationship
to my false friend anorexia kind of very well :S 

How did we actually meet and why did i allow you to take so much control over me... not only regarding to food, but also social contacts and family... you suddenly were everything to me and nobody else anyhow mattered to me... ONLY YOU and me... wow just like in a relationship.. a relationship with my very own DEVIL!!!!! 
Realizing this can be so hard trust me, because for me everything still seemed fine and i did not recognize the changes i made and only my surrounding became aware of how much you influenced me... and made me sick and vulnerable.... so sick i needed professional help, and this now since more than ONE year!!!!!! Wow fuck off....

So why is somebody who just actually had a normal life falls in the trap of such a special friend like anorexia? So as i found out there are many very attractive facts Miss Mager offered to me and i consequently trapped into her claws.. like for example when i at first started loosing weight i became many compliments for my strength and willpower...  and also i felt seen for the first time of my life... because in school i always was kind of inconspicuous and a wallflower.. shy and quiet... nobody really recognized me as a special eyecatcher or anything like this.. i just was there but i had less friends and did not feel welcomed or connected to the class...so when i had miss mager next to my side i did no longer feel alone.. sounds kind of weird, but i totally felt this way :S 
SO how is this twin in am bounded with? Why is she getting on my nerves each and every day? :S Can´t this finally stop once for all? 
Yeah for sure i am still keeping on trying to push her away and trying to get my own shit together living without her on my side.... 
Sooo enough rambling and mind setting for this sunday evening.. oh by the way it was palm sunday today (just mentioning this because next week is easter :)) and i am going home for the weekend.. haha and hopefully going home without miss m by my side... :) wish you all a good night now ;) xxxxxxxxx <3 <3 lots of love and sunny days... :) 

Sei nicht zu hart zu dir selbst --- Forgive yourself and be gracious *_*

Gooood evening my cutiiies *_* 

Soooo another sign of life from myself aaaaaaand therby as well a belated HAPPY ST PADDY´S DAY :) to some of my special irish readers but also everyone else :D Here in Munich there was as well a big parade and a party celebrating this special day *_* 
As you all know i loooove ireland :) So i also had a look at the festivities yesterday and i am such a fan of you crazy irish ones :DDDD

Sooo what happend in the last nearly two months? :) Soooo many happy but also hard things again (but guess what i think this is life =)) 
First of all there is the Tagesklinik in which i am still trying my best to get out of this shit of anorexia.. :S and i truly have to say this really is adapted to daily life structures which immensly helps me a lot.. because learning how to deal in real life is something i absolutely have underestimated... So it definitively is a hard time right now, because working on yourself needs so much energy... but i also see : it is absolutely worth it !!!!!!!!!

I never felt more confident and on my way than right now:) sounds selfish, doesn´ it? :S 
But i also start learning and recognizing this is something i truly need to learn to fully heal: being gracious with myself .... no matter what feeling you may have or somebody else tries to give to you :) YOU are important :) this is something i am dealing so hard with ;) and forgiving myself each day all the shit i have done wrong... looking back in my life i made so many faults, i can´t turn around but then i have to remind myself making a mistake is allowed but it all depends on the way to handle it and go on with it ;) Like my tattoo says: never a failure, always a lesson!!!!! Nearly the same;) it is not how you make yourself bad for a mistake it is how you go on with it and learn from it in the best way ;) 
Easy said, i know.... Haha i am the best in saying theoretical how to do it but make it wrong each time again ;( 
But nevertheless, i also learned that there are so many people out there who absolutely appreciate you and all of your appearance !!!!! I don´t know if you may also feel like your not worth spending time with.... this is something which always harms me and makes me feel sorrow and insecure in being with other people.. like i would get on everybody ´s nerves and they are only friends with me because they feel sorry for myself... And this also is such a factor of my anorexia ... it always makes me wonder how this and an eating disorder cling together, you know? ;) Acting in society and feeling insecure is a big factor in developing mental illnesses.... sad right..... but how to deal with it? 
Yeah that is the question i am working right now..... tell me if you found an answer.. i will also tell you okay? :) Sooo now enough of my babbling ;) Hopefully you know have a wonderful evening my dears ;) xxxxxxxxxxx Looooove ya

Living update ;) about guess what? my LIFE ;) What actually happens after the clinic...

Hellooooo hello again, long time no see i know :S

But a lot has happened recently in my life... it seemed like this fucking year 2018 would never end? :) but it did and 2019 did not start anyhow better.. but later more to this.. ;D 

Okay, so in the second week of november the Living community in Munich finally called me...I signed myself in there in August, on the advice of the chief psychologist of the Schön Klinik... He told me this would help me to get the balance between the life in the clinic to the life afterwards at home... For me this felt like WTF?! I never wanted to move out from home, especially because my family has moved into our new house this year.. so i wanted to live there as well for sure... but he was convinced of the opinion i would not make it at home again.. and maybe he was right, i thought... i decided to give it a try... i visited to of those living groups in Munich and loved the one which was at the very city center... ;) I really signed in....
WOW what a step again, for me the homesick girl.... i always thought i could not live somewhere else, but now this was not such a big step for me as i even thought.... in a positive way.. right now i do not know how to think about living here, it just feels kind of unreal and weird at the moment.. Like me lost in the big city :S And for sure being new in a wg with 24 girls is really not easy, but i think i need to make my way through it right now and give it a chance.. because it absolutely is not what i expected it to be, because it is most of the time soo boring... 
Soooo making another big decision which maybe sounds weird, because i live in a therapeutically accompanied living group, i signed in the day clinic... :S sounds confusing, and it also is for me, but i truly have to tell you, this daily support is not what i expected it to be in here... in the morning we only do such waste of time like doing walks, strolls through munich without any real goal, or do tinker or play games.. no daily structure anyhow given... and this mostly was the reason why making the decision of going to the day clinic: I have a daily structure and i still have to gain weight and this works there as well faster as in the wg... :S 
I don´t know if you understand all of my writing in this post, because i am as well, kind of confused and it is hard to explain, but i am not feeling very comfortable here at the moment.. like being parked in this wg and not knowing what to do with myself... my apprenticeship still is on ice until august and i hope i will be ready to continue it then again.. so this is what i am working straight towars.. so weight gain is priority and learning to take care and responsibility for me:)))))))
Maybe you also have made experiences with such living groups or day clinics? =) I would love to hear from you ;)would be so cool to hear ;) wish you a lovely sunday my honeybees ;) 
Unfortunately the internet is so bad in here that i can´t upload any pic.... :( soo this post also looks soo boring.. so sorry for that :) xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxo