HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN and all the different faces of Miss Mager :S

Heeeeey Sweeties :)
How are you all doing? I hope so much you are fine and well :) 

So maybe you wanna get a little update about my time here in hospital? I am actually feeling a little bit better now since I had a few very very confusing days :S but this is just the way it often is, they told me :) 

I feel so lonely here at some times, but then again I know that I am absolutely right for being here, because I never think now I would be able to beat this stupid illness on my own... And eating wise I already made so many efforts right now, which truly impresses me...This is something I already know for sure now!!! 
It truly forces me in so many many direction being in here, but I am sure, all the challenges they give me and all the shit, which develops because of me being not hard enough, make me to another person who is so much stronger than before!!
I truly get more the impression, that all the girls see each other as competitors who is doing better or who is able to cheat more or eat less :S I absolutely never would be that cruel and sneak on the others :) 
In my opinion, they are all here as well because of different seventies of Miss Magers´face and so I thought they would understand the struggles of each other, but obviously they do not really :S 
Hahaa but I know now just (thank you so much Mama and Papa for this advice) that I never want to end up like them in my life :) So so many of them already are at their mid- or end twenties, live at their parents and have nothing else to think about than spending saturday morning and sunday afternoon with knitting or taking part at a beauty workshop in a clinic for eating disorders :S OMG sorry but I never want to end up like this again, because it sounds so ridiculous :S and sometimes I also truly get the impression they actually are not unhappy with it..... Such strange psychopaths in my eyes :S 

This is the most stirring thing for me at the moment :( I simply hate being seen as a concurrent in somebody else´s eyes... and this exactly is the case in here :) Everyone focus on you making some faults or slips and then they attack you just like wild animals :( such friendly girls hahaaa :S for sure not, they all focus on yourself to divert from themselves to not getting caught and to have something they can talk about :) so I really seem to give them true reasons to talk about :S Oh this is sometimes so ridiculous :) 
Sorry for all my negativity according to them, but otherwise I am so proud to say, that I actually am doing all in all good here in the clinic :) my weight is raising step by step and I truly can say I eat so much more than I ever did :) it also gets easier day by day I honestly can state :) 

Oh and I nearly forgot: To all of you who celebrate Halloweeen and all this stuff in their countries, I wish you a great time and celebrations ;) 
Love u all so much and hope to hear some great news from you of how you are doing ? :)
xxx <3

Little update :)

Okeeeey my honeybeeeeees ;)
NEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWS

So now I think it is time to give u a real update about my current situation, as I think I neglected this a little bit too much in the last time...... :S I am so sorry about that ;) 
Okaaaaay this isn´t very easy for me to tell, but since yesterday I am at an inpatient treatment center which specially has been designed for eating disorders :) It does not at all look like a hospital or something like this, but it is for me to gain some more weight, as I wasn´t able now to do this at home :( I was on this long waiting list since June this year and last week I finally got the call that I can get in :) I at first was so shocked and as you all probably know getting inpatient was the last thing I ever wanted or intended as the right thing :( but now I know this only was the thing which the "Miss Mager part of myself" didn´t want to :S 

And I honestly must say it is kind of amazing and shocking at the same time of how eating the portion sizes here feels :S It all is kind of more hectic and faster, but truly was able to manage yesterday evening dinner and today breakfast :) OMG *_* this is so confusing for me, as I never ever ate such big sizes of bread at home :( And the most stunning part, which I never expected as it really is, is the atmosphere with the other people and the nice girls on my ward :) they truly support each other by cheering up and such stuff :) Oh I am so overwhelmed by so many many new impressions and changes which are going on here :) I am so curious about how things are going on now, but I truly hope it was the right decision of going here :) 
My room is quite nice here and the surrounding is very pretty as well ;) doesn´t really makes the appearance of a hospital at all :) this makes it a lot easier :) 
I am so nervous about all the different rules and the stuff I don´t know yet, but I hope now the only way is up ;) let´s beat Miss Mager once for all time ;) never go back ;) 

Wish you all a lovely lovely evening now and enjoy life, it definitively will be worth it ;) but at first I have to heal in order to live/love/laugh again ;) believe me being underweight isn´t fun at all...... :S 
xxx

Stupid Angeeee girl :SSSSS

Hey my honeeeeeeeeeeeeeys :) 
The following post (which is down here) is a post I wanted to publish last week on Sunday :S I was so down, because as you can see, I disappointed all my beloved ones, and felt like a unworthy and disgraceful person :( I really was determined to cut down my blog, because I felt like a failure :) 
BUT and now you all have to read carefully! BUT my parents AGAIN saved me from doing the wrong thing and even if I acted so so wrong and inexcusable, they still built me up and helped me come back on track!! OMG you can´t believe what amazing persons they are :) I can´t believe it by myself :S They are my rocks!!! And even if I acted ice cold against them and broke their heart more than one time, they still built me up and helped me cope :) THEY ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for still believing in me :) I hope now you don´t think I am a bad person or something like this for not being able to get rid of this ED in a faster way, and I thank you so much as well for still reading my blog :) I know noticed again how much it means to me and I could´t be without it :) it motivates me so much again and again and I am so thankful for having this little page: "How Nutella saved my Life"
I always have to remember why I started it and I will not end it till I reached my final goal:
BEING A HEALTHY AND NORMAL GIRL WITHOUT EATING DISORDERED THOUGTHS!

SO THIS IS THE POST I WANTED TO PUBLISH, BUT WASN´T ABLE TO: 

So sorry my dears...........

I am just a liar, who is lying to herself, that she would be able to recover, but Miss MAGER is too strong for me....

I am so sorry for admitting this, but this is soooo true :( I am always hurting the people I love and this is the worst for me.... So I don´t want to pretend to be someone I am not to you guys, and this definitively is: a girl who is able to recover.....

So I wish you guys all the best in your own personal recovery, and I hope you all are able to reach happiness, health and recovery and find your own personal luck!!!

But I lost the love and the trust of two of me most important people on earth today completely and for the last time..... they lost their faith in me and this meant everything to me. so now I feel extremely lost at the moment... :( sorry Mama and Papa :( 

Thank you all for your always heartwarming comments and words, I love u and maybe if I will be better some day, we will finally made it up to each other :) Thanks for always believing and supporting me, but I now know I am definitively not worth the kind words.......

SORRY again.........


LUCKILY I NOW CHANGED MY MIND AND NOT STOP BLOGGING, AS I GOT TO KNOW SO MANY LOVELY PEOPLE THROUGH IT AND I ENJOY WRITING IT SO MUCH *_* 
Love u all so much <3 

Foods which mean LOVE to me *_*

Hey cuuuties ;)
I am so sorry for my lack of posts at the moment, but there is so much I have to deal in my head right now that I don´t truly now about what to blog? ;) 
I have so many ideas but no plan of how to realize them :( I notice more and more now how much Miss Mager really imprisons us :( She keeps us away from living and I definitively have to do something against it ;) 
So for also distracting myself a little bit from all kind of negative thoughts, I now decided to write a little bit about what dishes are MY (the real Ange one´s ) favorite ones to eat ;) 
I absolutely DON´T know if this is interesting for anyone of you at all, but today I am not really in the mood for writing a thoughtful and elaborated post, soooo here I go (I hope you are okay with this hehe :D) (Oh and by the way, many of them are some childhood favorites or maybe also German foods you don´t know, so if you have any questions, feeeeeel so freeeeee to ask): 

Dishes and main meals:
- Rice, spinach and minced meat
- Fish fingers
- Egg, spinach and potato mash
- Wiener Schnitzel with chips 
- Sweet yeast dumplings, spinach dumplings or Semmelknödel
- Pancakes (filled with jam or ham and cheese)
- Porridge and muesli (especially the crunchy ones)
- Wraps
- Mc Donalds :D
- Pizza
- Schupfnudeln
- Toast with Nutella, Jam, ....
- Roasted Potatoes and pumpkin with dips
- Kässpätzle
- Chicken with rice


Snaaaaacky Snacks:
- Nutellaaaaaaa *_* 
- Chocolate (mostly Milkaaaaa)
- Cookies 
- Custard (Oh I always love the vanilla ones the most!!)
- Cakes, Tartes, Brownies, Fudge, Crumble

(hahaaa do you notice all great things start with a "C" -> so we probably have to rename Nutella into Cutella? *_* hahahaaa what do you think, would this be a possibility? ;) 

Nuuuuuuts all over.... :) Tips and Tricks? :)

Hellooooooou my little peaaaaanuts ;)

Haha yes you are right? She maybe got crazy, but nooo for sure not ;) But I am so happy my Sweeties, that I regained something in my recovery which I for now maybe the last two years wasn't able any more, because I totally refused it to myself :( 

In concret I am talking about nibbling, munching and snacking on little thingies all throughout the whole day :) 

I really honestly wasn´t able to do this anymore, even in all the time of my recovery :) I was refusing every little bit, because it felt so wrong for me and I was so afraid of gaining weight by eating it :(

BUT NOW something which I never would have believed would happen: I started to snack nuts!!!!!! ME? Yes, even though I (the old Ange) really hated the taste of nuts, peanuts and cashews, I started eating it and became so fascinated of those salted little things :) Or also I used to HATE the taste of Peanut Butter and now, I sometimes have it on my toast ;) Can you imagine this? I learned to nibble again by the help of something which never would have been worth it for Miss Mager... :) this makes me so happy and it feels so much like fun, eating such a crispy nut, which crushes by biting on it ;) Oh and I think the special thing for me is also, that there are so many different flavors you can choose: salted, honey, sweet, spicy, ..... :) I really enjoy having such a variety ;)

OH so my little peanuts, what about you? Maybe this will help you also a little bit in your recovery: try food which you never really loved before you got ill (because in your mind you are tricking Miss Mager by doing this ;)) you are actually forcing yourself to eat something which according to your ED isn´t worth enough eating it ;) but you will discover so many new flavors and maaaaaybe (like it was at myself) you will love the taste ;) 

Really believe me, everybody who knows me, knew that I didn´t like nuts, but now, they helped me to claim another step in my recovery and I am very thankful for my Mammi making me trying them ;) It maybe took her a while, but I did it!! ^^

So maybe you also have some useful tricks for tricksing Miss Mager? ;) I would be so glad to get to know them ;) I could really use some new tricks ;) 

Love u all and sending you nutty huuuugs ;) 

xxx

Gueeeeeeeeeeeees who bought a new jar of Nutella today? :-*

Hey my Cuuuties :)
Hahaa I guess you are right: It is THIS girl over here in rainy dusty Germany :D (OMG by the way this jar looks so cute, because it is a special edition with the cuuuute little peanuts and Snoopy on it *_*)

I have the second one from the left with cuuuutie Snoopy and Woodstock

Sooo this is a kind of random post about how my life is going at the moment and how my plans for the future are :) Hopefully you don´t think this is boring, but I just feel like a little bit of babbling today ;) 

Living
Is
For
Enjoying!!!!!!!!!



Yes it truly is and you can´t truly enjoy your life and be happy when you are underweight, with no power and a meal plan which you have to follow... This is something nobody ever will be able to convince me from :( not even myself... I think in fact in recovery YOU are your worst enemy and you have to make sure every day you are able to convince yourself that you are doing the wrong thing by staying this way!!!!!
And this is something I truly want: A life where nobody has to remind me of how much I have to eat and what is wrong and right for me :) So this at the moment is something I really have to get clear thoughts about, because yesterday I sent in one of my essays from my studies and became unsure again if I will be able to really work as a teacher in my future and if it is really the thing I wanna do in my life..... I don´t know my honeybees at the moment all I have to do is focussing on getting as fast as possible out of this underweight phase in my life and then I will be able to decide what will be right for me according to my profession... but this is all just so confusing to me--------- :( 












So guys it is time to live in the now and not in the maybe or the future, live right now and focus on what you have to do at the moment :) and in my case this is getting healthy!!!! For having and enjoying a real life withoout any more thoughts about stupid Miss Mager (she only is an imagination guys!!!) Restricting is no option, food is fuel: Every day again and again!!! 
So GOOD NIGHT MY HONEYBUNNIES *_* sending you some good night kisses and I hope you made today a good day and enjoyed your life ;) 
xxxx

Intention: NO more cheating :)

Hey cuuuuties and sweeties from everywhere you are :) 
Again and again you always keep telling yourself you will recover one day and not any more have any ill thoughts or constraints... But for this, I today noticed again that something has to change... You have to do something to make things change!!!

Because only wishing and not changing anything about the current situation will never get you anywhere near your goals .... :) SO according to this, I am starting with this as well (as I want to be a good role model for you hahaaa :D) I am definitively nobody to look up to :) I am fighting with you and we are all sitting in the same shit ;)
One important step in the right direction, which you always also have to choose for yourself is making different intentions, which you HAVE to try to fulfill :) 
So to make a good impression towards you and maybe also help you also making some new intentions, I am making one as well: No more cheating guys :) 

So what do I mean by saying this? Cheating on someone you love is probably one of the worst things you can do in life.. But I did/do this, because my ED makes me doing it.. :( I know for so many this may sound weird, but in some situations, maybe most likely if I get stressed out or something like this, I cheat!!! I do not mean things like kissing another guy or cheating in a game with cards or something like this... 

What I mean by giving this intention to myself: 
- No more hiding of ANY kind of food
- No more lying towards changing anything -> Changes have to be fulfilled and real
- No more secretly buying ED-related foods (if I need something I can admit that I bought it)
- Reducing those things which are bad for me: Sweetener and chewing gum
- No more cheating/cheating/cheatingandcheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!