Creaaaaaaamy Wednesday :D

Hope you all have a wonderful evening my dears :-*
So today I absolutely have to say was my "cream day" :D Hahaa, this only means today I for the first time felt myself craving for ice cream and a really really creamy spread and dip for dinner :) 

So in the afternoon I spontaneously decided to eat an oreo ice cream waffle and I can absolutely tell you it was so deliiiiiiiiiiicious *_* really could´t believe all the creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam :) don´t actually know another word for it hahaa :) But yeeees you are right, I can´t actually cross it from my fear food list, because it wasn´t neat cream :( buuut soon :) I promise :)
Sooo what else did I do today? First of all I went shopping to Augsburg with my mum, my sis and my aunt from Ireland :) we had a very very successful morning (I bought myself a new winter jacket :_ yeeeeeeah) and afterwards we had lunch, at maybe in some countries you also will know it: Vapiano =) it is simply an italian restaurant where you could watch the cooks prepare your ordered meal :) I ate penne with some ratatouille sauce and a salad :) absolutely niiiice =) 
Oooooh and afterwards I went to a piercing studio and goooot my first piercing in my nose :) it is not a big one, just a small pink stone :) buuut I love it, and I felt so crazy and fidgety afterwards :) must have looked really really funny :D The next days I am going to post a pic of it =) I simply am a bit tired now today... =) creamy, creamy day :D 

Hope you are all well and I would be sooo glad if you would have some topic suggestions for me, because I hope reading my blog doesn´t get boring in any way for you :) because I want you to stay motivated and never give up :) SOOOOO if you have any questions, ask them to me, no matter how stupid and random they are, I love replying to them and have some fun, too:) 
So enjoy yourself and eaaaaaat on! :) especially a loot of Nutella (because it can save lives!)
xxx :-*

Simply try out new things ;)

Heeeeeey my loveliiiiiiiiies *_*

How are you doing? ;) I hope you are still motivated to go for recovery :) I DOO :D

Sorry for not posting anything so special the last few days, but I was a little bit stressed with doing all different kinds of stuff like preparing my university stuff, and getting used to my new timetable :) had some visits at doctors, therapy and still trying to keep up eating and cut out old behaviours ;) like dabbing away the spread of my bread or putting sugar in my coffee instead of sweetener :)

Soooo on Friday, coming home from a long day at University, I wanted to prove myself again by having the intention of eating  somethiiiiing from my (f****-) Fear Food List!!! And as a result of that I decided to force (sounds really dramatically, doesn´t it? =) haaha) the sweet products from the bakery :D So I tried a typical german „Amerikaner“, which is a soft sponge cake, like shortbread, iced with vanilla fondant :) Omg*-* it tasted so amazing ;) at first I felt a real struggle with my ED coming up, but then I nearly managed to eat all the pieces :) and felt something like pride coming up (sounds strange but it really was that way) Hahaaa kick in your ass, Miss Mager! :)

And to go on with my week, yesterday I was on a Party and I honestly felt (which I didn´t actually could for such a horrible long time) just like a „normal“ 19 year old girl, that loves to dress up and has the power to go on a party, drink alcohol without getting drunk after a few shots and simply enjoy a funny evening with a lot of different people/friends :) This absolutely felt sooo good and now I am convinced again that THIS recovery is so much worth it ;)

I won´t stop at any part of the hill, that lies in front of me, NOOOO I am going to reach the top! And you my amazing readers will do that too :) Believe in it and remember that =) It may not always be easy, but it will get better! 

I always imagine this like in a picture =) sounds a bit crazy, but I do keep on this pic in my head...and this is something I would recommend you to do as well, because it actually really helps me a lot:

My dad for example loves to drive enduro, which is sort of motocross, and he always tells me:

If you want to climb/drive up a mountain/hill or something like that, never reduce the power of the engine or your speed. You have to give full speed to reach the top of the mountain, no matter how high it may seem, because otherwise, if you remove the speed or the power of the bike, it won´t pull you up the hill and you will fail... :( And THAT is exactly what you don´t want to :)

Hope you guys never stop at any part of the hill, and I wish you all a great next week :-*

xxx

What I EAT :) :-*

Hey hoooooneys;)

How you are doing today? =)

Still feeling motivated enough to keep your recovery on? ;)

I absoluuuutely do =) (also thanks to you guys ;) you really mean all so much to me ;))

Toooooday I just thought about posting what I kinda eat everyday, not sure if you are interested, but I already gained a lot by eating this way :)

BUUUUUUUUT always remember, everyone is different and only because this is my plan, you do never have to eat like that too :) every body reacts different to these kind of foods, so you have to eat what is good for you ;)

Breakfast:

2 wholegrain toasts with Nutellaaaaaaaaaaaa *_* (favourite meal of the day=)) with Juice and Coffee

Snack:

2 Mars Bars or 1 Mars and a Lion, Twix, Duplo, American Cookie

Lunch:

Always different, but

-One part consists of Carbs (like Noodles, Rice, Couscous, Spätzle,...)

-Part 2 is something with a lot of Protein (like Chicken, Gyros, Cheese, Cream Cheese, Zaziki, Ham, Tuna or Egg)

-Some Veggies (like I love Tomatoes and Onions, or Champignons, Cucumber, ...)

and mostly any kind of a Sauce or Dressing

Snack:

Usually I eat a Questbar (all sort of flavours, but my favourite one is Cookies & Cream, you should really try it *_*), a Power Bar or anything else Sweet and have Coffee with it

Dinner:

I noticed, that for myself a typical „German Brotzeit“ is the best thing I could eat in the evening, because since I eat these kind of breads and meals for dinner, I gained weight:

-A Pretzel, Roll, Bread with

-Butter, Cheese, Cream Cheese, Ham, Streichwurst, Sausage

-Tomatoes with homemade Dressing, Pickles, Onions,...

Snack:

Cashew Nuts, Banana Chips, Tropical Haribo Gums, Katjes Gums, ...

Sooooooooooooooooo maybe now you have a better impression of what I eat everyday, what do you think  about it? :) or what favourits of foods do you have? =) Anything particularly special? ;) 

And always remember eating should be a pleasure for you and does NOT cause any pain, it will only nourish your body with everything important ;)

Soo keeep on eating, you are all soooo strong, keep it up, I believe in you :-*

AAAAAAAh and nearly forgot about it, buuut yesterday I had an amazing experience, I don´t know if you know him, but I went to the concert of David Garrett in Munich (he´s a star violist :) :) Wow, it was such a great atmosphere and  you can´t really imagine the incredible show he made :) 

Wish you all a lovely week :-*

Normal days? =)

Soooo my dear readers,
I neeeeed your help a little bit ;) Tooooday I was the whole day in university and I absolutely enjoyed it, because I felt just like a very very normal girl, who is not the ill one only :( and that made my feel happy :)
But in the morning I had soooo much stress, there was a huuuuge traffic jam and I nearly came too late to my Spanish class which would have meant I had to get kicked out of it :( and here I went: it rained like it would never stop and I was so late that I as fast as possible had to search for one of the rare parking spaces.... And then I touched just a little bit another car with mine and I stood there in the rain... :( Luckily nothing happened and I was just then starting to run to my spanish class and finally reached it in time! Omg, I was so blessed ;)
Soooo now to the help of you, I today then honestly for the quite first time realized that my body burns more calories when I am stressed and that for gaining weight I have to eat more ! :) So this afternoon I was home alone then and had no one to talk to about my afternoon snack (my mum was at the hairdresser and my dad had so much work at his job:(), so I actually wanted to simply talk to you guuuuys, simply wanted some motivation, but then I luckily was able to talk to my dad about it :) so I forgot to post this one blog entry :( hahaaaa but I can tell you, it went well and I managed to eat my cookies :) OMG I am such a cookie addict again now :D
And now for dinner I had some bread with cheese salad and yaaaamm :) feel really tired now today, but I hope you guys had a lovely day and an adventurous weekend to come ;)

Thieves steal Nutella :)

Hahaaa have a look at that article I lately found in our newspaper ;)
Just had to laugh so badly, because I know for you it may be hard to believe but I sweeeeeear I am not a member of this Nutella-Gang :( Hahaa actually really a pity... I would love to steal 4700 glasses of Nutella, too :)
Buuuut luckily for us all is, that the police caught the thieves now and gained the Nutella back! Puuuuh this is great :)
Wish you all a lovely week ;) I am now going to hand over to university to play Basketball ;) Hahaaa I am such a failure in it, buuuut we´ll see ;)
xxx

For all of you who don´t understand German: There is a gang, which stole 4700 glasses of Nutella from a trailer in Germany. They now got convicted for one and a half years :) Luckily we got our Nutella back!!!!

My Story :)

Like I prevoiusly said, I would love to share my recovery story (so far) a little bit more with you and tell you some maybe random and funny facts about me :)

So for this I am going to create a link probably called „About me“ at the top bar, where I will safe all kind of this sort of posts ;)

 ALL IN ALL I JUST WANTED TO BE PRETTY

Sooooo, when and how did I actually get in this struggle with myself and this voice in my head I call Miss M. Mager?

The probably most important thing for you all to know about me is, that I wasn´t always such a pile of bones, like I look now (but this is going to change! I keep it going!). 

Nooo, factual is, that I, since I could honestly remember, I was part of the more curvy and sort of big girls at school... This does not mean, that I ever was kind of a really fat or massive girl, but I was overweighted and not happy with it, but also not literally caring so much about it. Or what do you think, I am 1,70/71m and my largest weight was 76kg....

I mean, me and my family always knew we all ate a little bit too much in general, but I didn´t feel like anyway having the will to change anything about it. So at first we didn´t quite even realise what means too much, but as time went by, I noticed that our meals simply contained too many calories. But not only the three main dishes were plenty much, the side ones were problematic, too. I never saw any regularity in it, I just ate what I wanted when I craved for it. Means in general in the afternoon or after dinner something sweet like cakes, cookies and yoghurt. Or also at school I had some snack like a small roll or bread, buuuuut on some days I felt like I wanted more and simply not caring about any calories, I bought something sweet from the bakery, like pastries or sometimes even a cake.. Wow, I simply can´t really imagine that time, or believe, that at this time I ate without any anxiety or hate.

But this was sort of NORMAL, because when I was hungry -> I ate and this is how it in general (by eating the right things) should be. So guuuuuys, please never ever in your whole life start restricting or any form of a diet! It can so easily break or destroy you!

But being at this point I also have to mention that you should probably know about me that I´ve always been a person who loves enjoying every minute of life and so as well of eating. So even before focussing on my illness and restricting, I´ve been a slow eater and it always took me ages to eat something, because I wanted to enjoy every minute of it but while my worst episode this became really sort of unnormal, because nobody ate such slow as I did. I am also kind of a „sweet“ eater, which doesn´t mean that I look nice while eating :D no, but I love sweet products so much more than cracker or any other salty things...

But back to the actual topic again:

EVERYTHING with Miss Mager and my ED started let´s say in February 2013, when my mum decided for herself to do a diet, because of her high blood pressure... And not really taking it for such a serious thing, my whole family decided to take part at it, too, just to support her a little bit in her intention. And we also thought about it as a good idea to take the chance to loose a bit of weight, because like I previously said, I knew I was curvy, but had no motivation to change something about it. But generally this is also not 100% right, because factual is I actually was unhappy with my appearance and also sometimes I tried to eat less or do a little bit of crosstrainer or running, but it never showed any positive results on the scale, so I didn´t practice it regularly, because I saw less sense in it by times. So we all started together a diet called METABOLIC BALANCE (not sure if you may know it, but I´ll explain it to you in my next post, but otherwise this one now will get too long) ...

Please, please, please all of you, promise me to NEVER ever start it in your life! In the worst case it will inprison you, like it did to me...

So pleeeease keep eating your Nutella DAILY! 

How to eat a fear food (from my experience :))

Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo,

As a response of the very good and not anyway easy question of Rachel below my last post, I decided to try to explain more in detail of how you could be able to manage to eat something from your fear food list!

I feel very proud that she actually asked me like how to do it, soooooo the probably most important advice I can give you is:

Look upon food with all of your senses!!!!!!!!!

See, Smell, Touch and Taste it!!

You will notice that it looks beautiful, that it smells amazing, that it feels hot/cold/natural/enjoyable, so close your eyes and taste it!

You probably should try to check these things off like you would try to scratch it off your personal list!

So I´ll try to explain it to you in my own case, that you will probably be able to transfer it on yourself... :)

For me it all started with my dad who insisted in me that in his mind the only way for me to gain weight is to try to eat bread. Because you can´t imagine how much fear and anxiety I felt by eating any kind of carbs, especially bread... I was so afraid of it that I nearly can´t remember that horrible feeling now at the moment... So what did I do?

At first I blocked completely and refused to try it, but then my mum took my hand and placed me next to our toaster where she lately put a wholegrain toast in. So I stood there and waited for the toast to jump out, already feeling ready to refuse eating it...

Buuut then it came out and I saw in which way the heat of the toaster made the colour of it change from a cold sort of muddy brown to a warm golden brown.. So I SAW the food in a new light...

Then she took it and placed it below my nose and I closed my eyes, so I was able to smell the unbelievable fragrance of it. Believe me, this smells so amazing, I barely couldn´t believe it, you should also try it! So I SMELT the food in a new way...

Then she started to persuade me to take it into my own hand and feel the warmth o fit. At first I had to smile about the whole situation, because in some way it felt a little bit strange and unreal, like I was just a kid learning to eat again, but believe me it helps. So by holding it in my hand, I TOUCHED the food in a new way...

But still I haven´t tried this toast... But in some also strange way this one special toast didn´t cause anxiety in my mind and I felt ready to try it.. Don´t know why, but simply try it out, too, I could imagine you will feel this emotions, too :)

Of course this sounds easier than it acutally is, because I have to admit that I still wasn´t able to simply bite deeply in it, but after my mum put Nutella on it, she cut it into four tiny pieces.. Still I felt unsure if I would be able to let the toast get into my mouth, so I asked for a fork and a knife (I know this sounds weird, but I simply needed it...) And then really slowly (it actually felt like ages for me) I TASTED my fear food...

Strange picture but here is my first toast (with knife and fork.. :)

Soo my tough warriors, give yourself enough time to eat such a food from your list. So let it be whatever you are afraid of, chocolate bars, bread, cakes, desserts, try to check off this list, maybe it helps you or makes it easier for you.. I also did it in the same way at eating my first Mars bar, and the smell by itself is so much amazing that your will to bite in it will surely increase.
I hope this little post/advice could probably help you to overcome your fear foods, even though it never is an easy thing to do at all.. But YOU are worth recovery and you are all such strong people that I absolutely believe in you all that you will be able to eat the foods from your fear food list! :) And always remember you are the manager of your thoughts!

Wish you all a nice evening and a lovely week xxx