Merry merry christmas ;)

Merry Christmas, Feliz Natal, God Jul, Gledelig Jul, Feliz Navidad, Wesolych Swiat, Subh Krisamas, Joyeaux Noel, Linksmu Kaledu, Maayong Pasko, Buon Natale, Prettig Kerstfeest, Kala Christougenna, Nollaig Shona Duit,......

FROHE WEIHNACHTEN

Yes my dears, I wish you all merry merry christmas and I hope you all had lovely festive days with your family or your beloved ones *_* 
Christmas for me is so so important and special, that I truly would say it is the most beautiful time of the year ;) This year the weather here in Germany was so amazingly sunny and untypically warm outside :S so there was no real christmas mood coming up... But I do love the beautiful and wonderfully decorated houses and lights in the evening and at night ;) it always looks so pretty and festive ;)
Aaaaand what I now was most happy about this year was, that I was allowed to spend christmas eve at home with my family *_* Oh it was so wonderful I nearly couldn´t believe it, because I truly was able to enjoy the time and not feel stressed about eating ;) my mum and dad made it just as we planned to do it ;) we all for sure were kind of very nervous, but we managed to get it up together ;) I received so many wonderful presents and it nearly felt like being a child again :) I love such moments ...... :) unfortunately it was over soo fast and I am back at the clinic now :( never mind I have to make it out of here with a normal weight, so for this I definitively have to speeed up a little bit ;) 

So now my cutiepiiees :) I wish you a good (as this is anyhow possible?=)) start into your new week and the last week of 2015 ;) Let´s pray that 2016 will be a better one :) 

Love u to pieces ;) xxxx

Christmas Time is here :) *_*

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey Sweeties :)

LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY HEART BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY..........
Yes Miss Mager, last year I gave you all my heart :S not only at christmas :( and you in contrast to the song text didn´t give it away, you kept it :( You completely took it from me....

But enough of all the negativity hunniiiiiiiiies *_*
GOOOD GOOD NEWS: I will be allowed to spend Christmas Eve at home with my family :) OMG this makes me so so unbelievably happy and I also can tell you why :)
Last weekend I had the permission of leaving the clinic over the weekend and I was spending it at home with all my loved ones :) It was SO amazing for me, really.... <3
My family helped me so so much with all my meals and I truly enjoyed simply being together with them ;) we absolutely didn´t do anything too special, just being at home and baking christmas cookies, meeting with my beloved neighbors and relatives and visiting a little christmas market in a cute little town just around here :) I absolutely never thought such simple and normal things could any time make me happy again ;) but it was so wonderful being around with those I LOVE ;) THANK YOU TO EVERYBODY WHO MADE IT SO SPECIAL FOR ME ;) I know I am exaggerating it probably a bit, but I was so happy ;) and now I can´t wait for Thursday *_______*

So today the sun is shining here so beautifully and the Chiemsee is appearing in such a magical and misty, dusty sunny light :) really really pretty ;) 
But because of the sun there truly is no christmas mood coming up to me..... :) but I try to decorate my room as much as possible to have more christmas feelings coming up ;) hehe

This is me and another girl here in the clinic :)

So and also this weekend I was able to spend Papa´s birthday with Mama and him around here and it was so great to see them both happy *_* 

Yesterday I also went with 5 other girliiiies from here by boat to the Herreninsel in the Chiemsee, where such a worldwide known castle called Herrenchiemsee is built... :) So we made a guided tour and had much fun together :) In the evening me and another girl also went for a sparkling wine into a bar just around the corner :) So all in all I had a lovely weekend and my therapies are just starting today again ;) Let´s see how this week will be and I can´t wait to here from you ;) How are you spending the Christmas days and especially did you offer any special wishes??? ;) It would be so so cool to hear from you my dears :) Love u all so much and I hope I now will be able to blog more often again ;) Sorry for my lack of postings ;) xxxx

Nikolaustaaaaaaag =)

Huhuuuuuuuu my honeybeeeees :)
Toooooday in Germany is St. Nikolaus Day :) which commonly is celebrated in most of the parts ;) but not in every other country in the world this day means the same, as for example the children in the Netherlands receive most of their presents at this day and not at the 24th or christmas day *_* but why is this? All the different ways of celebrating christmas in the world, and what is a common tradition in each country? :) 

This was something I truly got interested in this year and so I decided to make an advent calendar for my Family, in which I present them each day a poster of the traditions of how to celebrate christmas in 24 different plaaaaaces.... :) 

So I honestly took so much time to make it and to do research especially on the internet of all of the used traditions, which make each state a special one for itself ;) I truly got so fascinated of all the differences, but also the similarities some of them share ;) So this is why I send each day a poster to my family in which I explain another country ;) 
I truly would love to publish all of them here on my blog, because maybe you are also interested in this topic as well? But I wrote it all in German :S so I just give you an impression by posting the one of today: Hahaa it is Germany :) 

FROHE WEIHNACHTEN

•In Germany, the time of Advent starts on 01 December, and most people have an advent calendar on which they are allowed to open one door every day (this is available in various versions like for example: Chocolate, images, filled individually, jewelery, ...)

•Four sundays before Christmas the wreaths of Advent are lit, and every Sunday again the next candle. In addition, all homes are festively decorated with fairy lights, candles, Christmas decorations, a crib and a Christmas tree wirh baubles

•On 06 December Saint Nikolaus is celebrated,  on which the children put their boots in front of the doors and hope that Santa Claus (and not Knecht Ruprecht) puts in candy or small gifts and treats

•On Christmas Eve, the children receive their gifts and presents from the Christkind and the family spends a nice evening together and afterwards visit the Christmas service in their town

•The Christmas meal varies, depending on region and family traditions: Whereas in the one area a stew or sausages with fries or potato salad is common, others have for example share roasted meat or other goodies

•Throughout the whole season of Advent the Germans are known for baking very much cookies and biscuits, which also goes back to  an old tradition: Spitzbuben, Lebkuchen, Nougatbällchen, Lübecker Leckerli, Kokosmakronen, Zimtsterne, Vanillekipferl, Früchtebrot, Spekulatius, Christstollen or Dominosteine

•In addition, at the beginning of all the celebrations throughout the whole country numerous Christmas markets open their doors, where you can buy and eat all kinds of Christmas goodies and drinks: decorations, small gifts, mulled wine, gingerbread

•On 06 January, the Germans also celebrate the Three Kings by providing their figures in their cribs

Okay now if you want to get more from my little calendar about all the different traditions from around the world simply leave a comment or contact me ;) Hope you like it ;) Kisseeeeees for you :) 

Settling in and first advent :)

HELLOOOOOOOOOO MY CUTIEPIES *_*

I wish you all a wonderful and peaceful first day of December ;) The laaaast month of this crazy, harmful and confusing year 2015 =) 
I hope you all have an advent calendaaaaaar? :) I am such a addict according to this, because I always feel so unbelievably happy opening one door after each other ;) Hahaa and guess now how many I got? ;) 

1. one little postcard one 
2. a self-made one with pictures from my family *_*
3. a little self bought nostalgic one with pictures as well ;)
   
   
   
4. a jewelry one, in which there is one necklace and everyday a different pendant shows up
5. 
6. and a self made calendar, which my little cousins made for me ;) such a lovely idea of them. Every day a little self tinkered handcraft is coming out :) Isn´t this sweet? =)
   

OOOOOOOH I know there are already many pictures now, but I definitively have to show you an updated foto of my room here, beeeeecause my Daddy visited me on Sunday and he brought so many many things to decorate ;) Omg, look at this wonderful christmas lights!!!! *_* and down on the right, you can see the calender from my cousins ;) 

To keep u updated a little bit as well, I know also had my first eating release, which meeeeeans I now finally was allowed to out outside the clinic with my Papa!!! *_* We shared Pizza and it was so amazing honestly!!!!!! Oh and also I now made it to the next table, which means I have more freedom a little bit ;) but I also had to increase my portion sizes, which isn´t easy in any form :S But I am ruffling my way through ;) 
Love u all so much and I hope the christmas feelings also soon will appear a little bit more ;) 
Wish you all a lovely daaaay ;)

Me kissing Santa :) *_*

BLOGGING GAL ;)

Heeeeeeeeeeeeey my hunbuuuuns <3
I hope you all are fine and maybe alsooooo enjoying the first snowflakes in your country? ;) Here yesterday the first white layer fell down on the grooooound ;) I LOVE IT
Even though it now is getting colder day by day, I wanna keep the beautiful landscape in the white waaaaay *_* 
So now I decided to take part in Izzy´s great idea of writing down some likes, dislikes and goals!!!! ;) So what do you think of mine? Any ideas for improvement? =) I would be so glad to hear from yooooou ;) 

7 things I like:

Warm hugs of family and friends

Hot drinks on a snowy winter day

Going on holidays and trips
Christmas and Summer time
Making someone happy 
Being free and myself
Spending my time with people I love

6 things I don´t like:
Miss Mager

People who aren´t honest/ Liars
Coldness and rainy dusty days
Insecurity
Decisions
Perfectionism

5 things that make me happy:

Seeing my family and friends
Receiving a present/ gift from someone special

Getting a compliment/ nice words
Reading motivational quotes
Feeling good in my body and smiling

4 things I want to do: 

Traveling the world as precisely as possible
Making someone happy
Getting out of hospital
Finding my way in life

3 goals: 

Planning my future in a realistic way
Realizing some plans I already have
GETTING RID OF MISS MAGER

2 things I want to achieve: 

Being independent 
Being strong enough to live my life

1 favorite quote:

NUTELLA FOR THE NUTELLA GIRLIIIIIE ;)

Hey my Sweeeeties *_*

For me hitting my personal rock bottom here made me change (maybe some things also unconsciously) in so many ways, I never think I would be forced to.....
For me all of this is soooooo confusing I can tell you :) I hardly can anyway express it properly in any way :( 

I definitively needed that kick in my ass!!! This is something I know for sure now ;) And also now the situation also changed a bit in another way: a new girl arrived, which is so scaringly thin, that she had to be tube feeded and sits in a wheelchair :S She truly got all my compassion and neeeeeever ever want to be like her :( this shocked me so much seeing her and getting to see how harmful this illness really can be :( my only problem now is, she wants to talk to me all the time about food and such stuff and wants to spend time with me :( of course this is lovely of her, but her behaviors really scare me :( Like she stares at me all the time while eating or asking me for things like Green Tea or wanting to know bad things about the other girls :( but I do not fall back, this motivates me so much to move out of this ill stuff, because I never wanna be like this :( 
so keeping on to the full speed button to NOT stop at the middle of the hill!!! 
I now had to increase my lunch already, which means I now have to eat 150% of each served meal, which sometimes really can be so challenging :) but I always have to remind myself, that absolutely will be worth it :) all for becoming myself again ;) 

So my hunnybunnies ;) I wish you a nice day and make the most out of it!!!!^^

AAAAH and back to my headline!! I now have the set goal here to eat NUTELLA daily as a challenge for me ;) Oh of course I still am such a lover of Nutella, but I was so afraid of trying it in here for breakfast, because it is the obligation to put butter under each topic and I could never imagine Nutella in combination with butter :S but now I tried it and I absolutely must say that I am so happy I tried it, because I now have my Nutella back in here !!! 
AND WHAT WOULD NUTELLARELLA BE WITHOUT NUTELLA? :) 

Huhuuuuuu :)

Hoooooneys ;)
Strange strange world all in all together.......
Don´t really know what to think about it at the moment.....
Sometimes I feel so lonely with myself and don´t even know why this is the case....

Being here in the clinic show me so many many important things in life, which I didn´t really appreciate in the past and took for normal....
Just such simple things like going into a supermarket with my Mama or driving a bit around and just enjoying the surrounding :S Now it feels like they took all of this away from me, without even asking for permission.... So many new rules, which they force me to live after, but taking away my preferences..... 
I know complaining about it, does not change anything about it and I am the only person who can make myself get out of these rules and boundings!!!! I have to give full speed to gain back my whole life again and not remain where I am now :) 

Hahaa this actually should be a motivational post, but again I digress from the topic :) UUUUUPS :) 
So to keep you updated: I slowly settled in here now and I truly met some so lovely and nice people, who support and motivate me again and again ;) so thanks for those :) 

But I definitively have to admit (to myself and also all of you:)) this is the hardest and most emotional time of my whole life so far!!! I don´t know how to express it in another way, but all the confrontations with the complexity of my eating disorder and Miss Mager in general, needs all my power and energy :) I never experienced so many crashing emotions every day again and again and I truly can tell you, if I know still would not want to get healthy and rid of this beast, I already would have broke up my stay :S but I feel I can let changes in and this is what I want now!!!!!!!! 

So you may all wander what my days here in the clinic look like? 
Oh yes I have many many free and boring time :S but this is typical :( So every morning I get weighted here, then there is breakfast and on the mornings sometimes group or individual therapy :) also there are so many medical checks each day, like ecg or blood checks :) I also got such a cold the whole last week :( this felt so bad, like coughing all the time and having such a headache :S I haven´t got something like this since about the last 2 years! But the doctors told me it is a good sign, that my body reacts to its surroundings :S 
Afterwards at noon, we have lunch, for which I already now have to eat 150% of the normal portion to gain :S this is something which truly confuses me each day again, but I now see it really is necessary :) At the afternoon I also have a lot of free time, sometimes a few little matches, but nothing truly special :) sooooo boring sometimes :S at 6pm we have dinner and afterwards I often spend some more time with other girls here, like playing cards or watching a movie :) to distract ourselves a little bit..... :) I also often call with my family, which supports and helps me so so unbelievably much!!!!!! They truly are my biggest and most motivating backing!!! :) they absolutely mean the world to me :) 
Today the weather is so so lovely and autumnly here, so I and another girl took a few steps to walk down to the lake, which just is a few meters away from the clinic :) and I absolutely enjoyed the great weather, the sun, the fresh air and the surroundings :) this truly distracts myself as well :) 

And today I now get some visiiiiitors :) two girls who I know from college, visit meeee :) Oh I am so excited, but happy :)and tomooooorrow finally my Papa also comes to spend some niiiiiiiice time with me :) *_* I am always looking so much forward to this 
So my hunnybeeeeeeeees ;) I love u all so much and I hope I do not bore you with my posts here from the clinic :) are there any topics you wanna get to know more about? ;) I would love to hear from yooooooooou :-* 
xxxx <3 Have a great day 

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN and all the different faces of Miss Mager :S

Heeeeey Sweeties :)
How are you all doing? I hope so much you are fine and well :) 

So maybe you wanna get a little update about my time here in hospital? I am actually feeling a little bit better now since I had a few very very confusing days :S but this is just the way it often is, they told me :) 

I feel so lonely here at some times, but then again I know that I am absolutely right for being here, because I never think now I would be able to beat this stupid illness on my own... And eating wise I already made so many efforts right now, which truly impresses me...This is something I already know for sure now!!! 
It truly forces me in so many many direction being in here, but I am sure, all the challenges they give me and all the shit, which develops because of me being not hard enough, make me to another person who is so much stronger than before!!
I truly get more the impression, that all the girls see each other as competitors who is doing better or who is able to cheat more or eat less :S I absolutely never would be that cruel and sneak on the others :) 
In my opinion, they are all here as well because of different seventies of Miss Magers´face and so I thought they would understand the struggles of each other, but obviously they do not really :S 
Hahaa but I know now just (thank you so much Mama and Papa for this advice) that I never want to end up like them in my life :) So so many of them already are at their mid- or end twenties, live at their parents and have nothing else to think about than spending saturday morning and sunday afternoon with knitting or taking part at a beauty workshop in a clinic for eating disorders :S OMG sorry but I never want to end up like this again, because it sounds so ridiculous :S and sometimes I also truly get the impression they actually are not unhappy with it..... Such strange psychopaths in my eyes :S 

This is the most stirring thing for me at the moment :( I simply hate being seen as a concurrent in somebody else´s eyes... and this exactly is the case in here :) Everyone focus on you making some faults or slips and then they attack you just like wild animals :( such friendly girls hahaaa :S for sure not, they all focus on yourself to divert from themselves to not getting caught and to have something they can talk about :) so I really seem to give them true reasons to talk about :S Oh this is sometimes so ridiculous :) 
Sorry for all my negativity according to them, but otherwise I am so proud to say, that I actually am doing all in all good here in the clinic :) my weight is raising step by step and I truly can say I eat so much more than I ever did :) it also gets easier day by day I honestly can state :) 

Oh and I nearly forgot: To all of you who celebrate Halloweeen and all this stuff in their countries, I wish you a great time and celebrations ;) 
Love u all so much and hope to hear some great news from you of how you are doing ? :)
xxx <3

Little update :)

Okeeeey my honeybeeeeees ;)
NEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWSNEWS

So now I think it is time to give u a real update about my current situation, as I think I neglected this a little bit too much in the last time...... :S I am so sorry about that ;) 
Okaaaaay this isn´t very easy for me to tell, but since yesterday I am at an inpatient treatment center which specially has been designed for eating disorders :) It does not at all look like a hospital or something like this, but it is for me to gain some more weight, as I wasn´t able now to do this at home :( I was on this long waiting list since June this year and last week I finally got the call that I can get in :) I at first was so shocked and as you all probably know getting inpatient was the last thing I ever wanted or intended as the right thing :( but now I know this only was the thing which the "Miss Mager part of myself" didn´t want to :S 

And I honestly must say it is kind of amazing and shocking at the same time of how eating the portion sizes here feels :S It all is kind of more hectic and faster, but truly was able to manage yesterday evening dinner and today breakfast :) OMG *_* this is so confusing for me, as I never ever ate such big sizes of bread at home :( And the most stunning part, which I never expected as it really is, is the atmosphere with the other people and the nice girls on my ward :) they truly support each other by cheering up and such stuff :) Oh I am so overwhelmed by so many many new impressions and changes which are going on here :) I am so curious about how things are going on now, but I truly hope it was the right decision of going here :) 
My room is quite nice here and the surrounding is very pretty as well ;) doesn´t really makes the appearance of a hospital at all :) this makes it a lot easier :) 
I am so nervous about all the different rules and the stuff I don´t know yet, but I hope now the only way is up ;) let´s beat Miss Mager once for all time ;) never go back ;) 

Wish you all a lovely lovely evening now and enjoy life, it definitively will be worth it ;) but at first I have to heal in order to live/love/laugh again ;) believe me being underweight isn´t fun at all...... :S 
xxx

Stupid Angeeee girl :SSSSS

Hey my honeeeeeeeeeeeeeys :) 
The following post (which is down here) is a post I wanted to publish last week on Sunday :S I was so down, because as you can see, I disappointed all my beloved ones, and felt like a unworthy and disgraceful person :( I really was determined to cut down my blog, because I felt like a failure :) 
BUT and now you all have to read carefully! BUT my parents AGAIN saved me from doing the wrong thing and even if I acted so so wrong and inexcusable, they still built me up and helped me come back on track!! OMG you can´t believe what amazing persons they are :) I can´t believe it by myself :S They are my rocks!!! And even if I acted ice cold against them and broke their heart more than one time, they still built me up and helped me cope :) THEY ARE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you so much for still believing in me :) I hope now you don´t think I am a bad person or something like this for not being able to get rid of this ED in a faster way, and I thank you so much as well for still reading my blog :) I know noticed again how much it means to me and I could´t be without it :) it motivates me so much again and again and I am so thankful for having this little page: "How Nutella saved my Life"
I always have to remember why I started it and I will not end it till I reached my final goal:
BEING A HEALTHY AND NORMAL GIRL WITHOUT EATING DISORDERED THOUGTHS!

SO THIS IS THE POST I WANTED TO PUBLISH, BUT WASN´T ABLE TO: 

So sorry my dears...........

I am just a liar, who is lying to herself, that she would be able to recover, but Miss MAGER is too strong for me....

I am so sorry for admitting this, but this is soooo true :( I am always hurting the people I love and this is the worst for me.... So I don´t want to pretend to be someone I am not to you guys, and this definitively is: a girl who is able to recover.....

So I wish you guys all the best in your own personal recovery, and I hope you all are able to reach happiness, health and recovery and find your own personal luck!!!

But I lost the love and the trust of two of me most important people on earth today completely and for the last time..... they lost their faith in me and this meant everything to me. so now I feel extremely lost at the moment... :( sorry Mama and Papa :( 

Thank you all for your always heartwarming comments and words, I love u and maybe if I will be better some day, we will finally made it up to each other :) Thanks for always believing and supporting me, but I now know I am definitively not worth the kind words.......

SORRY again.........


LUCKILY I NOW CHANGED MY MIND AND NOT STOP BLOGGING, AS I GOT TO KNOW SO MANY LOVELY PEOPLE THROUGH IT AND I ENJOY WRITING IT SO MUCH *_* 
Love u all so much <3 

Foods which mean LOVE to me *_*

Hey cuuuties ;)
I am so sorry for my lack of posts at the moment, but there is so much I have to deal in my head right now that I don´t truly now about what to blog? ;) 
I have so many ideas but no plan of how to realize them :( I notice more and more now how much Miss Mager really imprisons us :( She keeps us away from living and I definitively have to do something against it ;) 
So for also distracting myself a little bit from all kind of negative thoughts, I now decided to write a little bit about what dishes are MY (the real Ange one´s ) favorite ones to eat ;) 
I absolutely DON´T know if this is interesting for anyone of you at all, but today I am not really in the mood for writing a thoughtful and elaborated post, soooo here I go (I hope you are okay with this hehe :D) (Oh and by the way, many of them are some childhood favorites or maybe also German foods you don´t know, so if you have any questions, feeeeeel so freeeeee to ask): 

Dishes and main meals:
- Rice, spinach and minced meat
- Fish fingers
- Egg, spinach and potato mash
- Wiener Schnitzel with chips 
- Sweet yeast dumplings, spinach dumplings or Semmelknödel
- Pancakes (filled with jam or ham and cheese)
- Porridge and muesli (especially the crunchy ones)
- Wraps
- Mc Donalds :D
- Pizza
- Schupfnudeln
- Toast with Nutella, Jam, ....
- Roasted Potatoes and pumpkin with dips
- Kässpätzle
- Chicken with rice


Snaaaaacky Snacks:
- Nutellaaaaaaa *_* 
- Chocolate (mostly Milkaaaaa)
- Cookies 
- Custard (Oh I always love the vanilla ones the most!!)
- Cakes, Tartes, Brownies, Fudge, Crumble

(hahaaa do you notice all great things start with a "C" -> so we probably have to rename Nutella into Cutella? *_* hahahaaa what do you think, would this be a possibility? ;) 

Nuuuuuuts all over.... :) Tips and Tricks? :)

Hellooooooou my little peaaaaanuts ;)

Haha yes you are right? She maybe got crazy, but nooo for sure not ;) But I am so happy my Sweeties, that I regained something in my recovery which I for now maybe the last two years wasn't able any more, because I totally refused it to myself :( 

In concret I am talking about nibbling, munching and snacking on little thingies all throughout the whole day :) 

I really honestly wasn´t able to do this anymore, even in all the time of my recovery :) I was refusing every little bit, because it felt so wrong for me and I was so afraid of gaining weight by eating it :(

BUT NOW something which I never would have believed would happen: I started to snack nuts!!!!!! ME? Yes, even though I (the old Ange) really hated the taste of nuts, peanuts and cashews, I started eating it and became so fascinated of those salted little things :) Or also I used to HATE the taste of Peanut Butter and now, I sometimes have it on my toast ;) Can you imagine this? I learned to nibble again by the help of something which never would have been worth it for Miss Mager... :) this makes me so happy and it feels so much like fun, eating such a crispy nut, which crushes by biting on it ;) Oh and I think the special thing for me is also, that there are so many different flavors you can choose: salted, honey, sweet, spicy, ..... :) I really enjoy having such a variety ;)

OH so my little peanuts, what about you? Maybe this will help you also a little bit in your recovery: try food which you never really loved before you got ill (because in your mind you are tricking Miss Mager by doing this ;)) you are actually forcing yourself to eat something which according to your ED isn´t worth enough eating it ;) but you will discover so many new flavors and maaaaaybe (like it was at myself) you will love the taste ;) 

Really believe me, everybody who knows me, knew that I didn´t like nuts, but now, they helped me to claim another step in my recovery and I am very thankful for my Mammi making me trying them ;) It maybe took her a while, but I did it!! ^^

So maybe you also have some useful tricks for tricksing Miss Mager? ;) I would be so glad to get to know them ;) I could really use some new tricks ;) 

Love u all and sending you nutty huuuugs ;) 

xxx

Gueeeeeeeeeeeees who bought a new jar of Nutella today? :-*

Hey my Cuuuties :)
Hahaa I guess you are right: It is THIS girl over here in rainy dusty Germany :D (OMG by the way this jar looks so cute, because it is a special edition with the cuuuute little peanuts and Snoopy on it *_*)

I have the second one from the left with cuuuutie Snoopy and Woodstock

Sooo this is a kind of random post about how my life is going at the moment and how my plans for the future are :) Hopefully you don´t think this is boring, but I just feel like a little bit of babbling today ;) 

Living
Is
For
Enjoying!!!!!!!!!



Yes it truly is and you can´t truly enjoy your life and be happy when you are underweight, with no power and a meal plan which you have to follow... This is something nobody ever will be able to convince me from :( not even myself... I think in fact in recovery YOU are your worst enemy and you have to make sure every day you are able to convince yourself that you are doing the wrong thing by staying this way!!!!!
And this is something I truly want: A life where nobody has to remind me of how much I have to eat and what is wrong and right for me :) So this at the moment is something I really have to get clear thoughts about, because yesterday I sent in one of my essays from my studies and became unsure again if I will be able to really work as a teacher in my future and if it is really the thing I wanna do in my life..... I don´t know my honeybees at the moment all I have to do is focussing on getting as fast as possible out of this underweight phase in my life and then I will be able to decide what will be right for me according to my profession... but this is all just so confusing to me--------- :( 












So guys it is time to live in the now and not in the maybe or the future, live right now and focus on what you have to do at the moment :) and in my case this is getting healthy!!!! For having and enjoying a real life withoout any more thoughts about stupid Miss Mager (she only is an imagination guys!!!) Restricting is no option, food is fuel: Every day again and again!!! 
So GOOD NIGHT MY HONEYBUNNIES *_* sending you some good night kisses and I hope you made today a good day and enjoyed your life ;) 
xxxx

Intention: NO more cheating :)

Hey cuuuuties and sweeties from everywhere you are :) 
Again and again you always keep telling yourself you will recover one day and not any more have any ill thoughts or constraints... But for this, I today noticed again that something has to change... You have to do something to make things change!!!

Because only wishing and not changing anything about the current situation will never get you anywhere near your goals .... :) SO according to this, I am starting with this as well (as I want to be a good role model for you hahaaa :D) I am definitively nobody to look up to :) I am fighting with you and we are all sitting in the same shit ;)
One important step in the right direction, which you always also have to choose for yourself is making different intentions, which you HAVE to try to fulfill :) 
So to make a good impression towards you and maybe also help you also making some new intentions, I am making one as well: No more cheating guys :) 

So what do I mean by saying this? Cheating on someone you love is probably one of the worst things you can do in life.. But I did/do this, because my ED makes me doing it.. :( I know for so many this may sound weird, but in some situations, maybe most likely if I get stressed out or something like this, I cheat!!! I do not mean things like kissing another guy or cheating in a game with cards or something like this... 

What I mean by giving this intention to myself: 
- No more hiding of ANY kind of food
- No more lying towards changing anything -> Changes have to be fulfilled and real
- No more secretly buying ED-related foods (if I need something I can admit that I bought it)
- Reducing those things which are bad for me: Sweetener and chewing gum
- No more cheating/cheating/cheatingandcheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!